The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

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Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Re-Cycled]

[Reardo]

Looks cold Re-Cycled

This was posted ASB.
A copper at the TT.

[potatomasher]

WITH THE increasing number of near-misses and mid-air collisions over our skies, it's high time that the airlines started fitting bumpers to their planes, especially now that some of them allow women 'pilots'.


I FANCY having a bit of rabbit for my tea tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a butcher's or a pet shop?


AS A TRUCK driver working long hours, I often find myself nodding off at the wheel. However I've found I can relax and keep on driving by simply half closing my eyes and resting my head on a cushion against the window.

WHAT A lot of nonsense this tantric sex is. So Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. That's nothing. I've been banging my missus for forty years and she's not had an orgasm yet

[Mpottsy]

3 prostitutes in a bar...

The first one says I can fit a cucumber in my pussy
The second one says that's nothing I can fit a squash in mine
The third slid down her bar stool

[Reardo]

Not to far from the truth

[2wheelsagain]

Gus is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship".
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat".
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft".
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" Gus says.
She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
Gus replies, "Ten years ten long years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
Gob smacked, Gus replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a Bandit in there!"

[Saikhan]

[

[Reardo]

[Boatz]

[Bhoffo]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Thought this one was particularly funny!!

[paul]

I found a young homeless girl out by the bins last night . she was dirty & smelled a bit but underneath the grime I could see she was pretty and had a good body so I brought her inside and gave her a bath . As I was toweling off her naked body I became aroused & one thing led to another . Before I knew it I was making mad passionate love to her .It was a beautiful thing and I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you would have sworn she was alive .

the title did say sick/ bad jokes but you shouldn`t have read this if your easily offended.

[paul]

Bert had always wanted a pair of real cowboy boots so when he saw them on special he bought a pair .when he got home he sauntered up to his wife and said "notice something different about me " she looked him up and down then " nope " she said .Frustrated Bert stormed into the bedroom and stripped naked except for the boots . Again he asked his wife " notice anything different now " " nope " she said " its hanging down today ,same as yesterday , and it will be hanging down again tomorrow " Furious Burt said " And do you know why its hanging down . its looking at my new boots ! " without missing a beat his wife says " should`ve bought a hat Bert , should`ve bought a hat .

[gus]

[paul]

a small 5 year old boy was visiting his grandma & was playing with his toys in the bedroom while his grandma dusted . How come you don`t have a boyfriend now grandpa has gone to heaven grandma.She replied honey my tv is my boyfriend & I can watch it all day long & it keeps me company & makes me laugh , I`m happy to have my tv as my boyfriend .grandma turned on the tv but the reception was terrible so she twiddled the knobs trying to get in focus . Finally in frustration she started to bang the back of the tv to try to fix it .The little boy heard the door bell ring so hurried to open the door & there stood grandmas minister . The minister said " hello son is your grandma home " " yeah said the boy she`s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend " the minister fainted .

[paul]

dear noah ,
we could have sworn you said the ark was leaving at 5 pm

signed : the unicorns

dear iceburgs ,
sorry to hear about global warming karma is a bich

signed : the titanic

dear yahoo ,
I`ve never heard anyone say I don`t know lets yahoo it
just saying .............

signed google

dear girls who`ve been dumped ,

there`s plenty of fish in the sea
oh no wait a minute they`re all dead

signed : BP



dear fdsfloreg[p bds

hdrtsnk//,ubg jsrav

signed : Stevie wonder .


dear scissors ,
I feel your pain no one wants to run with me either

signed : Sarah Palin


Dear iphone ,

please stop spell checking all my rude words into nice words you piece of shut !

signed : every iphone user

dear man ,

yes it`s cute , but can you pick up peanuts with it

signed : the elephant

[Reardo]

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'

[paul]

A teacher noticed that a young boy at the back of the class was squirming around scratching his crotch and not paying attention .she went back to see what was going on . Quite embarrassed he whispered he`d just been circumcised & was quite itchy .he was told to go to the office & ring his mum to see what he should do about it which he did & then returned to class. suddenly there was a commotion in class & when she went to investigate the teacher saw the boy with his " private part " hanging out ." I thought I told you to ring your mum" she said & he replied " I did & she said if I could stick it out till lunch time she would come & pick me up" .

[paul]

A woman`s husband had been slipping in & out of a coma for several months yet she had stayed by his bed side the whole time . One day when he woke up he motioned for her to come closer . As she sat by him he whispered with tears in his eyes : you know what Mavis you`ve been with me through all the bad times; when I got fired you were there to support me ; when my business failed you were there ; when I got shot you were by my side ; when we lost the house you stayed right there ; when my health failed you were still by my side ; you know what Mavis ? " No what dear" she said gently as her heart filled with warmth . I`m beginning to think your fucking bad luck.

[Reardo]

shit

[Reardo]

Not know why the link isn't working.
[url=<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/20702175?color=872ba6" width="400" height="225" frameborder="0" webkitAllowFullScreen allowFullScreen></iframe><p><a href="http://vimeo.com/20702175">Mr Scribble</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/zonkvision">Zonk Vision</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>]Mr Scribble the man from Footscray[/url]

[paul]

THE NEW ALPHABET:
A`s for arthritis ,
B`s the bad back ,
C`s the chest pain , perhaps cardiac !
D is for dental , decay and decline ,
E is for eyesight ; cant read that top line !
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I`d rather not mention !
H is high blood pressure , I`d rather it low ,
I for incisions with scars you can show !
J is for joints that will not mend ,
K is for knees that crack when you bend !
L`s for libido .what happened to sex ?
M is for memory I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia in nerves way down low ,
O is for osteo ,bones that don`t grow ,
P for prescriptions , I have quite a few,
just give me a pill I`ll be good as new .
Q is for queasy , is it fatal or flu ?
R is for reflux , one meal turns to two ,
S is for sleepless , counting my fears ,
T is for tinnitus ; bells in my ears,
U is for urinary ; trouble with flow ,
V is for vertigo that`s dizzy you know !
W is for worry ; now whats going round ?
X is for xray and what might be found ,
Y for another year I`m left here behind ,
Z is for zest I still have ........in my mind .
I`ve survived all the symptoms , my body`s deployed ,
I`m keeping twenty six doctors fully employed !


m

[paul]

Five rules for a man to follow for a happy life
1 : its important to have a woman who helps at home ,
cooks from time to time , cleans up and has a job.

2 : its important to have a woman who makes you laugh.

3 : its important to have a woman who you can trust
and doesn`t lie to you .

4 : its important to have a woman who is good in bed
and wants to be with you .


5 : its very important these four women don't know each other .

[Reardo]

The teacher asked if anyone in the class could use the word 'INCOMPLETELY' in a sentence?Johnny stood up and said "When my balls touch my girlfriends arsehole, I know I'm in-completely"

[paul]

QUOTE FOR THE DAY

And God created the orgasm so women can
moan even when they`re happy .

[paul]

when my wife asked me " how many women have you slept with " I said " only one dear you , I was awake with all the others " the bruises are healing nicely !

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