The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[gazzar]

[paul]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. 

Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and 

will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface 

like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to 

go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. 
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly 
raised his hand. 

"Yes?" said the Instructor. 

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

[paul]

Are You A Pilot??

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along 
comes someone and blows it all to hell! An old Army Air Corps Pilot sat down 
at the Starbucks, still wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of 
coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. 
She turned to the pilot and asked,

"Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, 
then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in 
the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people 
to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what 
are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. 
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I 
shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked 
women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down 
on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[madmax]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up…

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

‘I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.’

‘so what do you think about that Doc?’

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

‘I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.’

‘As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the waters edge…’

‘He realised he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it right at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went ‘bang bang’.’

‘Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now what do you think about that?’ asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, ‘Logic would strongly suggest that someone else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.’

The doctor replied, ‘My point exactly.’

[Ewok1958]

  Very good.

[Chook]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[paul]

[kewwig]

How do Kiwis find sheep in long grass?


.....................................

Very nice, thank you.  Very nice

[paul]

LOL 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-4lk2-UA_I

[BanditDave]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

[BanditDave]

Subject: Sleeping with Mick

 

 [size=32]The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.[/size]

The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older and a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

[size=32]With age comes wisdom.[/size]

[paul]

[truck]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh ! Did you Kill any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?" 

He responded, "1 was on the couch 2 were on the  beer can, and the 2 females were  on the phone.

[paul]

[barry_mcki]

Had to share this - stolen from our UK cousins:

A middle aged man drives to the local bottle shop and purchases two cartons of beer and places them on the front seat.  On the way home he pulls into the gas station and while he is waiting in the queue a eighteen year old girl with blond hair and cut off denim shorts and a low cut top walks past his car and notices the beer on the seat.

She leans into the passenger side window showing her cleavage and says to the man " would you be interested in bartering?". The man says " What do you have in mind?".  she replies " I'd like to trade sex for beer".  The man thinks about it for a minute then looks her up and down and says

"What type of beer do you have?"

[Chook]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young
and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

[Chook]

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement - Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?' Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Luigi answers; 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks; ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?' Rosa answers, 'Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, you stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight...'
Luigi gasps, 'Thanka God ..... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Armani leather shoes...!

[Chook]

College Pride
A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest.
“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love,” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.
“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

[Chook]

On his 70th birthday a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a real and wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
  After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder,
warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then
say '1-2-3.'
"When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, but when she does, the
medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in
the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began pulling off her clothes and then she asked,
"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, dear friends, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[paul]

[Chook]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

[Chook]

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated :
 
- "Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

[paul]

When asked by a young patrol officer, "Do you know you were speeding?"
 
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated :
 
- "Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."

I know that feeling well 

[barry_mcki]

[Bosco15]

Classic!

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