The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[madmax]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[paul]

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs .........................

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.

[paul]

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the
bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab
the phone, but just as she's dialing,
her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty
Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and
she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back
upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked,
playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[paul]

Young Mario lived in Italy and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up saying, 'Sorry Mario, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Mario replied,’ Well a then, just give a me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'I can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Mario said, 'Ok then, just bring a me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Mario said, 'I'm a going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Mario said, 'Yes a I can, I just won't tell anybody he is dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Mario and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Mario said, 'I raffled him off. I sold a 500 tickets at $2 each and I made a profiti of $898.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Mario said, 'Just a the guy who won, so I gave a him his $2 back.'
Mario now works for the government.

[paul]

Doesn't Take Long.............

Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes

[gazzar]

My missus packed my bags and, as I walked out of the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

 "Oh," I replied, "so you want me to fucking stay now?!"

[Tsim]

My missus packed my bags and, as I walked out of the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

 "Oh," I replied, "so you want me to fucking stay now?!"

Story of my life right now

[gazzar]

as they say '' shit appens a ''

[gazzar]

My  Final Will !!

I  was sitting with the computer the other day  drafting my will and I called out to my  wife,

 


 
 
"WHEN  I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO  YOU, LOVE!"


   











SHE  SHOUTED BACK  "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY  BASTARD!!”

      

[paul]

The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.

[gazzar]

On the first day of school, the children
brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought
the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a
bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the
teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son (Little Johnny) brought up
a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking
a little bit..

She touched a drop of the liquid
with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," Johnny replied.

She tasted another drop
and asked, "Champagne?"

"No" said Johnny.

She tasted again; "Is it Scotch?"

"No," said Johnny............."It's a puppy!"

[gazzar]

Global Facts About Sex
 
   At any given moment:
 
   FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
   FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
   FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
   FACT: 1 old person is reading this.
 
  You hang in there, sunshine!

[paul]

    

[gazzar]

Boy says to his Dad "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green"?

Dad replies "It's just a saying, Son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something they say that they've been caught 'red-handed' even though their hands are actually black".

[paul]

What's in a name?
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

[gazzar]

LMAO.

[boomer]

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.
Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
 
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
 
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of hertop. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her
pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.’
 
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c....?'

'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'

[madmax]

  

[paul]

Two blokes in a pub discussing their sex lives, first bloke says " we're still
at it like rabbits". Second bloke says" l only give it to her once a month,
l call it, 'Bruce Lee night'. His mate asks why? He replies 'Enter the Farken
Dragon'.

[paul]

Marriage is like a deck of cards, at the start all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond,in the end all you want is a club and a spade.

[gazzar]

Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses
to get to married.
He says "the wedding rings look like minature
handcuffs....."

--Anonymous
------------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u
let him in!

--Anonymous

------------------------------------------------------------

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying
with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die?
Why
did you have to die?"  The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For
whom
do you mourn so? Deeply?
A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then
replied "My wife's first husband."

------------------------------------------------------------

[paul]

Short, Sweet & Sometimes True!!!

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~

My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~
A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

~~~~~

[gazzar]

    

[Hammy]

Kinda sez a lot about the kind of people on this forum when a thread entitled  "The sick/bad joke thread",  is up to page 47.     

[gazzar]

Yep, kinda makes ya feel warm'n'fuzzzzy knowing ur not alone......... Wot!      

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