The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[paul]

An oldy but a goody











A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

[paul]

DIARY OF A POM IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.

November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!

November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me!

[paul]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, 
looking like he'd just been run over by a train. 
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, 
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp 
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. 
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, 
"He couldn't do that to you, 
he must have had something in his hand." 
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, 
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 
That I did," said Paddy. 
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of 
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
********************************************************************************************
 
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink 
is driving home from the city one night and, 
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 
"So," says the cop to the driver, 
where have ya been?" 
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," 
slurs the drunk. 
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite 
a few to drink this evening." 
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. 
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and 
folding his arms across his chest, 
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" 
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. 
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***************************************************************************** 
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, 
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". 
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. 
But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 
There was an accident down at the Guinnessbrewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." 
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus 
is dead and gone. I'm sorry. 
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat 
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
 
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?"
 
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, 
he got out three times to pee."
******************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after 
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. 
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" 
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. 
My husband passed away last night." 
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. 
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" 
She says, "That he did, Father." 
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " 
She says, He said, 
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, 
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. 
The Priest coughs a few times to get his 
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. 
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. 
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, 
there's no paper on this side either!"
 

[paul]

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife. They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny. I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all, But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call. Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound, That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round. They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap. That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps, We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps. Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks, He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night, You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light. And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide, But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all, Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall. If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are, You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled, Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head. Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped, If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops. The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back, And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

  

[kewwig]

What's the plus side of using methamphetamine?...............................it's only two sleeps to Christmas

[madmax]

A beautiful girl went to a gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes,"she replied. "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said. "You're checking for any lumps or possible malignancies."

"Correct." replied the doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started humping her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

[BanditDave]

What's the plus side of using methamphetamine?...............................it's only two sleeps to Christmas

WTF Sorry, I need some help with this one

[paul]

What's the plus side of using methamphetamine?...............................it's only two sleeps to Christmas

WTF Sorry, I need some help with this one

Meths keeps you awake ..................so if you keep taking it.................

[BanditDave]

What's the plus side of using methamphetamine?...............................it's only two sleeps to Christmas

WTF Sorry, I need some help with this one

Meths keeps you awake ..................so if you keep taking it.................

Thanks Paul

I bet I was not the only one who needed the joke explained. Someone had to ask the question and I did the right thing.

I have also learned something about methamphetamine that I have no knowledge on.

I drank 3 cans of V (or Mother) earlier this year on an 800Km sprint. If it does similar things then WOW!!

[madmax]

If you know nothing about Meth watch Breaking Bad. At the end of the 5th season you'll be a fully qualified chemist

[kewwig]

There's a nasty meth derivative here in NZ called "P". Highly addictive, users suffer extreme paranoia, lots of violence, criminality etc.  Ruined a lot of lives

[paul]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[Corsa79]

Liked that one had to share with friends

[Re-Cycled]

To Be 8 again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his  wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Obviously her fault, she wants to be AN eight again, if women can't express themselves clearly its not our fault, I wish you guys would stop pandering to them.

[paul]

Just a word of warning ............................don't ever ask HER if she would like to be an  8 again .  

[Baz]

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."
 
roses
 
"Sorry, too few characters."
 
pretty roses
 
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
 
1 pretty rose
 
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
 
1prettyrose
 
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
 
1fuckingprettyrose
 
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
 
1FUCKINGprettyrose
 
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
 
1FuckingPrettyRose
 
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
 
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow.
 
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
 
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow
 
"Sorry, that password is already in use."

[madmax]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance."

"They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: "No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers."

"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design."

"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate."

"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."

"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda ."

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[madmax]

A blonde decided to go ice fishing.

So, she gathered her gear and headed to the nearest pond she could find.

She started to cut a hole in the ice when suddenly a booming voice says: "There are no fish under the ice!"

She turned around startled and looked and didn't see anybody.

So she went further and started to cut a hole in the ice.

Again the booming voice:" There are no fish under the ice!!"

She turned around again and then said: "Is that God?"

"No," said the booming voice. "This is the ice rink manager!!"

[paul]

3 x  

[paul]

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired.. Do I have a job?



I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "What do you mean by that?"

"Very simple," I said.



"My wife told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask for it...

[Kaupy1962]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for
the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.


She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he
said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she
would need were in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she
realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"


"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blonde jokes."


A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I
gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her
along with a $10 tip.


"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a
Porch, it's an Audi."

[paul]

 

[paul]

Jenny, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[madmax]

[paul]

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,

"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw
it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said,

"Good choice:

The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

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