The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

[size=48]MUM'S DRIVER'S LICENSE[/size]
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mummy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 

'OK', the little girl says, 
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago? 
 
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' 

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 

'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' 

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?' 

'I also know that you used to have brown hair.' 

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[paul]

   Aussie Wheelie Bins

In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
 

[gazzar]

  

[madmax]

There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor.

The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.

The next day the doctor called and the wife answered.

"I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said.

"I'm going to need a semen, urine and a faecal sample".

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?"

"He needs a pair of your underwear".

[madmax]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making out?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?'" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

[gazzar]

  

[gazzar]

a

[gazzar]

1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

2. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time !

3. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

4. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70 each! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

5. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

6. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

7. I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself -that guy's heading for a breakdown..

8. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that; at 2:30 am?

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

10. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

11. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

12. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend just yet.

13. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

14. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

15. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

16. Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

17. I sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

18. The wife was counting all the 5c and 10c coins out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

19. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of drinkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists.

I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

20. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...

21. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

22. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

23. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
24. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

25. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat

[truck]

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
 He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing, 'Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'


Mike glared at Yvonne and said,
'You and your  damned Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'   

[gazzar]

[paul]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of
The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep"

[gazzar]

[paul]

One night while having sex, my wife said to me "if you turn the light off, you can stick it in my arse"
I guess I should have let it cool down first.....

[Chook]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman Dave to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

Dave thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.

I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

David the milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can just splash it on my eyes." 

[Chook]

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor.

 

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency

Open heart bypass surgery.

 

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the

Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard

Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to

Pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

 

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

 

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

 

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the

Irritated nun.

 

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!

Nuns are married to God."

 
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[Chook]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[gazzar]

 WOMEN ARE INDEED UNIQUE ....

Husband's Message (by cellphone):

"Honey, a car has hit me near the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

They have been doing tests and taking X-rays

The blow to my head has been very strong,

fortunately it seems that did not cause any serious injury,

but I have three broken ribs,

a compound fracture in the left leg,

and they may have to amputate the right foot."



Wife's Response:

"Who the fuck is Paula??"

[paul]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

[paul]

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________ 
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? 
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. 
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' 
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' 
TEACHER: No, that's wrong 
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. 


____________________________________________ 
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? 
DONALD: H I J K L M N O. 
TEACHER: What are you talking about? 
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. 
__________________________________ 
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. 
WINNIE: Me! 
__________________________________________ 
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? 
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. 
_______________________________________ 
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' 
MILLIE: I is.. 
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' 
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' 
________________________________ 
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. 
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? 
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... 
______________________________________ 
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? 
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. 
______________________________ 
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. 
Did you copy his? 
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. 

 
___________________________________ 
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? 
HAROLD: A teacher.

[gazzar]

    

[gazzar]

This morning I was woken with a surprise blow job.
That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open on the train

[paul]

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.
 
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said...
 
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
 
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
 
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your
tooth.

[gazzar]

    

[gazzar]

[paul]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was bornwithout ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a serious talk with

him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the babys' missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.'

Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose

and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?'

'Yes,' the mother agreed, 'we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have a 20/20 Vision.'

'That's great,' said Little Johnnie, 'coz

he'd be fucked if he needed glasses.'

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