The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Yep, kinda makes ya feel warm'n'fuzzzzy knowing ur not alone......... Wot!      

Hammy loves the warm'n'fuzzy.      

[gazzar]

thats a f'n worry............ lol

[madmax]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

[gazzar]

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband
leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin  .
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then
smiled " It really works ! "
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COLIN THE ABORIGINE
 
 
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood..  He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.  How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.  How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,
.
.
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 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

[paul]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time.

My work is done here.

[gazzar]

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
-------------------------------------------

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
-------------------------------------------

 " Morning Sex "

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
 
 
 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken." 

ENJOY

[paul]

I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night, when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said, "Give me your number, sexy."

I replied "Have you got a pen?"

She smiled and said "Yes."

I replied, "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

[gazzar]

LMAO............      

[gazzar]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar ... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence .....

[paul]

Camila, Duchess of Cornwall wore a pair of new shoes for her wedding. That night, when the celebration was over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me." Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales tried right shoe but the shoe would Not budge.   "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder". Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!".. "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,"Oh God, darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,"That's my boy!  He served in the Navy. Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

[gazzar]

    

[kewwig]

Bloke walked into a bar with a silly grin on his face.  "5 shots of scotch, please, bartender", he said.  The bartender, seeing the young bloke was by himself, asked "mate, what's the occasion?"

"First blowjob" was the reply.

"Mate", the bartender said.  "That's a time to celebrate in any bloke's life.  Here, let me shout you another."

"No thanks" was the reply.

"Why not?" Says the bartender.

"Cos if I can't lose the taste after 5, there's no point"

*********************************************

[gazzar]

Yuck,yuck,yuck,   

[paul]

IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown" The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.   The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................  I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown" The little white Irishman says: "Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[gazzar]

  

[Chook]

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,' I said.

Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how,may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -

Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

STAY AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A
BARTENDER!

[Bosco15]

Young John on his sixteenth birthday got various gifts and a total of $50 in cash in his birthday cards. 
With the cash burning a hole in his pocket he went shopping and ended up with a new pair of joggers. 
On his walk home he passed a lady of the night plying her trade on the street corner.
"Hello handsome, I'm Cherry. Would you like some company?" she asked
Being a virgin, John instantly sprang to attention.
"I'd love to Mrs, but I've never been with a woman before and I've just spent my money on these new joggers." said John.
Having a bit of a slow day and taking pity on the young lad, Cherry decided to strike a bargain.
"I'll tell you what, Pet. I'll let you find out what it's like to be with a woman if you give me those joggers. But I won't be able to put on the full show, won't get excited or anything, I'm just going to lie there, Ok?"
John readily agreed and handed over the joggers. 
Up in her room Cherry stripped and lay back on the bed with her legs in the air.
"Come on then, Pet" Cherry said, motioning for John to climb aboard.
John climbed between Cherry's legs and began to make love. 
As promised, Cherry just lay there. 
Humping and grinding, puffing and blowing, young John went to town. 
After a few minutes he felt first one leg then another slowly wrap around his body.. then her arms wrapped around him and she gave a few grunts. 
Wow! John thought to himself, I'm a great lover.
When it was all over and they were dressing again, John said " I'm glad that I could make love well enough to make you enjoy it."
Puzzled, Cherry laughed and asked what he meant.
" Well you said that you would'nt get excited, but you ended up wrapping your legs and arms around me and groaning."
"Oh, that." said Cherry " I was just trying on the joggers, but they're a little small and I had a struggle to get them on."

[paul]

    

[Chook]

A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck........
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,
'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31kgs that week...

[Hammy]

A nice young Lady asked me yesterday, if I Tweeted ?

I replied  No.  But I fart quite a bit.

[paul]

A nice young Lady asked me yesterday, if I Tweeted ?

I replied  No.  But I fart quite a bit.

I doubt that would give out a weak chirping sound    

[Re-Cycled]

A nice young Lady asked me yesterday, if I Tweeted ?

I replied  No.  But I fart quite a bit.

I doubt that would give out a weak chirping sound    

Depends, he's very tense, lots of pressure lately, that can make it high-pitched!

BTW Why don't women fart?
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 Because they can't keep their mouth shut long enough to build up the required pressure!

[Hammy]

A nice young Lady asked me yesterday, if I Tweeted ?

I replied  No.  But I fart quite a bit.

I doubt that would give out a weak chirping sound    

Why make me the "Butt" of the joke ?      

[madmax]

[madmax]

A male driver gets stopped by police, and is asked: "Have you been drinking?"
The man replies: "Okay, yes, I have... how did you know officer? Was I swerving across the road, or speeding?"
"No sir," replied the policeman, "...nothing else can explain that fat ugly woman sitting next to you.

"

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