The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[2wheelsagain]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an NRMA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick , I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well , she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead , until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' , who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours , believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh , I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya
thick sod!"

19 paddies go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies , "The film said 18 or over."

[Re-Cycled]

Good to see they haven't down-sized your sense of humour.

[paul]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.


All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!


He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening.. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.


The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer.


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the
huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this
cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some
really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might


'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'


With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.


The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read................



NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[paul]

My Surgery



When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown
fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems
dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could
be fixed through corrective Surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[Hammy]

[quote="paul"]My Surgery



When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown
fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems
dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could
be fixed through corrective Surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?[/quote

True story Paul ?

[Re-Cycled]

[quote="Hammy"]

My Surgery



When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown
fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems
dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could
be fixed through corrective Surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?[/quote

True story Paul ?

Then he said " You're going to have to ride a Bandit just to move that thing - but whatever you do dont get an after market muffler!"

[paul]

[quote="Hammy"]

My Surgery



When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife.
But... After several weeks, my penis had grown
fifty centimeters.
I Became quite concerned. I was having problems
dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could
be fixed through corrective Surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?[/quote

True story Paul ?

I wish..............LOL

[Jimmy the Boy]

A woman had been on the game for about 4 years and she was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband that she'd caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with his beautiful new wife he asked, " How far did you get across the paddock before you realised it was caught??? "

[madmax]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no
need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain
and as it was still early decided go to the party. As her husband didn't
know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by
watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His
wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go
as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After
more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight she
slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked
what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have
a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad. Apparently he had the time of his life."

[madmax]

How to deal with Shark attacks...

1. Don't swim in the sea.

More than 99% of shark attacks happen in large water masses - also
known as oceans. An easy way to tell if you are in an ocean is to taste
the water - it will taste like salt

2. Swim alongside Fat People.
Make sure that there are always fat people in the water with you. Odds
are that you can swim faster than them - increasing your chances of
escape.

3. Sunblock.
Replace the sunblock of the person next to you with BBQ rib sauce

4. Don't go in the water without a knife.
As soon as you spot a shark - furiously stab the person next to you.
As soon as he is bleeding profusely - swim away as fast as you can

5. Listen carefully!
Every shark has a theme song. If you hear the following - swim for your life : da-dam. da-dam. da-dam
If it is fast like : dadam, dadam, dadam - give up - you are already screwed.

6. Don't panic.
Stay calm if a shark has got you. At this late stage you are screwed in any case - survival is not an option..
The people on the beach do not appreciate someone screaming &
shouting like a lunatic - it just isn't pleasant - think of the children
dammit !

[madmax]

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are
charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You bastard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter
to death with a spanner.'
Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fucking
bastard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room,
and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this
crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I
shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'
Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifty
years I've lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to
borrow a fucking spanner, he said he didn't have one!

[paul]

Car
language

A daughter asked
her dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't
understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, 2 lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper."

Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens
your bonnet and pulls out his dipstick to check the oil, I will give him such a
service that his motor will cease and his exhaust will fall off."

[stevemcc]

Always wear underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the local paper comes this story of a Brisbane couple who Drove their car to ALDI, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis.

Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, She dutifully stepped forward and quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The R.A.C.Q. mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[paul]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. > > Inside, he finds couple in bed. > He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. > While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, > kisses her neck, Then gets up & goes into the bathroom. > > While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: > 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably > spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he > kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what > ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy > is obviously very dangerous. > If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. > Be strong, honey. I love you!' > > His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. > He was whispering in my ear. > He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. > Be strong honey. I love you too.'

<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td width="100%"> </td></tr></table>

[paul]

MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED

"Late
again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little
Ranger.
"It
ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The
reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now,
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her
mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by that. Full of grins and
mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Ranger and trouble were old
friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You
see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few
nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the
chicken pen, he grabbed his double barrelled shotgun and said to my Ma, "That
fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!'' "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all
us kids!
"My
Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house
he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that
double-barrelled 12-gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. As he stared
into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone
and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb
helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss
Russell, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this
mornin!"

[paul]

OK LETS OFFEND EVERYONE

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there said “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him “I wish I had your will power.”

I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said “Sorry about the wait.”
I said “Don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.”

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said “Any change?”
I said “No, you're still black.”

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him, “What's wrong?”
The boy says “Me ma is dead.”
“Oh bejaysus,” the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?”
The boy replies, “No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast
shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman
with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you
could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself
....... I'm going to have that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him “Where am I?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me, you're in that basket up there."

