The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[gazzar]

ROFLMFAO..........     

[gazzar]

My wife just said, After an orgasm, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?
I said, I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.

[gazzar]

was down the pub last night with John'o and he told me he just had some strobe lights fitted in his bedroom.
He says the sex is the same, but his wife looks like she's moving now..............  

[BanditDave]

An oldie but a goodie I reckon

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk .Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really ticked me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes. '"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

[gazzar]

     

[barry_mcki]

Don't you just hate the plastic wrap they put food in these days.......

[paul]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge £20 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere" asked the girl.

The man said. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is £25..."

[paul]

Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.
Theirs will be first on the schedule.

The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"

The second boy says,
"I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

The first boy says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up,
They give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."

The second boy then asks,
"What are you going in for?"

The first boy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, mate. I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

[gazzar]

    

[madmax]

[gazzar]

  

[gazzar]

Seniors Banking
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENCE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to ****us off.


O,o,o, how true.....................

[paul]

  

[BanditDave]

Lost Puppy

[gazzar]

Now that sucks................

[paul]

Now that sucks................

The dog had better hope it doesn't " blow " instead    

[Speed Dealer]

I know it's a bit late, I heard this one last Saturday night...

Q: What's the difference between mother's day and your mother?

A: Nothing, they both only come once a year!

[paul]

[mtbeerwah]

[gazzar]

    

[paul]

After an alleged visit to the “Pleasure Parlour”,
Federal Politician Craig Thomson allegedly notices green lumps on his willy,
So, off he goes to the doctor’s .
“That’s serious” says the doctor.
“You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says Craig, nodding seriously.
“Well” says the doctor, “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[paul]

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.


He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."


Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of fuckin one?"

[gazzar]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?


7. In California you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg
....Why not?

8. What was the US President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

[madmax]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?


7. In California you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg
....Why not?

8. What was the US President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

1. Johnny
2. he weighs meat
3. Mt Everest
4 no dirt in the hole
5. incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly
6. he lives in the southern hemisphere
7. wooden legs don't take pictures cameras do
8. same as it is now
9. you'd now be in second place
10. neither, the yolk is yellow
11. one big haystack

[Hammy]

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
...What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
....How is this possible?


7. In California you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg
....Why not?

8. What was the US President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
...and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
..."The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

1. Johnny
2. he weighs meat
3. Mt Everest
4 no dirt in the hole
5. incorrectly is always spelt incorrectly
6. he lives in the southern hemisphere
7. wooden legs don't take pictures cameras do
8. same as it is now
9. you'd now be in second place
10. neither, the yolk is yellow
11. one big haystack

Spoil sport.   

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