The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES 

A woman awakes during the night

to find that her husband

was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily..

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.

[gazzar]

  

[kewwig]

What's the definition of mixed emotions?  Watching your mother in law drive your brand new car off a cliff......

[Chook]

[Hammy]

NEWS FLASH !   Ian Thorpe is GAY.  Wow .  Didn't see that one coming.

That's why he always went first in the relays.  He wanted the other guys behind him.

He was never really good at "Breast" stroke.

He now sez he wants kids.  What's next ?  He grows a white beard and buys a wobble board.

[gazzar]

And out come the homophobic,s  ......................... lol

[Hammy]

Ohhh.  touched a nerve did we ?

[gazzar]

 not at all, but i think your reply answers the question.

[Bosco15]

Oooh!  touched a nerve. Did wee!

Hammy. You sound more like Thorpy all the time, sweetie.   

[Hammy]

 not at all, but i think your reply answers the question.

Step back a yard Rover.  Lets get this straight.   You can post a joke about persons from the Middle East. Does that make you a Racist ?   Then you can make jokes about gay activity in prison.  Does that make you a Poofter ?    I make light about some high profile gay that makes more money from coming out on tv than most Aussie's would make in half a dozen years and you imply that I'm Homophobic.  Wank Wank. F--k Off.

[2wheelsagain]

^^^^^ Do I need to get the belt out for you two?
Back it down a cog or two please

[Hammy]

^^^^^ Do I need to get the belt out for you two?
Back it down a cog or two please

You obviously don't know me that good yet.

[2wheelsagain]

^^^^^ Do I need to get the belt out for you two?
Back it down a cog or two please

You obviously don't know me that good yet.

Very well then

[madmax]

FFS! this is suppose to be the joke thread lighten up everybody please!

[Cal]

What is the most unlikely thing you will hear a woman say???
.....


.....


.....

OK, but do you mind if I swallow.

[madmax]

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
So my wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!
.............She'd better not shit in the vegetable patch again!"
The silence in the Taxi was deafening ................

[gazzar]

lol

[paul]

LOL    

[gazzar]

Reply to contestant.


Dear John
Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal candidate for our new quiz show.

I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she may possess the attributes we are
looking for in the shows contestants.

However, before we take this any further, I must point out that the name of the show is actually Fact Hunt.

In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact the lady concerned.

Yours,etc etc.

[paul]

  

[truck]

As the door of his cell slams shut behind him and the lights go out

Rolf Harris puts his head in his hands.

He thinks of what he has done and begins to cry.

Suddenly behind him a voice sings

"Did you think I would leave you crying when there's room in my bunk for two"

[paul]

  

[Chook]

"WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!"

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, 
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... 
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[Chook]

SENIORS TRAVEL...........

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
He had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me, who was the old bloke I had to share the room with?'

[paul]

SENIORS TRAVEL...........

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
He had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take no for an answer.'
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me, who was the old bloke I had to share the room with?'

LOL the ultimate grab a granny weekend      

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