The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

[Hammy]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[paul]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'

[paul]

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers
on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime
Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die."
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped
The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth
passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life,
and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my
life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a
parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took
my schoolbag!”

[paul]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That’s okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

[paul]

This ones for the female members & those who swing the other way ! ( Don`t read if your male & easily offended )

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like .. Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .. Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.

[paul]

: Tools Explained




DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh-!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favourite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you find this informative.

[paul]

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....






NO, The duck didn't say THAT !


... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....


'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

[paul]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night......... Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee....

[madmax]

An aeroplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers
on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime
Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die."
She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped
The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth
passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life,
and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my
life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a
parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took
my schoolbag!”

We could only wish

[madmax]

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
...
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today.
No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned
car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30 - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots
of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but
I love it here. It's Paradise !

October 10 - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy
though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than we
expected.

October 15 - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over
60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20 - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I
left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work,
Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fucking blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from fucking Perth ......The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30 - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't
arrived for the fucking air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been
sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we
can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500
and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes
it feel about 35. Stupid repairman. Fucking thief.

November 8 - If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm
going to fucking throttle him. Fucking heat! By the time I get to work, the
car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and
I smell like baked cat. Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9 - Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my fucking arse was on
fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off
my fucking arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked
cat.
Fuck. Fuck.. Fuck.

November 10 -- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording.. Hot
and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Fuck!

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and
blow into the fucking pool. The only things that thrive in this fucking
hell-hole are the fucking flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of
swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20 - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the
air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking
arse. Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of
jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to
live here!

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!! You are fucking kidding me

[chips]

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia .

Been there for work and loved every minute of it....

[paul]

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE ALL HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'


'Not yet,' she replied.

[whitey1]

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Karratha , Western Australia .

Been there for work and loved every minute of it....

I can totally relate to that. We're living and working in Kununurra at the moment and the wet season hasn't arrived yet to give us any respite from the heat. Clouds build up and rumble and keep going past. 40 degrees most days and humid. RAIN GOD DAMMIT!!! PLEASE....

[paul]

A Bunnings Story !
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer,
Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?
The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

[2wheelsagain]

[paul]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will
fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to
do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened
fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and
blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess
about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused
his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the
older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near
killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder
twice and then stick it in his ear.'

[paul]

Old Guy Joke of the Year

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my mate:

"That's us in 10 years".

He said

"That's a mirror, dip-shit!

[paul]

Aboriginal Wedding Night

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said,

"I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".

"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.


"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee" the mother says ....


The daughter replies :--


"Why would he want to put his thongs in the sink ?"

[paul]

The Alternative Version of Creation

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning,
sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer

and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..


On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans ,chops, sausages,
steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to make use of all these wondrous creations - go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.


On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

[2wheelsagain]

Two blond guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick

[paul]

A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then having completed that successfully, she said that he now
should have a password that he would easily remember, so that he would be able to use his computer when it asked
him his password.
Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis", as he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

The computer responded: "Too Short, entry refused"

[paul]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[paul]

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[potatomasher]

CAN YOU settle an argument? My wife says I'm a drunken bastard for coming home at 3 in the morning and pissing in the wardrobe. I say she's a lazy cow who never makes any effort to look nice, and if she gave me a bit now and then I wouldn't have to go looking for it elsewhere. Who is correct?

I WONDER if any of you could advise me on a matter of etiquette. My girlfriend was giving me a blowjob the other day, when I noticed a small creature, obviously a nit, crawling through her hair. I'm not sure whether or not I should tell her. I don't want to risk hurting her feelings as she is my wife's best friend.

THEY SAY that honesty is the best policy. Well the other day I told a motor cyclist in the pub that his girlfriend was boot ugly, which was the truth. In reward for my honesty I got a broken nose, lost eight teeth, and have suffered blackouts ever since.

WHAT A lot of nonsense this tantric sex is. So Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. That's nothing. I've been banging my missus for forty years and she's not had an orgasm yet.

THERE IS something wrong with my new girlfriend. Each time I try and stick my cock in her mouth, she turns her head to put it in her ear. Do you think it's a fetish?

I HAD TO laugh when I heard a young boy talking to his mother in the zoo the other day. I'm a hyena.

MY GRANDAD was the best drummer who ever lived, despite only having biscuit tins for a drum kit and two rolling pins for sticks. Although he had a poor sense of timing and rhythm, he compensated with a heavy handed playing style and practised enthusiastically for 18 hours a day. My Nan didn't appreciate his skills, however, and after 50 years of pounding, she stabbed him in the throat in 1985.

NOW I'VE been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems to be okay when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will honestly never understand women.

[Sponsored content]