The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me
if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me
if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was
Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was
Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"


The assistant replied, "Because you're in Dick Smiths"

[paul]

The old stationhand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.


The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...


Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."


"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.

He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.

As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"

The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wonderingwhat this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."



"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog."

[paul]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.
Best call was from the guy who called his wife 'Harvey Norman .....'
Why? ......
No interest for 48 months

[paul]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!t!!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne,too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[paul]

An 80-year-old Saskatchewan farmer goes to the clinic in to Saskatoon for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm from Sask and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that,
I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says the old Sask boy. 'In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Saskatchewan
farmer and he's a hunter and fisherman too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Grandpa's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's' still alive?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?'

'No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?'

[Hammy]

I like that one Paul.

[2wheelsagain]

Olof Svensen, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.


...As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said:
"How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancé, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."


The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your Villy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.


Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth . That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.


Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ..... Still in DA CRATE."

[madmax]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I...'ve come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me.. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs..Smith fainted.

[paul]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker's corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight b*st*rd,!"

[paul]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You`ve got male.

[paul]

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

[paul]

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of
golf.
One got transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.


A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about
their golf round.. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"


The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say
'yes',but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay,
but they would be starting early -- at 6:30 a.m. He figured the early tee-
time would discourage her.

The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to
15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and
said,"Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and, playing right-handed, beat all three
of them with an eye-opening two-under-par round. She was fun and a
pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they
congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and
said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."


The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them
with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were totally
amazed.


They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't
seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each
man harboured a burning desire to beat her.


The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she
was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady again
played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them. The men mused that
her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she
was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold
a grudge.


Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This
woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and
finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if
you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad
taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back
and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband
always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right
before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off
him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if
it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."


The guys thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre
information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing
straight up?"



She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[paul]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Baz]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love to her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the dishes!!!

[paul]

THE OLD RANCHER

The banker saw his old friend Dan, an eighty-year old farmer, in town.
Dan had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was
marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Dan if the rumour was true.

Dan assured him that it was. The banker then asked Dan the age of his
new bride to be.

Dan proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker
tactfully suggested that Dan should consider getting a hired hand to help
him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course.

Dan thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that
afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Dan in town again.

'How's the new wife?' asked the banker.

Dan proudly said, 'Good---she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And
how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Dan said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever ever ever underestimate old Guys.

[paul]

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that."

[paul]

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.




It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed parked into a narrow parking space, in the dark, with no problem, I thought.....just a fuckin' minute!

[paul]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband.

For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to pour herself a stiff drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling" he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?”

[paul]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,"Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[paul]

A small boy got lost at a shopping centre, so he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

"The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gin and tonic and women with big tits."

[F]

A BLOKE SITS IN HIS ARMCHAIR & SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"




SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "

[BanditDave]

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the Conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right... I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

[madmax]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

[boomer]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely f***ed now."

[Hammy]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:
"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:
"Computer completely f***ed now."

I like that one.

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