The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

A coach load of paddy’s on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won $52!!!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take-off it's shell to reduce it's weight and to make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "Is it tickin?"
Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef"

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."
Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.
It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.
Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the letter up.

Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".
He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks.
"Here Boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell are you doing" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe".

An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat?"
Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat".
 
 
 

[paul]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

• A group of young kids were asked how do you decide who to marry and here are the results which are pretty amusing.
  

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don’t want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8
(2) It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is……..
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

[paul]

One of “Fifty Shades of Grey”

He was in blissful ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.

Her heart was pounding...pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder. Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.

Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said






"OK!!, OK!! So I CAN'T parallel park the f..king car!!!!

[Kaupy1962]

HaHaHaHa Fucking LOL! that's a bloody ripper Paul.

[paul]

With Xmas upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.
As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine.
Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a taxi home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadside but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a taxi before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

[paul]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney pub when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
 
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
 
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
 
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
 
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.
 
He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
 
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?’
 
'Damn', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched.’
 
                                    xxxxxxxxxxx
 
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
 
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and
out of sight under the table.
 
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
 
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[Re-Cycled]

A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney pub when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
 
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
 
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.

In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
 
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch.
 
He backed nothing. After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?’
'Damn', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched.’

---

---

---

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.
 
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
 
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
 
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
 
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[paul]

Did you edit it , or is there another secret I should know about ?  



I see editor mode works .............ta   

[Re-Cycled]

Did you edit it , or is there another secret I should know about ?  



I see editor mode works .............ta   

I just removed the superfluous tags, so we could benefit from you humour, I hope you don't mind.

[paul]

Did you edit it , or is there another secret I should know about ?  



I see editor mode works .............ta   

I just removed the superfluous tags, so we could benefit from you humour, I hope you don't mind.

Not at all , I later tried to repost it in editor mode , & it worked without the add-ons ....................I could never figure out how to get rid of them without manually removing them .  

[madmax]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."So next Sunday he took the Monsignor advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[paul]

What do dwarves and midgets have in common?
Very little.


What did the sea ask the sailor using a telescope?
"Water you looking at."


Why did the scientist get rid of his door bell?
Cause he wanted to win the Noble prize


If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?


What happened to the man who got a job as a human cannonball?
He got fired the same day!


I went to a Chinese restaurant the other day and the waiter told me I'd have to eat my duck with my eyes closed.
I asked him why and he said because it was a "No Peking Duck".

[paul]

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks.

On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight
boxer Evander Holyfield.
'Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my
ass?' he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture
on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.

'Oh, good Lord!' the queer exclaims, 'I just adore Iron Mike! Can
you do him on my other cheek?'

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, 'Well come on
then, drop
your trousers and give us a look.'

So he quickly drops his pants and bares his arse.

His boyfriend gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over!
........
I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

[madmax]

A gay man decides to get a tattoo on his buttocks.

On arrival at the tattooist he spots a picture of the heavyweight
boxer Evander Holyfield.
'Oh! He's my favourite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my
ass?' he asked the tattooist.

So it was done. On the way out of the store he spots another picture
on the wall, this time Mike Tyson.

'Oh, good Lord!' the queer exclaims, 'I just adore Iron Mike! Can
you do him on my other cheek?'

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says, 'Well come on
then, drop
your trousers and give us a look.'

So he quickly drops his pants and bares his arse.

His boyfriend gasps and replies, "I think our relationship is over!
........
I sure as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

  

[2wheelsagain]

Dave was the vice-president of ACME inc. One day the president, Mr. Smith called him into his office.

He told Dave that they had to make some cutbacks and either Jack or Barb would have to be laid off.

Dave looked at Mr Smith and said " Barb is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know who to fire."

I'll tell you what to do. Fire the first one of them who comes in to work tomorrow Mr. Smith replied.

The next morning Dave waited for either Jack or Barb to show up. Barb was the first to arrive.

Dave said to her "Barb I've got a problem." "Really? What's wrong?" Barb replied.

"Well you see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do"

Barb replied, "Jack off! I've got a headache."

[Jimmy the Boy]

  Very clever.

[madmax]

[madmax]

[paul]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm ?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’

[paul]

A woman sitting in a Darwin Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

Kan ya swalla? asked Bluey

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kan ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[paul]

Bob was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

Bob went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be light gray.

Bob went to the front door and yelled 'Hey, GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.

Bob went to the front door and yelled 'Oi GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

Bob said, 'Oh don't you worry about that, I've got a couple of  Kiwi's laying the turf out the front.

[Jimmy the Boy]

At least they were laying the turf and not the sheep.   Ouch! Poor old Steve, always taking one for the team.

[madmax]

Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'

So the illustrious president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy..'

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered.. Obama searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ....... and you can bet your black ass it wouldn't be an accident either..

[paul]

  

[madmax]

A guy walks into a bar in Birmingham Alabama and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up,

expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the northeast.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada .."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist?

What in tarnation is a taxidermist?

Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi.

I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It’s okay boys.

He's one of us."

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