The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

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v

v

v

v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Chook]

Health & Safety at Christmas
To all employees,
Please be advised that all employees planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs for members of the public within this local authority area. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise abatement nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an EU approved emergency response plan must be submitted 4 weeks in advance to account for known risks to the flocks.
The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that — prior to shining his/her glory all around — s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that EU legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.
Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without a crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly with an attendant police presence to enforce the court order held ready in the event of such instances.

Merry Christmas,

Health & Safety Executive

[paul]

LOL I know it's a joke , but it rings a bit too true these days 

[truck]

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says,
"I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[paul]

VERY
VERY UPSETTING NEWS

On average, a
American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

 This is
upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

[paul]

A guy is riding happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The cop approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir"
"Why?" says the guy "Is there a fat chick on the back again."

[Re-Cycled]

VERY
VERY UPSETTING NEWS

On average, a
American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

 This is
upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

I really think so.

[paul]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One says to the other,
"Can you smell fish."


Think about it ................

[paul]

40 years 
of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic 
little restaurant. 

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married 
couple and for being loving to each other for 
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world 
with my darling husband.' 

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her 
hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an 
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm 
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 
years younger than me.' 

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and 
poof!... 

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: 
Men should 
remember fairies are female......

[paul]

VERY
VERY UPSETTING NEWS

On average, a
American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

 This is
upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

I really think so.

[BanditDave]

VERY
VERY UPSETTING NEWS

On average, a
American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

 This is
upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

I think your birthday is almost guaranteed but what is the other occasion?

[paul]

VERY
VERY UPSETTING NEWS

On average, a
American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year.

 This is
upsetting news to me, as I had no idea I was Japanese.

I think your birthday is almost guaranteed but what is the other occasion?

Her birthday...........headaches aside of course  

[BanditDave]

Twice in a 2 months in my situation. I'm not sure if I could handle that

[paul]

Twice in a 2 months in my situation. I'm not sure if I could handle that

The stress of having to " Perform " can take it's toll ...eh mate 

[paul]

A biker and his bride ask the motel clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations" says the clerk. "Luckily all our suites are still available. Would you like the bridal."
"NO thanks" says the biker, "I reckon I,ll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

[paul]

Merry Xmas ................I think 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all . . .

and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

 This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.  This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of
a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

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https://nswbandits.forumotion.net/viewtopic.forum?t=5481

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