The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'




Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'






An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'




Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[paul]

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked,

"How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes.

Who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf.

It's good to see you here today.

Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived the bastards."

[paul]

Walking on water - an Irish legend!





Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water

on their 18th birthday.On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the

lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lakelike my father, his

father, and his father before him?"


Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said,
"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit"

[paul]

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini
skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
she couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.
"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[paul]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.



One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"

Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"



Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."

[paul]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE


A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[Kaupy1962]

Payback's a bitch

[paul]

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a
WestAfrican bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on
the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis
to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wifelooked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight
procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to hispenis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little
tribalexperiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black.

[paul]

Irish vs The French!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.



'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[paul]

Two brooms ( get ready to groan ! )


Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,
'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

[Hammy]

Glad to see that you have "cleaned up" your jokes Paul.

[paul]

Glad to see that you have "cleaned up" your jokes Paul.

I wasn`t sure if you`d "get" the clean family version ones

[grahame]

Has anyone heard of the oomedoodle bird?? He has no legs and when he lands he says " oomedoodle oomedoodle"

[paul]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside of the ladies dressing room waiting for his mum to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. "Get your hand out of there!"



She shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.



For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.


One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."



“What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.


"Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"



"Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.


"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there."


"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."


The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[paul]

Johnny got kicked out of math class again.
The Teacher asked him what comes after 69...
Apparently 'mouthwash' was the wrong answer!

[paul]

New Knickers


A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs.... Enough times till her husband says, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”

“Y-e-s,” she answers with a seductive smile.

“Thank God... I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

[kewwig]

I laughed till I cried: http://tinyurl.com/6rs2upg

[Kaupy1962]

Pissed myself laughing!

[paul]

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .


The audience went crazy! No way could the old abo top that,they
Thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and Timbuktu.

The aboriginal won !!!

[Hammy]

George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words...
"Stavros" he said faintly "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don't call me 'George the Bridge Builder.'" "You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don't call me 'George the Hospital Builder.'"
"And the only church in town... I built that too, and they don't call me 'George the Church Builder,' but you get caught fucking just one goat..."

[Hammy]

A little old lady goes to the dentist. She walks in to the office, sits down, drops her panties, and lifts legs. Rather flustered the dentist says "I'm sorry madam, I'm not a gynaecologist!" She says "I know you're not, I just need my husband's teeth back!"

[paul]

Little Old Dear in Court



Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[paul]

Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."

[paul]

Jack, age 92, and Jill, age 89, living in Nelson, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[F]

18-03-2012, OBSCENE PHONE CALL

Phone rings, woman answers.

Heavy breather, "I bet you have a tight cunt with no hair?"

Woman, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?
.



Trevor feared his wife Joylene wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Joylene, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Joylene, what's for dinner?'


(I just love subtlety of this reply)

'For crying out loud, Trevor, for the FIFTH time, it’s CHICKEN!'
Paddy & Mick swap sandwiches at work....
Paddy spits it out & says "wot the hell was on that?"
Mick replies "Crab Paste."
Paddy says "where did u getthat?"
Mick replies"I saw it on offer when I was in the chemist

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