The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Re-Cycled]

Mick, the Irishman, had heard about the swimming of the English Channel and thought he would give it a go.
After making it half way across he tired, so turned around and swam back.

Then there's the one about the Irish girl who went to her mother distraught.

Girl: Mother, I'm afraid I'm pregnant!

Mother: Are you sure it's yours?!

[paul]

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the tiled floor. 
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!". 

Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said. 

'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank. 

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 

'What's that'? asked Bruce 

I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank.. 
'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'' 

Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?' 

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'.

[gazzar]

sick Paul but nice.....................         

[madmax]

Tony Abbott was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr Abbott if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'Tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'
'Incorrect,' said Abbott. 'That would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not',explained Abbott, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Abbott searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr.Hockey and Mr.Pyne and Mrs.Bishop was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' exclaimed Abbott, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't
be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f....ing accident either!'

[gazzar]

  

[paul]

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[gazzar]

[2wheelsagain]

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday  

[Chook]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. 
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[gazzar]

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. 
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

Good 1 Chook .......................   

[paul]

A teacher at a West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" 
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."

[madmax]

  

[madmax]

I was staggering home the other morning at around 2am, when a police car pulled up along side me.
"Can I ask where you are going, sir?" the driver asked.
"Since you ask officer, I'm on my way to a lecture." I replied.
"A lecture?!? On what subject?" he asked, somewhat incredulously
"It's a lecture of the perils of alcohol and the socio-political impact on the family unit derived from excessive alcohol consumption." I answered.
"That sounds worthwhile, but who's giving lectures on that subject at this time of the morning?" he said.
"My wife........"

[Re-Cycled]

Careful that wasn't sick or bad, I think you're getting off-topic!  

[paul]

Careful that wasn't sick or bad, I think you're getting off-topic!  

       

[gazzar]

In 1896 Gustoffe Goosestep a German explorer was hiking in Kenya when he heard the loud trumpeting of an Elephant ,he followed the sound to a small clearing in the jungle where he found a huge Male Elephant with a large splinter of wood imbedded into his foot ,casting caution to the wind Gustoffe calmly walked up to the Elephant and the Elephant lifted his foot and allowed Gustoffe to remove the splinter after this the Elephant stamped his foot three times and trumpeted and walked into the jungle ,
in 1916 Gustoffe immigrated to America and visited the Bronx Zoo ,where he spotted a old male Elephant standing alone ,the Huge old male seemed to recognise Gustoffe and stamped his foot three times walked over to the enclosure fence ,and stared at Gustoffeover whelmed Gustoffe jumped the fence and rushed to greet his old friend, the Elephant wrapped his huge trunk around Gustoffe's waist slammed him onto the ground stamped on him three times then held his brocken body with his foot and with his trunk tore poor Gustoffe in half
different Fucking Elephan..........................       

[madmax]

Careful that wasn't sick or bad, I think you're getting off-topic!  

What's that getting a bit too close to home Peter??

[Ewok1958]

[gazzar]

  

[paul]

The teacher was telling the kids that "humans are the only animal that stutters"

Little Johnny chimes in with "No they aren't Miss!"

"Ok Johnny" the teacher said "What other animal stutters?"

"Cats do Miss!" he cheerfully informs her.

"Cats don't stutter, Johnny" she corrects him.

"Yes they do", he argues "the other day a big dog chased my cat and cornered him in the back of the shed, the cat said F-F-F-F, and before he could say Fuckoff the dog had him!"

[Chook]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas
Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your
mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like
hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow..........Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're
coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[truck]

While attending a Marriage Weekend, my wife and I listened to the presenter declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touching my wife's hand gently,

And whispered softly in her ear,

'Self-Raising, isn't it?'

  

[paul]

  

[truck]

Heard today that UTub, Twitter and Facebook are combining in 2015 and will be renamed U-Twit-Face  

[paul]

Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York,
and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman
boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his
seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the
annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's
your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded.'I
use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American> Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories
are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she
said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call
me Paddy.

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