The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

Well, I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what
Steps would you take?"

"F#ckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer

[paul]

This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!











.

[paul]

I was in a restaurant the other day and realized I desperately wanted to fart .
The music was quite loud so I timed my farts in time with the music .
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee looked around and realized everyone was staring at me .
Then suddenly I remembered I was listening to my ipod .
How was your day ?

[paul]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'don’t start that bullshit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[paul]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin she
met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
to blow out yer fookin' candle!'

[paul]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young
lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,


'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[paul]

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey, Oprah asked,'

Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working; at your age I think it's remarkable.'

Mr. Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?

'

So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I don't believe I've ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time."

Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time.

At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George said that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my love member in your right hand and wake me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.'

[paul]

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great ?!? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems. J

[paul]

THE WOMAN POEM:



Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks..
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh, send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.




THE MAN POEM:



I pray for a deaf-mute gymnastic nymphomaniac
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

[paul]

Sixty's Hits Are Being Revised…..
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo” as if it were yesterday. Seems as though I know them all!
They include:

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face?

?Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[paul]

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Michigan opener when
Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches,
He asked Ole for a light.

'Yeah, sure, I think I have a lighter,'
He replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.


'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where did you get this monster??'

'Well,' replied Ole,
'I got it from my Genie.'

'You have a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Yeah, sure. He lives right here in my
tackle box,' says Ole..

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey there! I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for
A million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.




Over the roar of the million ducks,
Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy,
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Yeah, I forgot to tell you that my Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[paul]

EMOONING!!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some 'ARSICONS?'
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) an arsehole

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse

[paul]

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
Done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:




'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:



'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
knew how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

[gus]

Paul you need a book deal .

[paul]

Paul you need a book deal .

it would probably be a bit easier on the old body as well than what I`m doing now Gus

[paul]

Coles doctor!


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Coles. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Coles.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Coles.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Coles, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)




2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)


3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.


4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.. Get a lawyer.


5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Coles!

[madmax]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith "

[madmax]

A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."

[paul]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'


'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.


'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f*cking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, he farted.

[paul]

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."
"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[paul]

One Sunday morning,

a priest decided to
do something a little different.
He said
'Today, in church, I am going
to say a single word
and you are going to
help me preach.
Whatever single word I say,
I want you to sing whatever
hymn that comes to your mind --
the pastor shouted out
'CROSS..'

Immediately
the congregation started singing in unison,
'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began
to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.'
The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD..'

The Pastor said 'SEX'
The congregation fell into total silence.

Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other
afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden,
way from in the back of the church,
a little old 87 year old grandmother
stood up and began to sing
'MEMORIES.'

[Hammy]

A Fella decides that he would like to have an unusual pet. So, he goes down to the pet store and asks the owner if he has any special pets for sale. The pet shop owner says, " well it just so happens that I have aquired a talking Centipede and you can have it for $100:00 ". " I'll take it ", says the fella. So the store owner puts the centipede in a nice white box and off the fella sets with his new special pet. After they get home, the fella decides that he would like to take the centipede out somewhere to show him off. He thinks for a while and then goes over to the box and says, " would you like to go to the church with me " ? There is no reply. Again he asks, " would you like to go to the church with me " ? Still no reply. The fella is now getting a little annoyed and worried that he has been conned. This time he goes right up to the box and asks in a loud voice, " Hey in there, would you like to come to the church with me " ?
This time a tiny voice is heard from inside the box. " I heard you the first fuckin time ! I'm puttin on me fuckin shoes ".

[paul]

> An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.
>
> He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know,
> you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in
> the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the
> dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"
>
> "Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92
> today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh,
> the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."
>
> Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie! You little bugger.
> Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92..

[Ross.]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires,hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear

'That's me before the surgery.' ....

[Baz]

Australian Personal Ad

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

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Interested?
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