I had a Trivia competition in the bag until the very last question ....... which I got wrong.
The question was ‘Where do women have the curliest hair?’ Apparently the correct answer was Fiji .

A woman has a medical with the Doctor.
“You are grossly overweight” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaimed.
”OK - you're bloody ugly as well.”

[paul]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'


'It's a fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'He needs a place
to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'


The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to
the barn,! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was
askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to
bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she
broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she
cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'


'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'


The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....




'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[paul]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them
looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicorette patch on
it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to
put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one
replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'

[madmax]

From: Justin
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David
Subject: Lamp


I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples property and
take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded area and I
installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I can't help it
if some of the light goes across the road, close your curtains if it
bothers you.

From: David
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin
Subject: Re: Lamp

Hello Justin,

Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the
key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be
constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my
curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing
sunglasses. Under a blanket.

Though unconvinced that blinding
local fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need
for security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of
Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I
am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first
raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the
raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating
the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me.
Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the
door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to
appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably
during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a
thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably
isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m
not Jack London.

I did see a snake the other day though. I
picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake.
Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I
was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.

As such, this weekend I intend to set up a canister of poisonous gas in
my yard with an industrial fan behind it. I can't help it if some of
the gas goes across the road.

Regards, David.

From: Justin
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp

Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if you
don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved into
the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at your
property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our mower. We
get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people do in
your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples
property and touch their stuff.

From: David
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter
chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact
that practically every living creature there can kill you in under
three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.

I'm
not surprised you get along well with all the other neighbours. If you
put fifty children with Down's syndrome in a room there is going to be a
lot of hugging.

And no, it was not a threat. It was an
exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to
make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan
of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes
me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to
help.

I did consider installing a floodlight as bright as
yours, but this would require some form of carrying things, electrical
wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of producing that
amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by my partner for
wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom overnight, I can
only speculate to what her reaction would be to an electricity bill
eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden lighting. She would
probably have to get a third job.

It would be much cheaper to
stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I can't help it if some of the
rocks go across the road. You should probably put something up in your
window.

Regards, David.

From: Justin
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Did you take our lamp again asshole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?

From: David
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

No, I did not take the light again. I relocated it again. Its current
location may be discovered by deciphering the following set of clues to
its whereabouts. Perhaps you could invite your friend Ryan over and
treat it as a kind of treasure hunt:

1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.

As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:

What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?

Regards, David.

From: Justin
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the f0ck up now. Don't email me
again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will press
charges.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?

Regards, David.

From: Justin
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

No it's not ok.

From: David
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

Dear Justin,

What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over
for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be
bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.

Regards, David.

From: Justin
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp

F*ck off back to Austria.

[barry_mcki]

Love David's work. This was almost as good as the seven leg spider.....

[paul]

BRITISH ALQAEDA TO GO ON STRIKE...






Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to
begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of
virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al
Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent
shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike
action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members
are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very
unfair."

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton , where
he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We
sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or
laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves
up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex and
Glasgow stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins
in these areas anyway.

Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely
put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so
keen on going to paradise.

[paul]

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who
lived in a villa on the golf course we were living at in Lakeland,
heard the noise and called out,

“Are you okay, what's your name?

"It’s Bob , and I’m OK thanks," I replied.

"Bob , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered,”but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth, insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, I
thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going
to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!” Elizabeth said with a smile, “She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!" I said....

[paul]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.

When
the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry
sir, but you're only allowed one seat."


The old man just groaned
but didn't budge.


The usher became more impatient.

"Sir,
if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."


Once again, the old man just groaned.


The
usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the
manager.


Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
dishevelled man, but
with no success.


Finally they summoned the
police.


The officer surveyed the situation briefly then
asked,


"All right sir what's your name?"


"Fred, says
the old man and moaned yet once again.


"Where you from, Fred?"
asked the police officer.


With terrible moan, and without moving a
muscle,

Fred replied, "The balcony."

[paul]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.So theyloaded upJack'sminivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terribleblizzard.


They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady whoanswered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house alltomyself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid theneighborswill talk if I letyou stay inmyhouse.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'llbe
happy to sleepin the barn, and if theweather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light.'Thelady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barnandsettled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared,andthey got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend ofskiing.

But about nine monthslater, Jack got anunexpectedletter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutestofigure it out, but he finally determined that itwas from the attorney ofthat attractive widow he had meton the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bobandasked,'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm westayed at on our ski holiday up
north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'Ihave to admit thatIdid.'

'And did you happen to give her my nameinsteadof telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'mafraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'

[Ewok1958]

There was a young man from Kent
He had a dick that was bent
To get over the trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

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