The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[madmax]

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?"

"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed,
"At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech.
At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.
Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"........

[paul]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,

when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;

The Prick goes underneath the horse, not on top'!!!

[paul]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....
"Clean my house."

[paul]

Irish Math Test

A Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

[madmax]

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine!
What ever are we going to do???”

“Well,” replied the man, “I guess a spanking is out of the question .......

[paul]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,


'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

[chips]

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong ? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless enquired,


'An, ID ten T error ? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'


Eric grinned....
'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before ?


'No,' I replied.


'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard

I like Eric. Being in IT in the past I can totally appreciate where he is coming from.

On the other hand, one day you will see him drive his first car/bike, and something will go wrong, and then you can get the little bastard back :-)

[Hammy]

NEWS JUST IN.....

Molly Meldrum did NOT fall from a ladder whilst putting up Xmas decorations as first reported. He was PUSHED from behind by a Fairy !

[paul]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast


He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.
But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...
So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!

[paul]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
Requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the ATM.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off..

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ..

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
Holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and drive off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release Hand Brake.

[paul]

Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Stanley ," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley ?"

"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, yes that's right: it's question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of Congress?

Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

[Hammy]

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet
parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door,
the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just
going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[madmax]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this fast drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

[madmax]

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

[Hammy]

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!!

[2wheelsagain]

Bloody funny

[paul]

[paul]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon,
suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: “Where the hell are you?”
Husband: “Darling you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and
totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.”
Wife, with a smile blushing: “Yes, I remember that my Love.”
Husband: “Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop.”

[Hammy]

This eight-year-old girl goes into Santa's grotto. She sits on his lap and Father Christmas says "Hello little girl, what do you want for Christmas, my dear?" The little girl says, "Some of my older friends at school have got some hair between their legs, and I would like some there too!" Santa says "Will a little white beard be okay?"
--
I saw a girl walking down the street that I fucked years ago so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered "Guess who... I took your virginity..." She said "Dad?" "Dad!?" I replied staggering back in disgust. "You lost your virginity to your dad?" She turned round and said "Oh... it's you... I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my..". "I don't want to hear it!" I interrupted "Fuck you and your dad!" As I walked off, I turned round and shouted "Tell him Uncle Tony won't be coming round this Christmas".
--
A friend of mine just bought a new Xmas tree. Thinking she might need help, I asked her if she was going to put it up herself? "No" she replied "I thought it would look nice in the corner of the living room".
--
I worked in a record shop when I was at school and a woman came in and asked "Have you got Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" I said "No but I've got two dangling balls on a 7 inch". She asked "Is that a record?" I said "I think so... I'm only 13".
--
I just got a job directing a local play. I thought it was a bit dull so I thought I would liven it up a bit by including a nude lesbian shower scene. The School Board people weren't impressed - said it ruined the Nativity.
--
Dear Santa, Last year I asked for a thin body and a fat pay cheque. Please don't get them confused again this year.
--
I said to the wife "Hey fat cunt what do you want for Christmas?" She said "Don't get fucking lippy!" "Fair enough" I said "Mascara it is then..."
--
I LOVE Christmas lights, they remind me of immigrants. They all hang together, half of the fuckers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.
--
Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year". Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th".
--
I got a Christmas card from my solicitors today. It wished me, but in no way guaranteed me, a Happy Christmas.
--
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capital. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[paul]

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[paul]

STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.

While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, 'I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know. ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist''
The second guy says, 'I'm a D.I.N..K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet.'
The third guy says, 'I'm a R.U.B., you know. ''Rich, Urban, Biker.'
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?''
She replies: 'I'm a WIFE, you know. 'Wash, Iron, Fuck and Entertain.''

[paul]

who has a dirty mind ?

http://www.zanylol.com/length.html

[paul]

Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.
He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad:
'Hey Granddad, the bull is fucking the cow'.
Granddad informs Johnny that he won't tolerate this sort of playground
language on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him
about
such things he should say something like 'Granddad the bull is
surprising
the cow.'
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm.
Once again he comes racing in and yells:
'Granddad the bull is surprising the cows.'
Granddad says to Johnny:
'I'm pleased to hear that after my conversation with you a few weeks
ago you
have cleaned up your language.
However, your grammar is not quite correct.
It is not 'the bull is surprising the cows'.
It is 'the bull is surprising the cow'.
The bull can only surprise one cow at a time'.
Johnny replies:
'No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he's fucking
the horse!'

[paul]

Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[paul]

What do you call a bloke with 3 rabbits in his arse?

Warren!

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