The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Kaupy1962]

[Kaupy1962]

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for Collingwood, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

[paul]

I don't know why I was just sacked from my job with Lifeline.

They just wouldn’t talk to me about it.

Here’s what happened ......

A bloke phoned and said, "I'm going to kill myself.

I’m lying on the railway track now waiting for the train to come"!

All I said was .....




"Remain calm and stay on the line" !

[paul]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can youBelieve that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg".



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.



A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went toOur local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can
get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.



I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.



I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked . The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'



On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

[paul]

The Irish wrestler


A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'

The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.


As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.


Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.


The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'


The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'


The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.

[paul]

"4 Worms In Church"
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"




Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

[paul]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[madmax]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[madmax]

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[paul]

[paul]

Mike
Returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Mike asks his
wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make
love.

About 6 hours later, the husband
goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you
know I now have only 18
hours to live.

Could we please do it one more
time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he
looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's shoulder and
asks, 'Honey, please... just one
more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,'
and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over
and falls asleep.
Mike, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and
says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[paul]

This was written by a black gentleman in

Texas and is so funny. What a great sense

of humour...And creative!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So why y'all be callin' us
COLORED Folks?

[paul]

THE OLDER WOMAN

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she Probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.








She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' ..........

[paul]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper office,
loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday.
The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..
..."Well, shit, that explains why no one was at church either.

[paul]

The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no
hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

[paul]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
The Titanic's swimming pool was still full...............

[paul]

Last night I was talking to a young good looking woman , and she asked if I prefer legs or breasts .
I said what I really like is a shaved snatch .
I was told never to set foot in KFC again .

[paul]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.





As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"





So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

[paul]

EIGHT THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

Number 8

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 7

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 6

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


- - - and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."

[paul]

A drunk from Crinkle Cove, Newfoundland walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A Mountie on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the Newfie replies.

The Mountie asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the Newfie replies.

About that time the Mountie looks down and sees the man's willy hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk Newfie looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! Me girlfriend's gone, too!!

[paul]

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so they can see their own doctor.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I was sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69

.
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I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lotto!
I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

[paul]

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 100 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 130 then 150mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."

The old man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

[paul]

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

[madmax]

A guy in England has designed a land mine that looks like a prayer mat and selling them in Afghanistan.
Prophets are going thru the roof ..........

[Re-Cycled]

A friend of mine sent this collection by Email, looking at the other posts, I thought some of you deserved this.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

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