The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY








Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



Finally CONFUCIUS SAY . .



"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[madmax]

What is 6 inches long and not getting sucked this Valentines day?











Whitney Houston's crack pipe!

[paul]

A man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a Padre. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the Padre and asked, 'Say Padre, what causes arthritis?'

The Padre replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of personal hygiene!'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' Then returned to reading his newspaper.

The Padre, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it.

[paul]

NAG, NAG, NAG...
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day at court trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on she went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"

[paul]

Subject: Fw: Second Opinion




The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife. When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[paul]

Splinters in Her Crotch!

A woman who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland near Collie, Western Australia .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Bob Brown and his political Green Party policies they turned me down!!"

[paul]

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one........"

[paul]

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME.'

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER COIN IN, OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, AND YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE .'

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER COIN IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ:

'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A VIOLIN.'

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, 'I KNOW THAT IS WRONG - I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE.' SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A MAN CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS VIOLIN CASE ON THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM.
WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE MAN'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE VIOLIN, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, 'THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER COIN, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG , YOU ARE GOING TO MELBOURNE AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND.' NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG ,AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, 'I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE.' BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID TO HERSELF, 'THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE. I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.'
SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE,PUT IN ANOTHER COIN AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT.

IT READ: 'YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 70KG, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO MELBOURNE .'

[paul]

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[madmax]

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.

Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one
button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps. >> >>

He whispers . .

'Iron this. Then get me a beer'.

[madmax]

FUNNY LABELS ......

On a blanket from Taiwan.
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer.
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts.
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners.
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box.
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine.
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On Nytol sleep aid.
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

[NTBill]

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, ‘I’m an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


 
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS  AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH 

[madmax]

A man is travelling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night. After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers. The traveller asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees -- as long as he doesn't screw his granddaughter. Before the traveller can agree, the old man warns him that if he does screw his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him. The traveller says okay, and the man lets him in.

When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.

The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, "First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest." Being a strong man, the traveller thinks nothing of it. He picks up the rock and throws it out the window. On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading "Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock." Thinking quickly, the traveller jumps out the window. On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, "Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post."

[chips]

SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS  AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[paul]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.

He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He
promised. She said, "I sell tampons".

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm
still one hole behind you."

[F]

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.



He said it was islamb and he could do what he fucking wanted with it.

[F]

Women always say that giving birth is way

more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.



Here is proof that they are wrong.



A year or so after giving birth a woman will
often say "it'd be nice to have another baby".



You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind
another kick in the nuts".



Case closed.

[paul]

[paul]

Bagpiper at a Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost .


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."

[Re-Cycled]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[paul]

[Kiwisteve]

Bagpiper at a Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost .


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.


I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played
Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like
I've never played before for this homeless man.


And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.


As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
Tanks for twenty years."

Thats a classic

[paul]

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah ..... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus .... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[paul]

How do you get a black eye in a pub....

Walked into a pub last night, there were 2 large girls drinking at the counter,
noticed they had strange accents so I asked them “ Hi are you 2 girls from Scotland?”
One of them then screamed at me “its Wales you idiot, Wales!!”

So I immediately apologized and said “ are you 2 whales from Scotland?”

[Kaupy1962]

HE HE HE. Good one

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