The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[boomer]

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."


A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[paul]

[ThatOtherGuy]

hilarous, made my alien wound hurt.

[Baz]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.

[geekay007]

Three traveling salesmen are at the outskirts of a town and approach a farmhouse to see if they can stay overnight. The farmer tells them, "I only have one spare bed room, but it has a king size bed so I think you can all fit comfortably in it."

The salesmen thank the farmer and then settle down for the night.

Next morning when they wake up, the man on the left says, "I had the most amazing dream. Beyonce was giving me an awesome handjob! It felt so real!" The guy on the right said, "That's freaky! I too had the exact same dream, except Pamela Anderson was giving me a handjob!" The bloke in the middle said, "I dreamt I was skiing."

[geekay007]

Q: What do you get when you cross a prostitute with Albert Einstein?










A: A fucking know-it-all.

[Blueknight]

The definition of Discusting.

After a hell of a big night out on the piss with the boys, including a bit of an orgy with a lot of very loose women, then waking up next morning with a lump in your throat and finding it has a string attached.





The definition of Relief.

After pulling on the string and realizing it was only just a tea bag.

[paul]

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38.
The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black
bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his
suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy
buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.


The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and
charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys
the store's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00
each.
The
Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and
asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black
bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as
skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each."

[paul]

It was
entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre.

After the community
sing song led by Alice at the piano

It was time for the
Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was
going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of
you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped
to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket

A
beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on
this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see."It is a very
special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations", said
Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The
audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights
twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces. A hundred and
fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And
then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and
burst apart on impact.

"SHIT!" exclaimed Claude.

It took them
three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre. And Claude was never invited to
entertain there again.

[madmax]

Walked in to my house Friday night, my wife was gone & a note nailed to the wall that said
"We have your wife, if u want to see her again alive we want $1,000,000 Do not call the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call!!!"
l tell you what they weren't joking about being determined! since Saturday morning
I've had 72 missed calls!!!

[madmax]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field
goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[paul]

----





Eddie
McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules, is suitably
impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.
He's
signed to a one year contract and the kid joined the team for the
pre-season.
Two
weeks later the magpies are down six goals to Carlton, with 10 minutes to
play.
The
coach gives the Iraqi the nod and he goes on.
The
kid is a sensation - kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the
Magpies.
The
fans are thrilled, the coaches and players delighted, and the media are in love
with the new star.
When
the players come off, he phones his Mum.

"Hello
mum, guess what"? he says. "I played 10 minutes, kicked 7 goals and we won".
Everyone loves me.
Wonderful
says his mum. "Let me tell you about my day".

"Your
father was shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed and
beaten, and your brother joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having
a great game."

The
young fellow is upset,"What can I say mum , I am sorry."

"Sorry?
You're sorry? says his mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Collingwood in
the first place!"

[paul]

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a wank in the

kitchen. She Rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.

Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly
this .
. Why??"
She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd
rather
clean my Teeth than get the fucking mop out again!!"

[paul]

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and

Himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says
"Don't
Laugh, you're fucking next!!"

[paul]

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much
discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the
bed". He puts on
his Latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her
vagina. "How does that
feel?" he asks.
"Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my
ear!"

[paul]

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy obeys and says, "99". The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, "99". Again, the old guy says, '99'." The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'. The old guy begins, "One.... two... three..."

[paul]

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part
in the
School play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies
"Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a
speaking Part!!"

[Blueknight]

This young homosexual bloke goes to the doctor and says 'Doc, I think I may have prostate cancer."
The doctor says "No way, you are to young to have prostate problems."
The young bloke keeps on about it until the doctor finally relents and says "Ok, drop your pants and get up on the couch and I'll give you an internal examination."
The doctor sticks his finger up the young blokes bum, gives him the examination and says "I told you, you have no prostate problems."
The young bloke replies "Use two fingers this time because I want a second opinion."

[paul]

HOSPITAL BILL A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery... He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. "Do you have health insurance?" she asked. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?" He replied, "No money in the bank." Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun. He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[paul]

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar
Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.
It was the
silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a
race problem.
o

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like
able bodied
athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely
shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar
Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean
he's
unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious can’t be the first man to wake
up legless on
Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining
she's
someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him
shoes for
Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead
people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius
has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver
medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming
athlete, Oscar
Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes
about it.
That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to
say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his
leg over tonight.

[paul]

Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says
“Where the hell have you been?” Wally replies “I was out getting a
tattoo!”

“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you
get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said
proudly.

“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking her head in
disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?”

“Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels
in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right
here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want.”

[paul]

Two
men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost
silently, so as not to scare the fish, Noah
says,

'I
think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months.'


Kyle
continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,

'You
better think it over, Noah,
women like that are hard to find.'

[madmax]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Kevin's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Kevin's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find
Kevin sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner
cooking on the fire.
"Shit ,Kevin how long you been here? How did you talk your missus into letting you go ?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at home yesterday
evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put
her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who ?'"
I pulled her hands
off, and she was wearing sexy brand new lingerie. She said had been
reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey' and she had a devilish look in her
eyes!!!
She took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over.
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes !
She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am !

[madmax]

A
man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a
nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son
replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The
father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, Auntie Susie dies.


One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him
goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his
son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had
died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him
to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later,
the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is
having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this
time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the
son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to
die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a
collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning.
He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at
every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife.
“Good God, Dear,” he proclaims, “I’ve just had the worst day of my
entire life!”


She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.”

[paul]

The similarities between two books Bill Clintons life and Titanic ......................a students report

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that
they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+
for this report.


Titanic: cost -
$29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours
to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The
story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden
love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving
artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In
one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for
Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets
ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack
teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go
there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton:
Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers
Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for
the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of
seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there,
either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy
death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same
thing.

[Sponsored content]