The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.
He sits in the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili

After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.

The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."

[gazzar]

[gazzar]

A teacher asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A GIRL NAMED Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

[Chook]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

 
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

 
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"

 
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

 
She smiled happily and said ... 
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

 
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

 
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

[paul]

LOL know the feeling  

[Re-Cycled]

I stoled it from Facetube!   

[Jimmy the Boy]

  

[gazzar]

Hope this helps

The History of the Middle Finger:
Well now, here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, 'See, we can still pluck yew!’ Since 'Pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird'.

Now, your knowledge has been extended - yew thought yew knew every plucking thing, but now realise that you know 'pluck all'.

[paul]

Well pluck me , you learn something new every day  ( especially when you get older ............every day is a new adventure LOL )

[paul]

A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks,

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

[gazzar]

Military Warning to Australia From Pakistan....
This morning, the Pakistan Minister of Immigration, Mohammed Omar Upperkhan, warned Australia to cease all military activities in Afghanistan. He stated that if it does not stop immediately, Pakistan authorities will cut off Australia's supply of Cab Drivers and if this action does not yield sufficient results, Telstra Customer Service Reps will be next, followed by Centrelink Officers, Telemarketers, Supermarket trolley collectors and finally, Queensland Doctors.
THIS IS STARTING TO GET UGLY

[Jimmy the Boy]

Well pluck me , you learn something new every day  ( especially when you get older ............every day is a new adventure LOL )

Its just that you can't remember any of it the next day.

[paul]

Well pluck me , you learn something new every day  ( especially when you get older ............every day is a new adventure LOL )

Its just that you can't remember any of it the next day.

Surely not .................  umm,............. what was it I had to remember ......................

[paul]

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would
dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
 
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man
digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
 
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, " I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again? "
 
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad
who plants the trees called in sick. "

[madmax]

[gazzar]

[truck]

Heard on the NRL footy show last night:

An Islander man comes home and says to his wife "Can we get Macdonalds for dinner tonight"?
His wife replies "If you can spell Maconalds then we can get it for dinner tonight".
The Islander man thinks about it and says " Can we get KFC instead?

[paul]

A  salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A  sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought  a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with  three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman...  Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and  smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd  erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the  shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman  visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same  circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He  couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing  his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was  illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three  coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them,  then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with  three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went  wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with  him after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the  Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why  switch from walnuts to coconuts"?

"Well  laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae  be."

[Chook]

IRISH LOGIC 
  The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rageand hurriedly packing his suitcase.      
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously. 
  
"What happened?
I'll tellyou what happened. I sent an email to me wife telling her Iwas coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean,naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
 
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I amleaving forever! 
 
  "Ah, now, calm down, calm down, Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.
 
"Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.      "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...............








 she never got your email."

[Chook]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules and is sufficiently impressed to arrange for him to come over to Collingwood. He is signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for a full pre-season.
Two weeks into the home and away season however, the Magpies are down by six goals against Carlton and only 10 minutes left on the clock.
Nathan Buckley decides that with the game already lost, it is a good time to give the Iraqi kid a run; and what a decision it proves to be. The kid is an instant sensation – he kicks seven goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Magpies.
The fans are thrilled, his team mates love him, the coaches are delighted, and the press falls in love with this new superstar.
When he finally gets away from the adoring masses and makes it to the changerooms, he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL football.

“Hello mum, guess what?” he says. I played for 10 minutes today, we were six goals down, but I booted seven goals  . . . and won the game for us. Everybody loves me; the fans, the media     . . .. ..

“Wonderful” says his mum interrupting him.
“Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and is in a serious condition, I was ambushed and beaten and robbed, your sister was raped, and your brother has joined a drug gang; and all the while you were having such a great time playing a game.”
The young Iraqi is very upset and says “What can I say Mum? I’m so very, very sorry.”

“Sorry, you’re sorry?” she screams into the phone . . . . . It’s your bloody fault we shifted to Collingwood in the first place!”

[paul]

[paul]

STAY..............


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the
car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave
me a strange look and said,




"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

[Ewok1958]

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day. Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks”.

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter. "All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

[2wheelsagain]

[paul]

The six degrees of blonde 

FIRST DEGREE



A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?' 

The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'



SECOND DEGREE



Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.' 

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' 

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'





THIRD DEGREE



A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. 

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it

to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'



FOURTH DEGREE



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'



FIFTH DEGREE



What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'



SIXTH DEGREE



Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.'

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