The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[gazzar]

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.

[Chook]

A  man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "its golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[paul]

  

[gazzar]

  

[truck]

The Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and they gave their drink order..

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'the chocolate cheesecake, with whipped cream, please', said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon my curiosity,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,

'But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, SOMEBODY has to go "Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"'

[gazzar]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".One week later, Australia 's Northern Terri tory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Terri tory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless." ...Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!.................... 

[Kiwisteve]

 

[Chook]

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

[paul]

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

Free ballin' ..................   

[gazzar]

"It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

Aaahhhhhh... Bbaaabbbbaabaabbbbaabb aaaaahhhhhh.... Bbbaaaaabbbbbaaaaa......      

[gazzar]

A radio host invited callers to reveal the nick-names they had for their wives.
The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman".
The Host asked him why that name?

He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."

[Chook]

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because  she can't sleep,
the wife goes to the vet to see if  he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon  around the dog's testicles, and he will stop  snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. 
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of  red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's  testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.  

The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her  husband returns home drunk from being out drinking  with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep  and immediately begins snoring loudly. 
The woman  decides maybe the ribbon might work on him.
So, she  goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue  ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.  
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps  soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken  stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.
As he  stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the  mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his  privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks  back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon  attached to his dog's testicles..

He shakes his  head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know  where we were or what we did,



............................................but, by God we took  FIRST and SECOND place!

[gazzar]

  

[gazzar]

Tablets
​

My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some
of those tablets that 'help' you to get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.
​

[Chook]

A drunken man walked into a biker bar, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. Looking around, he saw three men sitting at a corner table.  He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and said:   


'I visited your grandma today and

I saw her in the hallway - naked.

She is a fine looking woman!'

The biker looked at him but didn't say a word.  

His mates are confused, because he is bad and would fight at the drop of a hat.    

The drunk leaned on the table again and said: 

'I had sex with your grandma and she was good,   

the best I ever had!'   

The biker's mates are starting to get really wild   

but the biker still said nothing.   

The drunk leaned on the table one more time and said,   

'I'll tell you something else, boy,    

your grandma liked it!'    


At this point the biker stood up,   
took the drunk by the shoulders   

looks him squarely in the eyes and said ................... 

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

 

[gazzar]

Honeymoons

Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. Mum was a bit
worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions
of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said
nothing but: "Nescafe". Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the
Nescafe jar. It said: "Great from beginning to end". Mum blushed, but was pleased for
her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size". She was again slightly
embarrassed but still happy for her daughter..


The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand .. Mum waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month passed; still nothing... A card
finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand "..


Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for Air NZ.




'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'

MUM FAINTED!!!

[Chook]

$7.00 SEX

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a Sex Therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and best of all.... OBAMACARE pays $43 of it!

[gazzar]

AADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.

I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study,
so I go into the house to my desk where
I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..

As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed

The bills aren't paid

There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface

The flowers don't have enough water,

There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I'm really tired.

I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....

Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, Because I can't remember who the hell I've sent it to.

Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[madmax]

Sounds like a perfectly normal day for me   

[Kiwisteve]

Sounds like a perfectly normal day for me   

   Gazza has a few years on you, young fella   

[madmax]

Sounds like a perfectly normal day for me   

   Gazza has a few years on you, young fella   

Must have started early for me then

[Re-Cycled]

Sounds like a perfectly normal day for me   

   Gazza has a few years on you, young fella   

Must have started early for me then

Ah Early Onset AAADD!

[gazzar]

[madmax]

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

[gazzar]

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.

As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t.” They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

Not a pretty thought MM.....................   

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