The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[2wheelsagain]

I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

[Hammy]

I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

So now the "Born again Skinny Guy " is telling FAT JOKES.   Well that just about takes the cake .   

[2wheelsagain]

I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

So now the "Born again Skinny Guy " is telling FAT JOKES.   Well that just about takes the cake .   

I don't eat cake

I did think about posting it for that reason mate. But its funny so I did

[Hammy]

I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

So now the "Born again Skinny Guy " is telling FAT JOKES.   Well that just about takes the cake .   

I don't eat cake

I did think about posting it for that reason mate.  But its funny so I did

No explanation required.  I'm only stirring.  You should know me by now.   

[2wheelsagain]

I was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”

One of them screamed, “It's WALES you f**king idiot!”

So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I expect to be released from hospital tomorrow.

So now the "Born again Skinny Guy " is telling FAT JOKES.   Well that just about takes the cake .   

I don't eat cake

I did think about posting it for that reason mate.  But its funny so I did

No explanation required.  I'm only stirring.  You should know me by now.   

Yep. Was just saying I did think about it.
I know you mate

[paul]

Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.

That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.

The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.

Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.

What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!

He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.

At that moment there was a knock at the front door.

Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.

"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?"

And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.

[paul]

A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"

The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".

The waiter leaned close and whispered, " well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

[paul]

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Jesus Christ almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

[paul]

A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installing
new Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle.
Male and Female procedures have been
tailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute and
then press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder
and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake

[2wheelsagain]

Spammy, A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, He-cycled, a farmer, walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the He-cycled proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy Spammy. "Out here in the country," He-cycled says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily Spammy agrees and prepares himself. The He-cycled hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The Spammy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn." He-cycled grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."



Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[paul]

Spammy, A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, He-cycled, a farmer, walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the He-cycled proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy Spammy. "Out here in the country," He-cycled says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily Spammy agrees and prepares himself. The He-cycled hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The Spammy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn." He-cycled grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."



Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

LOL , that's nothing to do with Hammy & his duck has it ? 

[Ewok1958]

No, according to expert advice, Hammy is more of a cutlet man.    

[Jimmy the Boy]

My wife found out that our Schnauzer could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.  

The vet said the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.  

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. 

At the register, the pharmacist said, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." 

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." 
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." 

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." 

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[paul]

  

[madmax]

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "OOh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat woman. The son said, "Hey dad, she's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

[madmax]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..

What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[madmax]

Man Vs. Woman

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Morning:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Money Management:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't.

Happiness:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.

Marriage Expectations:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Marriage Decisions:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Memories:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry
her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

Understanding Women:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage and after marriage.

What a Woman Wants:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.

Longevity:
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

Mistakes:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people
remembering the same thing.

The Battle:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

[madmax]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. "WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled.

No one answered.

"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[paul]

    

[barry_mcki]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism website. Obviously the answers came from fellow Aussies.....just trying to help:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[paul]

  

[Jimmy the Boy]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER


A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[SuzySuzuki]

Oh god, best giggle I've had in a long time...thanks guys  

[Boatz]

Nice one Jimmy 

[madmax]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Sponsored content]