The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Bosco15]

MM must have Googled the answers.   

[Hammy]

MM must have Googled the answers.    

His Mum helped him.        

[Chook]

MM must have Googled the answers.    

His Mum helped him.        

[Chook]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[madmax]

MM must have Googled the answers.    

No they are easy, you've just got to think outside the square

[madmax]

MM must have Googled the answers.    

His Mum helped him.        

How did you guess   

[paul]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

   

[Bosco15]

The plane crashed right on the border of QLD & NSW, with half of the plane in QLD and half in NSW, killing 187 people. 
Which state would you burry the survivors in?

[madmax]

The plane crashed right on the border of QLD & NSW, with half of the plane in QLD and half in NSW, killing 187 people. 
Which state would you burry the survivors in?

Well in Australia we don't bury survivors   

Come on you've got to do better than that!

[truck]

The plane crashed right on the border of QLD & NSW, with half of the plane in QLD and half in NSW, killing 187 people. 
Which state would you burry the survivors in?

A dead state?
Reminds me of the one about the plane crash in the irish cemetry - so far authorities have recovered over 1300 bodies.  
Apologies to my Irish friends.

[Bosco15]

Damn, your good Max.
You must be one of them special people, like Rain man.   

[gazzar]

Not just a bunch of pretty face's wot!............................ Bahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah                       

[paul]

Not just a bunch of pretty face's wot!............................ Bahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah                       

Not even ................LOL    

[gazzar]

Not just a bunch of pretty face's wot!............................ Bahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah                       

Not even ................LOL    

Right..............Bahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah        

[paul]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing' "

[Cal]

Fantastic! 

[truck]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No,"the little boy said . . . . "It's a puppy!"

[gazzar]

GHOST SEX A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic.
Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from back there I thought you said ...... "Goats."

[paul]

    ...................I wonder if Hammy also went to that school      

[paul]

TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway,

and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.

The team that installs the most poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Bud and Buddy, the two Port Pirie guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve. Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"

Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in.``

"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[paul]

2 irish blokes are standing around looking at a flag pole and a blonde woman walks past and askes what they are doing. Both turn around and say we need to mesure the height of this flag pole. The blonde woman walks over to the flag pole pulls it out lays it on the ground and mesures it. There you go guys and she walks off. Both irish men then yell out to the woman we need the fooking height not the length..

[gazzar]

After landing myself in jail, I spent the next hour getting relentlessly butt fucked, sometimes I think my uncle takes monopoly far too seriously....................

[Bosco15]

Mick, the Irishman, had heard about the swimming of the English Channel and thought he would give it a go.
After making it half way across he tired, so turned around and swam back.

[Chook]

A daughter asked her dad, "Dad, there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand --
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a servicing that -- his motor will cease functioning and his ball bearings will fall off!!"

[gazzar]

      

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