The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Ewok1958]

+1

[SuzySuzuki]

Thank you Paul, any chance of a book... fuggin magbrilextaful!

I think I might get writers cramp LOL ( I have quite a few mates who also have a warped sense of humor & send me this stuff & vice versa )

Omg ive never laughed so hard, these jokes are freakin funny!

[gus]

Unfortunately that sounds like me in the passenger seat ,I'm really BAD .(with good reason )

[paul]

Unfortunately that sounds like me in the passenger seat ,I'm really BAD .(with good reason )

[paul]

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing....


I asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said


"try the ATM in the lobby."

[Mpottsy]

"satnav" PMSL cheers paul

[madmax]

[paul]

[paul]

Sign in a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**********************
Sign on the back of another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
And the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[paul]

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I know" she answered sweetly. "Let us be very careful not to hurt each other.......OK?"

[paul]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the
Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with
the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a
patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was
trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it
back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save
all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and
about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

[paul]

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo,
and not even a Single One Hitting the Target...
From another room Wife called the Husband:
Honey What Are You Doing?
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......






Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!







Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:
My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you ...
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?







There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single & make wonders happen,
Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
The rest get married & wonder what happened!?




The A B C..
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."
She asks...... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........






Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the remaining 23 hours!





There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.

[mtbeerwah]

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…! That's when I thought “Fucking wait a minute…”

[paul]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and couldn't play anymore.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge....
.....looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.
He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with.
There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy!"
.
.
.
.
.
"My balls are itchy!"

[paul]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It
manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank."

He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the
cat, "Whisky".

He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your
girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy."

At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered: "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's
talking about. Let's pick up Fanny and Willy and go home."

[paul]

[paul]

[paul]

There was a family gathering,

With all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet
Into Grandpa's drink,

And after a while, Grandpa excused himself

Because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however,
His trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?'

He is asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know.

I had to go to the bathroom.
So I took it out and started to pee,

But then I saw that it wasn't mine,
So I put it back!'

[paul]

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,
"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."

[paul]

An oldie & maybe a repost but oh well



COLIN THE Australian ABORIGINE
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks.. I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,
‘I want the prick who pushed me in.’

[paul]

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married an
Australian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Murray Bridge. The
poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with
her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for
groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher
and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request,
so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her
thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get
chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a
chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher
understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady
needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought
her husband to the store...












What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!

[paul]

A
koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint
When a
little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey
Koala! What are you doing?
The
koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the
little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few
hits.
After a
while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to
get a drink from the river.
The
little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the
river.
A
crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the
side.
Then he
asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard
explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree,
smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a
drink…
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into
the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey
you!'
So the
koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit
dude...

How much water did you drink?

[paul]

An
elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one
evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every
request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years
and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was
in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,
'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her
head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my
mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old
arsehole what his name is.'

[paul]

In the original native culture of
Thailand, when males reached the age of 18 they had to participate in the
following community ceremony:-



They lay themselves stark naked in a large
circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles
of each the men.



She places a blob of honey and various
crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects.




(This keeps them off his face during the
ceremony)



A specially chosen nubile and very
beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the centre of the
circle.



As soon as all the men become fully
aroused and develop erections, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees,
pull the fully erected penises downwards as much as they can and then on a given
signal from the centre dancer release them.



The men's penises would then spring back
up and go "WHAP!" against their belly buttons.



This exercise was a measurement of the
strength of their masculinity . . .the man who killed the most flies was elected
to the court of the King.



And that folk's is why the current capital
of Thailand came to be named
Bangkok.

[paul]

A young Sydney woman
was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young
man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor,
and we are off to California tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to
lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to California, the
woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he
would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her
until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get
a free trip to California."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got
the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is,"
replied the captain. "This is the Manly Ferry."

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