The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Reardo]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos,

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.



"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk"



I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[boomer]

Nurses Do Not Laugh...

"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Bob declared.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

Things went downhill from there...

[Desert Bandito]

A man walks into a Psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The Psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

[Big Al]

IF YOU RECEIVE AN E-MAIL TITLED


“NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE.”

DO NOT OPEN IT.


IT CONTAINS NUDE PHOTOS OF SUSAN BOYLE

[Big Al]

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women



And here we go...

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.


And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....



#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun

[Desert Bandito]

Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it's possible to get?

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home. First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud. After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.

His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

[Desert Bandito]

[boomer]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."

[Desert Bandito]

Talk about a great Valentines day heart.

[Big Al]

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest.

"Bless me, father, for I have sinned.

I was with seven different women last night."


The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, "Go home and cut

seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it

down in one gulp."



"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.



"No," replies the priest,



"but it will wipe that smirk off your face....."

[Re-Cycled]

A friend has been emailing me these jokes, just right for this thread.

MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN !!



On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad
to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.


One woman, in particular, loses it... Screaming, she stands up in
The front of the plane.

'I'm too young to die,' she wails.


Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable!'


Is there anyone on this
plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.


They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate
woman in the front of the plane.

Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.


He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.


She gasps.


He whispers . . .



'Iron this. Then get me a beer.'

[Big Al]

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE

OF PROSTITUTION 10 K's



He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and

drives on without a second thought......Soon he

sees another sign, which says:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE

OF PROSTITUTION 5 K's



Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are

for real....Then he drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE

OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into

the drive....On the side of the parking lot is a stone

building with a small sign next to the door reading:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door

is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"...He answers, "I

saw your signs along the highway, and was interested

in possibly doing business."..... "Very well my son.

Please follow me."



He is led through many winding passages and is soon

quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door

and tells the man, Please knock on this door".............



He does as he is told and another nun in a long

habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun

instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go

through the large wooden door at the end of this

hallway".......



He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the

second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall

and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........



As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back

in the parking lot, facing another small sign:



GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.



SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Big Al]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"


Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me...."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor

of woman?" God said, " Ah, yes."
"Well ," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

"Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial supercomputer,

typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to

Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding

my invention than yours

[Grover]

I have been feeling depressed lately, so I decided to get some help and I called Men's Helpline.
They have outsourced their call centre to a company in Pakistan.
I told the counsellor my problems and he asked if I was suicidal. I replied that I was.
He asked me if I could drive truck.

grover.

[gus]

Arrr ,Mmmmm.

[kewwig]

Two old Englishmen sipping port in a gentlemen's club in London. The older one says: "oh, Roger, in December I decided to go to Africa and hunt a spot of lion".
"Yes, yes" says his mate.
"So, there I was, out in the bush with my lion gun" says the older one, "when out of the bushes pops this black man. Huge, he was. 6 foot 1 if he was an inch, all black and glossy and wearing a loin cloth"
"Yes, yes" mumbles his mate, while sipping his port.
The older one continues. " He came over to me, took my lion gun, took me to a log, tore off my trousers and buggered me senseless"
"God, that must have hurt!" says his mate, finally paying attention.
"Hurt? Hurt?! You don't know the meaning of the word" splutters the older one. "It's been 6 months - not a card, not a letter........"

[Desert Bandito]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange
development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside
of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem
to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells
her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the
doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm
wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[bruiser2310]

ok you asked for it
a mother in tassie came home from shopping and found her son fingering his sister
do you have anything to tell me to rectify this situation? she said
he said,i found dad`s wedding ring
sorry if i have upset anyone.my boss told me that 1

[Desert Bandito]

ok you asked for it
a mother in tassie came home from shopping and found her son fingering his sister
do you have anything to tell me to rectify this situation? she said
he said,i found dad`s wedding ring
sorry if i have upset anyone.my boss told me that 1

So if your boss jumped off a bridge.................

I think this took sick jokes to a whole new level.

[Desert Bandito]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex,
marriage and family values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
--------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
my intelligence come from?"
The father replied: "Well, son, you must have got it from
your mother, because I still have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce Court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every
now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the
Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, "I don't
like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me either , doc," said the husband.
"But she's a great cook and is really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse that he's been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons " Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder":
1. The DNA all matches
2. There are no dental records
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ? "
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" ,asked one detective.
"With a golf gun", the other detective replied.
"A golf gun! What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse
appears and asks him how he's feeling.
"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor
used in surgery." ,he answered.
What did he say? ", asked the nurse.
"Oops! "
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed
a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit. so I sought my
husband's advice.
"What do you think? " , I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one ? "
"Better get a bikini" , he replied. "You'll never get it all in one."
He's still in intensive care.

[Desert Bandito]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to make him a Bin Laden.

The bartender asks, what's a Bin Laden?

The man reply's, it's two shots and a splash of water.

[bruiser2310]

my neighbour knocked on my door 2.30am this morning,can you believe that ....2.30am?
lucky for him i was still up playing my bagpipes
---------------------------------------------------
i sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning thai girl.i kept thinking to myself,please
don`t get an erection but she did.
-----------------------------------------------------
man calls 911 and says "i think my wife is dead"
the operator says how do you know?
he says"the sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
-------------------------------------------------------
my girlfriend thinks i`m a stalker.well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
---------------------------------------------------------
i was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come
back as a different creature
she said "i would like to come back as a cow"
i said "you are not f--king listening

that`s all for now
ride safe

[Boatz]

Two blokes are fishing off a bridge when a funeral procession passes by
One bloke stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head
When the cars have passed he puts his cap back on, sits down and continues fishing
His mate say's to him "Dave, that's one of the most respectful things i've ever seen you do"
Dave replies "well we were married for nearly 20 years"

[Mpottsy]

Why do men snore when they sleep on their backs?
.
.
.
.
.
Their balls drop down over their arse holes causing them to vapor lock..

[Reardo]

This isn't a joke. It's a comedy act. But it is good & it was at the 2009 Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

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