The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[F]

Bloke was sent to jail --"very scarey non stop sexual violence" "did think the old man would take his monopoley so seriously"

[paul]

Subject: Socrates


Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

[paul]

Another great day!

Been to the gym, then had a nice shower.

I've just picked up a bottle of home brew from one of the neighbours for this afternoon.

I've got a few joints rolled up for the XBox tournament with the lads.

After that I'll muck around online with some porn and gambling sites.

Then to finish off the perfect day, it's a nice blow job before I go to bed.

Fuck, I love prison!

[madmax]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again
"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."

[truck]

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Victoria, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Victoria, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Victoria?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

[paul]

My new Thai girlfriend says that a small penis shouldn't be an issue in a strong and loving relationship.
Which I suppose is true, but I still wish she didn't have one.

[paul]

DO YOU NEED CHEERING UP ?

Well, here's a great idea!



Watch your wedding video backwards.

The night starts with you getting a root ...

Then you have a great time, good food & drink and sober up without a hangover ...

You'll love the end bit where you take the ring off, go back down the aisle, jump in the car & fuck off with your mates.
.

[Kaupy1962]

> RETIRED HUSBAND
>
> After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Target.
>
> Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
> get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
> loves to browse.
>
> Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
> Target:
>
> Dear Mrs. Harris ,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
> our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
> of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are
> listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
>
> 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
> people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
> women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
> voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
> employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
> Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management
> to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms
> on lay-by.
>
> 6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
> children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
> blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
> crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> called.
>
> 9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
> a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
> asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
>
> 11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
> humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
> by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
> through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
> assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
> 15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is
> the fitting room?
>
> And last, but not least:
>
> 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
> awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
>
> One of the clerks passed out.

[paul]

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole

Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet

Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact

Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine

Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle

Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the
floor

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in
search of sexual activity

Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater
crustaceans

Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average
when it comes to handling himself in the scrub

Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep

[Hammy]

Q: Why do Dingos drive Massey Ferguson tractors ?



A: Cause the're sick n tired of the " Chamberlains "

[madmax]

The Queen and Julia Gillard are on the same stage at C.H.O.G.M. in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Ms. Gillard and said,

"Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gillard arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!"

So the Queen backhanded her.

[2wheelsagain]

This isnt a political statement. I just thought it was funny.

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the footpath in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big white cars pulled up beside her.
Out of the lead car stepped a red-headed, grinning lady.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Prime Minister Julia Gillard.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Gillard.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Labor supporters," answered Suzy with a smile.

Gillard was delighted. As soon as she returned to her car, she called her PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two of them agreed that the Prime Minister should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up,
this time followed by vans from ABC, SBS, Sky News, Channel 7, Channel 9 and Channel 10. Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Gillard got out of her limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," she said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes ma'am," Suzy said. "They're Liberal/National supporters."

Taken by surprise, the Prime Minister stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were LABOR SUPPORTERS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."

[paul]

AN IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.


John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn???t on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying??? and wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....


'Look Paddy.....there's that fooking eegit that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

[paul]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.







'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[truck]

Men Are Just Happier People-

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President.
You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[paul]

In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied..


A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

[paul]

Mother in law

A mother in law said to her son's wife, her daughter-in-law, when the baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son…. "

The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either….. but this is a fanny…. not a fucking photo-copier…"

[paul]

The Irish Bic Lighter

Paddy and Sean were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Paddy pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Sean for a light.

'Ya, shure, I haff a lighter,' Sean said with an Irish accent, before reaching into his tackle box & pulling

out a Bic lighter, 10 inches long.



'My God, man!' exclaimed Paddy,taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Sean, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Paddy asked.

'Ya, shure. He’s right here in my tackle Box,' says Sean.

'Could I see him?'

Sean opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, Paddy says: 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of Your master. Will you grant me One wish?'

'Yes, I will.' says the Genie.

So Paddy asks the Genie for a Million bucks.

The Genie disappears Back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million Bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks ..... flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks Paddy yells at Sean: 'What the hell? I asked for a million Bucks, not a million ducks!'

Sean answers: 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

[paul]

The Parking Officer's Funeral

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral
a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead! Let me out!!!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:
"Too late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

[paul]

RETIREMENT BONUS


The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Warrant Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my dick to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Warrant Officer insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Warrant Officer to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Warrant Officer 's dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''

The old Warrant Officer calmly replied, '' In Vietnam ''.

[2wheelsagain]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
Yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he bondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's pen*s. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my pen*s in the right place, it can give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[madmax]

Earthquake hit Moe about 9pm 19 June 2012.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly in flannies and woollen
... trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Earthquake devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Herald Sun reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Smith St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Skye-Smith, a
15-year-old mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest
two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from
Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue
jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots,
hoodies and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject
Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
Beans, Ice cream, Sarah Lee Frozen Cheesecakes, Chips, all Fizzy drinks,
Wagon Wheels, Tim Tams, Coco Pops and Fruit Loops. No Diet Coke!

Donations of $ 25.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and
a lighter and cans of Jim Bean to calm the nerves of those affected.

GIVE GENEROUSLY !!

[paul]

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rig

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story !

[grahame]

[paul]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

[Sponsored content]