The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[2wheelsagain]

I always get a laugh when I see them Peter

[paul]

@Re-Cycled

[Boatz]

Those may be recycled but still get a laugh

[paul]

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

[paul]

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course..

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there.. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball, then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies, "I consider myself a gentleman, and I believe every prick should have two balls."

[paul]

A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, '’I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said, 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber – THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead
of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she
just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the
prick who ran over my FROG!'

[paul]

The Polish Divorce




A Polish man moved to .Australia and married an .Aussie girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
But,one day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.


Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say:
~~~Polish Remover~~~

[paul]

Couple sex



An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather,
who was working in the yard and asked him,
"Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask

such a question, but decided that if she's old enough
to know to ask the question, then she's old enough
to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about
human reproduction and the joys and
responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was
looking at him with her mouth hanging open,
eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather
asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that
dinner will be ready in just a couple secs

[Re-Cycled]

You enjoy this thread waaay too much Paul!

[paul]

Been thinking of renaming it

[Baz]

frame that one and hang it up somewhere!

[madmax]

[paul]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words..............
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show.
Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

[paul]

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself and asks,
"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," Maxine replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

[paul]

LITTLE JOHNNY

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "I used the Gillard approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth

[paul]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
>
> As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have
> boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
>
> She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
>
> The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to
> tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
>
> She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
>
> Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
>
> Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
>
> 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
> talks, the dumber he gets.'

[paul]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

[paul]

How to Offend Everyone


I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little brat kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in
the back yard, so I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils !


Can you spare just $5.00 ?
Ranjitu is a 9yr old boy living in Zambia.
He has only 1
leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to
school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and
only 1 pedal..
If you send us just $5.00, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "Good morning you ugly prick."
It's not yours is it?

I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.

Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm rather worried now that some of my buddies could be black.
If you are, can you delete my e-mail address ?

There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the
market:
Trycoxagain.

In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, it's Africa.

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Aboriginals and their cousins is not the correct answer.

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of
us on Valentine's Night.
Problem was she not interested in Snooker & Darts.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Bondi,
but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can justifiably say lots of bad
things about paedophiles,
but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a
moustache

[Thof]

Thank you Paul, any chance of a book... fuggin magbrilextaful!

[paul]

Thank you Paul, any chance of a book... fuggin magbrilextaful!

I think I might get writers cramp LOL ( I have quite a few mates who also have a warped sense of humor & send me this stuff & vice versa )

[paul]

Two Dwarfs go to a bar.

Two Dwarfs, Max and Jim, go into a bar, where they pick up two '
Working Girls ' and take them to separate hotel rooms for an hour of
pleasure.
Max, the first Dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting out..."Here I come again! ONE, TWO,
THREE....UGH!"
"Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH! " "Here I come again!
ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! "
This goes on for the whole HOUR. Later back at the bar, Jim, the
second Dwarf, asks the Max, "How did it go?"
Max mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.
The second Dwarf shook his head and said, "You think that's embarrassing?
I couldn't even get on the bed.! "

[paul]

OLD PEOPLE JOKES


ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."


Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds
her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in
my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,

"How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________

SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."


She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."


He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

[paul]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:


'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'



One Irish passenger yelled...

'For Fuck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

[paul]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

[boomer]

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