The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

A  London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is
certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the  Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says,         " Licence and registration, please."

London Lawyer says,     "What for?"

Glasgow cop says,        "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says,    "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says,        "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"  

London Lawyer says,   "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says,       "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law,
Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says,   "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop,
I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and
don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow cop says,       "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. 

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living daylights out of the
lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"

[BanditDave]

I visited the local rural supply shop this morning to buy some chook poo and some bones for my dogs.

On the counter for sale were horse diaries.

I said to the girl behind the counter that I didn't know horses were that smart, with the exception of Mr Ed of course.

I don't think she was old enough to have heard of Mr Ed and she gave me such a strange look

[paul]

I visited the local rural supply shop this morning to buy some chook poo and some bones for my dogs.

On the counter for sale were horse diaries.

I said to the girl behind the counter that I didn't know horses were that smart, with the exception of Mr Ed of course.

I don't think she was old enough to have heard of Mr Ed and she gave me such a strange look

     one of the problems of getting older , is realizing your that old bloke who remembers all this stuff the newer generation knows nothing about   

[paul]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k." Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "W" by "V". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[paul]

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the facilities. The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time he got down and back he’d lose a half hour of time.

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee off. He told the man that they were 30 floors up and that his piss would turn into vapor before it reached the bottom. So the guy decided to take his advice.

Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he jumped off the board to get it, allowing the peeing man to fall to his death!

At the inquest an electrician who was working on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what happened. "Not really, but I think it had something to do with sex."

The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had something to do with sex?"

The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling with his cock in his hand screaming, ‘Where did that cocksucker go!’ "

[paul]

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry

waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[paul]

One day while walking through the Garden of Eden, Adam looked up to the Heavens and spoke to God. "Father this place is great, but there is one thing missing".

"What is that my son", God answered.

"Well it would be nice to have a mate, I'm awfully lonely down here and all the other animal have mates but me. All I'm asking for is a creature more beautiful than the Garden, one who has a sex drive like mine, never has a headache and one who will cook, clean and be at my beckon call morning, noon and night." said Adam.

"Wow that's a tall order, but I have just such a creature in mind, but it's going to cost you". said God.

"Oh yeah, how much?" said Adam

"An arm and a leg." replied God.

Adam thought this over for quite some time and then asked "Well, what can I get for a rib?"

[paul]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the
door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the
phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the
phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your
saxophone last night!"

[paul]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, “What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, “What would you like, sir?” Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, “Um, Pal, I think it’s pronounced ‘quiche’.”

[paul]

The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock?

All the men stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?’

All the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’ t belong to them?’

Half the women stood up.

‘No, no,’ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?’

Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up

[paul]

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!

[paul]

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

[paul]

A drunk with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for a position as manager of a winery. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.

He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass: "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Correct."

A third glass: ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."


 

[paul]

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and  distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
 
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press the start button to re-start the line.  As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
 
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks the number was zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
 
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
 
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."
 
Twenty bucks vs eight million....!
 

[Jimmy the Boy]

Heres one for Hammy. A man comes home carrying a duck under one arm, walks into the kitchen and says, " check out the pig Ive been rooting " his wife says, " Thats not a pig, its a duck! " Man replies, " I wasn't talking to you ".

[Hammy]

Heres one for Hammy. A man comes home carrying a duck under one arm, walks into the kitchen and says, " check out the pig Ive been rooting " his wife says, " Thats not a pig, its a duck! " Man replies, " I wasn't talking to you ".

Jimmy has left the building.

[madmax]

Heres one for Hammy. A man comes home carrying a duck under one arm, walks into the kitchen and says, " check out the pig Ive been rooting " his wife says, " Thats not a pig, its a duck! " Man replies, " I wasn't talking to you ".

Jimmy has left the building.

 

[madmax]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?"

"A hundred dollars."

"Damn. All I've got is thirty."

"Hold on," she says and runs back to Harry. "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"A handjob," Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit.

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[paul]

 

[paul]

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''

[paul]

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologised 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity..

[paul]

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'     

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin. clerk..   'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'  Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.'  Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say. 

[paul]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.  Ralph andEdna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly  jumped into the deep end.


He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.


Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottomand pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.


When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love...  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'


Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

[Jimmy the Boy]

 

[madmax]

One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."

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