The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Subject: Fw: The Fence

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk .Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that Money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really ticked me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'OK buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes. '"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."

[paul]

sharing of marriage...

The old man
placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a
drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully
cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the
French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one
pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his
wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his
few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and
whispering.
Obviously they were thinking,
'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of
them.'
As the man began to eat his fries
a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the
old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing
everything
People closer to the table noticed
the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her
husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and
begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman
said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished
and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again
came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of
food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


'THE TEETH.'

[paul]

After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame in
Paris, France sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell
ringer was urgently needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and
went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills over a long
period, he decided to call it a day and to continue the interviewing
process the following day. Just then, an armless Frenchman approached
him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's
job.The Bishop was incredulous.

'But, you have no arms, Monsieur !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe me, Excellency !'
And, pushing his way past the Bishop, he began striking the bells with
his ugly face, producing a most beautiful melody on the carillon. The
Bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had found a sensational
replacement for Quasimodo.

But, suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bells again in
encore, the armless Frenchman tripped over a mallet and plunged
headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street far below.

The stunned Bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps
to reach the street. A crowd had by now gathered around the
fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments
before.


As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop sir, who was this man ?'

'I don't know his name,' the Bishop sadly replied........


................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL !'




WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more....

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his
heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the
Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother
of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this
very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me
to replace him in this duty.'

The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but, as the armless
man's brother stooped to pick up a heavy mallet to strike the first
bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died of heart
failure on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of anguish at this second
shocking tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man?' the first monk asked,
breathlessly.

'I don't know his name,' sighed the now distraught Bishop, 'but...'






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

[Ewok1958]

A married women in her 50's looks in the mirror one day and what she sees make sher think her best years are definitely behind her. So she double checks with her husband.

Dear, she says, I thinks I'm ageing badly. My face looks look a trawled crab, my boobs have sagged and are now shapeless, my waist is a roll of fat, my hips are gone and my legs are just stumps.

She says, give me an honest opinion, is it true?

He thinks for a bit and says, Dear, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight.

[paul]

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ... Take it out...." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

[2wheelsagain]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work or the ATO."

[paul]

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'

[Hammy]

Paddy & Mick.

Paddy and Mick are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asks them "what are you doing"?

Paddy replies, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde takes out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosens a few bolts and lays the flagpole down.

She gets a tape measure out of her pocket, takes a few measurements, and announces that it is 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walks off.

Mick says to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We Need the height, and she gives us the fucking length

[madmax]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Australia one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square'

'Done', the elderly woman answered.. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square..

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Australia !'

[madmax]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Geelong fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Geelong fan?" "My mum and dad were born and raised in Geelong, so my mum is a Geelong fan and my dad is a Geelong fan, and so I'm a Geelong fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Geelong fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan”!

[2wheelsagain]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Collingwood and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Collingwood fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,” she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Geelong fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Geelong fan?" "My mum and dad were born and raised in Geelong, so my mum is a Geelong fan and my dad is a Geelong fan, and so I'm a Geelong fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Geelong fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?" "Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Collingwood fan”!

Ouch that hurts. It hurts a lot. Bloody funny though

[Boatz]

Eddie wouldn't like that

[paul]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!'

[Hammy]

An Irish kid, an Italian kid and a black kid, are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie" he says. "Okay". They all agree.

The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing!" says the Italian kid. He whips his out, and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be outdone, the black kid whips his out. It is by far, not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test, and read out loud from a new book, and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie". "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies, and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm black. Is that true? "No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen".

[paul]

JENNY CRAIG ~ FOR MEN



A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe

Dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day - 10kg program.





The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is

The most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.



He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds

A huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31kgs that week. . .

[2wheelsagain]

[paul]

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.
The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old chap'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[Hammy]

[paul]

My wife told me to go to the doctors and

get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back

and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

[paul]

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.



Men Are Just Happier People

[chips]

^^^^^^ so very very very true

[madmax]

[barry_mcki]

A drunk staggers down the street with his car keys in his hand, staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally stopped by a policeman who asks "What's the problem, buddy?".

The drunk replies "Someone stole my car! *hic*".

"Where did you last see it?".

"It was right here on the end of my car key ..." the drunk says.

Sensing a pointless conversation about to start, the policeman suggests that the drunk just catch a taxi and go home.

Turning to leave, he pauses and mentions to the drunk "Did you happen to notice your fly is open?".

Looking down at his fly, the drunk exclaims "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

[paul]

NICKNAMES

? If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

? If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman ...

EATING OUT

? When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

? A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

? A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

? A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

? The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

? A woman has the last word in any argument.

? Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

? A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

? A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

? A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

? A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

? A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

? Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

? Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

? Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

? A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[suzbandit]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.


"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad.
"Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again!


"Okay, it was a porno!" cries the son.
"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.


Mum laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mum.
Awkward silence...

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