The sick/bad joke thread

[dhula]

First topic message reminder :

As a few sick/bad jokes have been psoted up and everyone has had a good laugh at them I thought it might work if you made a sticky for all of these kinds of jokes/ Perhaps Cam can drag all the previous ones into this thread and have them all in one place. Not sure.

I recon one of the rules should be that no matter how sick/bad you find the joke you are not allowed to flame the poster of the joke.
Another rule should be that there is a line that should not be crossed, don't know where the line should be drawn (maybe we can work that out as we move along) but there should be one.

Anyway, here is my contribution (maybe this is guna be the line)

A bit of background to this joke first.
I was in a Bunnings car park in a suburb of Hobart a few years ago when a old fella came and started talking to me about my car and trailer. To cut a long story short he ended up telling me this

How do you circumcise a Tasmanian?
v

v

v

v

v

v

v

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[Hammy]

Read with an Irish accent.

Two men walk into a pet shop in Fingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies
in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat.



Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[paul]

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down a back street in Rome one leans over to the other and says " I`ve never come this way before " to which the other nun whispers " it`s the cobblestones "

[paul]

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

a stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and the stranger turned to the little girl & said" lets talk; they say flights go a lot quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger" .The little girl who had just opened her book slowly closed it and said "ok what do you want to talk about ? " Oh I don`t know" said the stranger" what about nuclear power " & he smiles ."Ok she said that could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first . A horse a cow & a deer all eat grass but the horse produces clumps of dried grass the cow turns out a flat patty & the deer excretes little pellets . why do you suppose that is ? "The stranger visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thinks about it & says " hmmm I have no idea "To which the little girl replies " do you really think you`re really qualified to talk about nuclear power then when you don't know shit ? "

[Hammy]

[paul]

my wife suggested I get myself one of those
penis enlargers so I did / she`s 24 & her names Lucy.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl give him a hand job
I said " son that's three schools this year , you`d better stop before
they ban you from teaching all together ."


following the death of the human cannonball a spokesman said
" we`ll struggle to find someone else of the same caliber "


whats the difference between a brick & a blonde ?
the brick wont follow you home after you lay it .


the cost of living has gotten so bad my wife has started having
sex with me because she can`t afford the batteries.

some bastard has stolen a pair of my wife's knickers off the
washing line , she`s not worried about the knickers but
she wants the twelve pegs back .

[paul]

AN Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.
He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[paul]

BUNNINGS GREETER

After landing my job as a bunnings greeter ( a good job for a new retiree ) I lasted less than a day ...............
About 2hrs into my first day a very loud unattractive mean-acting woman walked into the store with her 2 kids yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance .As I`d been instructed I said " good morning madam & welcome to Bunnings " I then said " nice children you have there are they twins ? " The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say " hell no they ain`t twins ones nine and the other ones seven . Why the hell would you think they`re twins are you blind or just stupid ? "
So I replied " I`m neither blind or stupid madam I just couldn't believe someone would shag you twice . Have a good day and thank you for shopping a bunnings . " My supervisor said I probably was`nt cut out for this line of work .

[paul]

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary to world leaders............

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last
minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.
The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.
The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.
The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little funny.
By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.
Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse.
By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.
As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.
As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[paul]

Drunk Driver True story from Australia

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[paul]

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure,
Brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.

[Saikhan]

[paul]

A hunter shoots himself in the genitals with his shotgun. A few hours
> later,
>
>> lying in a hospital bed, he's approached by a doctor.
>
>> "The good news is you're gonna be ok. The bad news is there was some
> pretty
>
>> extensive buckshot damage to your penis so I'm gonna have to refer you to
> my
>
>> sister.
>
>> " Is she a plastic surgeon ?" asks the hunter.
>
>> "No." says the doctor,
>
>> "She's a flute player. She'll teach you where to put your fingers so you
>
>> don't piss in your face!

[paul]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not
an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near
the window?"

[paul]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Jerry who asked, "Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Jerry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven
."The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
even know the way to the f*^%#g Post Office"

[paul]

NOW ON SALE AT IKEA

quick assembly lesbian beds

No nuts or screwing involved

It`s all tongue in groove !!

[paul]

Working people frequently ask retired people what

they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I

went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,

how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started

writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the

second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets..

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it

and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[Hammy]

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!


Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who is English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realized she was just on standby.

Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".

They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester , Luton & London:
Because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

[madmax]

A Pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he got his new teeth, he only talked for five minutes.

On the second Sunday, he only talked for only ten minutes. But on the third Sunday,
he was still going strong after 2 hours and 45 minutes.

Several members from the congregation eventually rebelled, removed him from
the pulpit and sought an answer for this uncharacteristic behaviour.

The Pastor explained that the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he couldn't
talk for more than 5 minutes. And on the second Sunday his gums still hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But on the third Sunday he’d put in his wife's dentures by mistake!

[paul]

re @ hammy

in today`s overly politically correct world .......very funny

[paul]

The girlfriend bought me a lovely new watch for my birthday. "Do you like it?" she said.
"It's great!" I said, "it will remind me of your vagina." She laughed, "Is that because its exclusive and sexy?"
I replied "Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist."

[paul]

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."




OLD IS WHEN...
Your partner says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
OLD IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

OLD IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

OLD IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

OLD IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

OLD IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any FIBRE today.

OLD IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the PARKING LOT.

OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

OLD IS WHEN....
You are not sure these are jokes?

[paul]

Murphy applied for a fork lift operator job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin . A Polish guy applied for the same job, and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you both for coming to the interview, but after we've looked closely at the results, we've decided to give the Polish man the job."

Murphy, "And why in the world would you be doing dat? We both got 19 questions roite. And this being Ireland , and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."

Manager, " We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Murphy, "Tell me now, how could one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7, the Pole wrote down,'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

[paul]

Irish golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his
drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little leprechaun flat on his back,
a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball
beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the leprechaun says to himself.

'I have to do something for him. I'll give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game,
all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.
On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into
the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'
He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer
golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket
and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the leprechaun,
'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,
'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the leprechaun in shock.
'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[paul]

The Best Smart Ass
Answers!!

SMART ASS ANSWER
#6

It was mealtime during an airline
flight. 'Would you like
dinner?', the flight attendant asked
John, seated in
front.



'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she
replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER
#5

A flight attendant was stationed at
the departure gate to check tickets. As a man
approached, she extended her hand for the ticket
and he opened his trench coat and flashed
her.



Without missing a beat, she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER
#4

A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't
find one big enough for her family. She asked a
stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any
bigger?'



The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am,
they're dead...'


SMART ASS ANSWER
#3

The police officer got out of his car
as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all
day,' the officer
said.



The kid replied, Yeah, well I got
here as fast as I could.' When the
cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on
his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER
#2

A truck driver was driving along on
the freeway and noticed a sign that read:
Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows
it, the bridge is right in front of him and his
truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up
for miles. Finally a police car
comes
up.



The cop gets out of his car and walks
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, 'Got stuck,
huh?'



The truck driver says, 'No, I was
delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE
YEAR!!

A college teacher reminds her class
of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now
class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear
attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses
whatsoever!'



A smart-ass student in the back of
the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?' The entire class
is reduced to laughter and
snickering.



When silence was restored, the
teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook
her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd
have to write the exam with your other
hand.'


A BONUS
EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in
the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what
she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really
need you to pay me a
compliment.'



The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's
damn near
perfect.

[paul]

Tom's scrotum:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom... "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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