The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[gazzar]

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE...

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8 Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[gazzar]

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... As The Force.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Norris can dislike on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

[Kiwisteve]

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

Not a pretty thought MM.....................   

Hey Gazza, you haven't met MM, even his phone likes a drink!   

[madmax]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

[gazzar]

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.

He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”

The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

Provably not far from the truth................lol

[gazzar]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People --


What do you expect from such simple creatures?


Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Chocolate is just another snack...


You can never be pregnant.


You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal.


You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.


People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.


You can open all your own jars.


If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


Everything on your face stays its original color.


The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.


One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.


You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.

[madmax]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

[gazzar]

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a
Sexual Harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget.."

[madmax]

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.

She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[madmax]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great but my thumb still hurts"

[gazzar]

Boom,boom..............   

[gazzar]

Disney's new film called "JET BLACK," - the world's first aboriginal version of "Snow White” has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute”

All 7 Aboriginal dwarfs:
Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Bludger,
have walked off the set after refusing to sing the “Hi Ho!” song.

All 7 are insisting that they have no fucken intention of singing
"It's off to work we go."

[madmax]

The police officer had just pulled over a yuppie on a new Harley for running a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please..." the officer asked.
"What's the problem, officer?" the yuppie replied.
"You just ran a stop sign." the officer said.

"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a single car anywhere in sight."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and only then proceed with caution."
"You've got to be kidding me!" the yuppie said.
"It's no joke sir." the officer said flatly, pulling out his citation book and preparing to write a ticket.

"Look I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one, and proceeded with caution."
The officer sighed and slowly shook his head. "That's beside the point sir, you are supposed to come to a complete stop and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..." the officer began.

"You sure do have a lot of time on your hands pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed this early?" the yuppie asked sneering.

"SIR!" The officer sighed. "I'll over look that last comment now let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop." the yuppie said, folding his arms across his chest.

A smile appeared on the officer's face. "Sir, I can do better than that." The police officer quickly jerked the rude yuppie off his Harley, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. "Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

[gazzar]

  Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called:Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex – occasionally - and if you do, you only have
it in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'F' you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife / husband any more... He / she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Pension Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own!!

[gazzar]

  A lady walks into Harrods.

She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'woops' and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Good looking, as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with,

'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?


Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,

'What is the price of this lovely bracelet?'


He answers,

"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

[gazzar]

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of
Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far
from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever
leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags
short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in
between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will
reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with
the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever
having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were
saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It
was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed
a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were
going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who
bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums
to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and
drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken
over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to
be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

    And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic
Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things
around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began................!

[jeeringjason72]

Lol, very clever with the acronyms gaz.


Here's some graffiti I had to chuckle at on the dunny wall at work

THINGS THAT I HATE
1. Lists
2. Vandalism 
3. Irony

[gazzar]

[madmax]

Walking down the street, a man hears a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk.

The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."

The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

[gazzar]

         The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis
enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
  The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is
having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f###ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

[gazzar]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blistery day.[i][i]The daughter said to her mother,'My hands are freezing cold.'[i][i]The mother replied,'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.[i][i]The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,


'My hands are freezing cold.'[i][i]The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.[i][i]He said,[b]'My nose is cold ..'[i][i]The girl replied[b]'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.[i][i]The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,[b]'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,[i]and she asks,
[b]'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said, Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,[/b][/i][/i][/b][/i][/i][/b][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i][/i]

[b][i]'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!![/i][/b] [/b][/i]

[barry_mcki]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, Honey you were right all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. What do you mean? asked his wife. Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in...............

[gazzar]

B-M you sick bugger.....................     

[barry_mcki]

Read this on a UK Bandit site, got to share it :

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife all the time.
I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, feeling anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text message came in:
Damn spell-check. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[paul]

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, 
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said,
"I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, 
"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,
"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."
 

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