The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

It all began with an iPhone...


March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him
an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very
happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod
Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an
iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...


I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash,
iCook and iClean. (This inevitably activates the iNag reminder
service.)

I should be out of the hospital next week







PS iHurt

[BanditDave]

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazywhile you drained me.



Finally, I drifted off to sleep.



Today when I awoke, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events.

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it all the more difficult to forget you.

Tonight, I will remain awake, waiting for you........
.
.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

</SPAN>





.


F***ing mosquito!

[paul]

[paul]

Have you
ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:


There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort
to
spend
time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he
would
take
his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some
quality
time - pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.


One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really
didn't
feel
like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward
to
their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to
the
rescue
and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive
and
breakfast.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran
upstairs to see her
grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride
with
grandma?" he asked.

"Not really, Pa Pa , it was really
boring. We didn't see a single
asshole,
queer, lesbian, piece of crap, horse's ass, liberal pinko,
blind
bastard,
dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"


Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[paul]

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and
ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a
very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and,
if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even
the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to
have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no
one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the
answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for
the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the
witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her
price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered
such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden;
but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth
and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot
and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific
experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most
beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a
witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time
and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show
off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch?
Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a
beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly

---

[/center]

[paul]

[paul]

[Little Susie was not the best student in
Catholic School .

Usually she slept through the
class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her
while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the
universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who
was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the
rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted
Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued
teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who
is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her
slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and
stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted
Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,'
and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question...'What
did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This
time Susie jumped up and shouted,

'If you stick that damn thing in me one
more time, I'll break it inHalf!'

The nun fainted !

[/center]

[paul]

A Jewish daughter
says to her mother,

"I'm divorcing Irv."
All he wants is sex, sex and
more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece
when it used to be
the size of a nickel."

Her mother says,
"You're married to a
multi-millionaire businessman.
You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion.
You drive
a $250,000 Ferrari.
You get $2,000 a week allowance.
You take 6 vacations
a year and you want to throw all that away....

over 45
cents?



Now that's
a Jewish mother... !

[/center]

[paul]

Life is like a penis - simple,relaxed and hanging free ...It's women who make it hard !!

[paul]

My wife, Julie, had been after me
for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to
doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
care of another
matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up,
she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet
seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both
pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I
undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove
her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position
where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of
this.).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well,
Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor
replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them.......
I just never saw one
mounted and framed."

[paul]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well... We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders. "Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him

[madmax]

[truck]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in West Texas.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of warm chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

[paul]

[ThatOtherGuy]

The only sick part of this joke is that there are circumstances that allow the joke to be made in the first place.

THE YEAR 2013 !

One sunny day in January, 2013, an old man approached the Lodge the Canberra
residence of Australia's Prime Minister Julia Gillard

he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the guard and said,

"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Julia Gillard."

The Guard looked at the man and said, "Sir, Ms Gillard is no longer Prime Minister
and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the The Lodge and said to the same Guard,

"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

The Guard again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday,

Ms Gillard is no longer Prime Minister and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the The Lodge and spoke to the very same Guard,

saying,"I would like to go in and meet with Prime Minister Gillard."

The Guard, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,

"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Ms Gillard.

I've told you already that Ms Gillard is no longer the Prime Minister and no longer resides here.

Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Guard and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

[Baz]

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said
Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.

[paul]

[paul]

A man Moves into a nudist colony.
He receives a letter
From his grandmother asking him to send her a
Current photo of himself in his new Location.
Too Embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
Nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails It.
The next Day he discovers that he had accidentally sent
The bottom half of the photo. He's really Worried
but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't Notice.
A few Weeks later, he receives a letter from his
Grandmother,
It says: "Thank you for the Picture.
Change your hairstyle... It makes your
Nose look too short."
Love,Grandma

[paul]

Got home late last night & the missus left a message for me ...............










Guess she wants me to eat more fruit

[madmax]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[Yoshy]

[paul]

MAMA'S
BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner
together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give
their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know
I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large
theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes
dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama
loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't
see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could
recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but
it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration
Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you
built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole
house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I
have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was
good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby
sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my
hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture
just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious
Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

[paul]

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower.
She
said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy
has a baby growing in her
tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's
growing in your bum?'

[paul]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to
her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to
warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little
went up to the farmer
and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is
falling!'
The teacher paused
then asked the class, 'And what do you think that
farmer said?'
One little
girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:
'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
minutes.

[paul]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to
the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The
barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your
muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

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