The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[madmax]

An
older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he wanted a
special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through
his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to
see something much more special."

The jeweller went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This
one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man said, "I'll take it!"

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By
check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write
it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick
up the ring on Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweller called the old man saying, "There's no money in that account!"

The old man said, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[paul]

One
dark night in the
small town of Woopwoop , W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the
fire departments for miles around.



When the
first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes
are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will
donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to
me.'



But the
roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be
called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived,
the
president
shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to
the fire department that could save them.


Suddenly
from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight.
It was the
fire engine of the nearby Baringa
volunteer
fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.




To
everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Aboriginal firefighters, passed
the
fire
engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old
timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save
their own lives.. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.



The
grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal
firefighters.



A TV
news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter
asked the Aboriginal fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that
money?'

'Well,' said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire
chief, 'de furst ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat fukin' fire
truck!!'

[paul]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I

decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and

haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and

decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it

for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to

send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the

telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister

telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch

the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it

home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, and

then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the

bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her

sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to

send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you

want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here

to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll

read it very slowly.... 'Com-for-da-bul.

[paul]

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.





He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.



After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.




In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing,"he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?"explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides

and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem,"replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum

of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into

ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place,"she says.




So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat... Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.





While
the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house,
she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you,"the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice,"winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"



Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into

something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor

made
from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground
edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing,"he muses. "What's next?"




When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing

but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me,"she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"We've both been out here for many months.

You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course?"

[paul]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by The condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter -of-factly replies, Those are called condoms, son. Men use Them to have safe sex.' 'Oh see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 In this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high School boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday. 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday , and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then Who uses THESE?' he asks, picking Up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, The dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for ]February, ONE for March.....'<table style="WIDTH: 100%" class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tr><td style="PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%"> </td></tr></table>

[boomer]

Son said to Dad: “I'm Gay”.
Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”
Other son said. “Me too, Dad.”
Dad said. "Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this family like pussy ?”
The Daughter said “I do”.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles,
you can fuck off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out:
“And take this deaf bastard with you.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what do you
do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath ?
Answer: Throw in your washing.
We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped
me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny.
My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”
I said. Sorry mate. Did he drown?
“No” he said. “He choked on a sock.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off,
I'll take it up the arse.”
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my
pussy and you know what that means don't you?”
I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again!”
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club.
He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman.
But as we arrived back at his apartment, he reversed his car into a
tight parking slot in one fluid movement.
That's when I thought. Hang about !!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?” He said.
“I'm off to change a light bulb.”
Well, I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. I said.
“That's gonna be a bit awkward init ?”
“Not really”, he said. “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

[paul]

A teacher's story about Stuttering...... A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

[paul]

Please,
take care of yourself.

A recent joint study conducted by the

Department of Health and the
Department of Motor Vehicles indicates
that
23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the
remaining 77% are caused
By assholes who drink bottled water,
Starbucks,
soda, juice, energy drinks
And shit like that.

Therefore, beware of
those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many
accidents.

[F]

---

LITTLE JOHNNY'S SISTER OH No!!! He has a sister ???????????? Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!" Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No... Salty."

[paul]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote
and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn
channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For
god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to
fish!"

[paul]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school. "What's your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammad," he replied. "You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin." Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin." "Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonour your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again. The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?? she asked. "Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two fucking Arabs."

[madmax]

An
18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and
enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father,
mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal
family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide
for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is
born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy
is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank
account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again." .....

[paul]

The Day
the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in
salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor...
I work at great
depths...
I plunge headfirst into everything I do...
I do not get
weekends or public holidays off...
I work in a damp environment.
I work in
a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high
temperatures...
My work exposes me to contagious
diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your
request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration
rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours
straight...
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always
follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area
and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you
need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the
workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe
necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective
clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work
double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you
have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have
been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two
suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[Ross.]

[paul]

<blockquote style="MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt">





JUST
IMAGINE..

If
you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would
have
$49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago,
you would have $33.00
today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of
Lehman Brothers shares one year ago,
you would have $0.00
today!

BUT.... if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,
drank
all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....

YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST
CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO
DRINK HEAVILY AND
RECYCLE!


AND,DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the
average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that
Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS
THAT, ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE
GALLON.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T IT?
</blockquote>

[paul]

An
award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney some
months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied,
"I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to
help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out.."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We
have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[paul]

While I was driving down the motorway the other day,


(going a little faster than I should have been)


I passed under a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun lying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well,"
I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"



To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."


Speeding ticket: $105.00
Court costs: $45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

[paul]

Definition of Handsome

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a
sentence.


A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul
pole,my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of the educational system sometimes brings a tear to my
eye.

[Kaupy1962]

Mate. You never cease to amaze me. Every time I check this thread I leave it pissing myself laughing.

[paul]

A nun and a
priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day, the camel
suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the
Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence,
the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know,
Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or
two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to
make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything,
Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I
might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it
would do any harm.'


The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed
the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their
beauty.



'Sister, would you mind if I touched
them?'...


She consented
and he fondled them for several minutes..

'Father, could I ask something
of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I
see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his
robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and
after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge
erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right
place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is,
Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and
let's get the hell out of here!'

[paul]

CATHOLIC
COFFEE MORNING IN ROMEFour Catholic men and a Catholic woman
were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his
friends,

"My son is a
priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."
The second Catholic man
chirps,

"My son is a
Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third
Catholic gent says,

"My son is a
Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your
Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very
proudly,

"My son is
the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your
Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping
her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"



She proudly replies,

"I have a
daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D
BREASTS

24" WAIST and

36" HIPS.


When
she walks into a room, people say,



"Jesus
Christ”.

[paul]

UNQUESTIONNABLE LOGIC


I've been giving some serious thought about an age-old question

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Case closed. Time for another beer.

[paul]

Proudly
showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one
night, a drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass
gong hanging on the
wall
What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly
replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped
back.His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded
silence.
Suddenly, a Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For
f*#k's sake, you stupid pr#ck . It's ten
past three in the f*#king morning !!!'

[paul]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing

the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it
couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control
herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her
composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied

[paul]

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
her hearing loss
'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand
about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking
tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so
on until you get a response.'
[b]That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den.He
says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'Then
in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


'For F*** sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

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