The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed
in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks,
"So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold
to the SAS.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security
work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".
Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed.
He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the
dog.
"Ten bucks," the owner says.

"$10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling
him so cheaply?

"Because he's a lying sod. He's never been out of my garden."

[Bosco15]

That's a cracker, Chook. 

[paul]

Protecting our parks. . . .
Australia’s ‘Chief Female Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist’, who was responsible for getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her fanny. 
In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared  Angry, the woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

“Well...” replied the doctor, “I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, The National Parks and Wildlife Service, the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove “old growth timber” from a “recreational area”.
I’m sorry but they all turned you down!”

[madmax]

An elderly man, looking about 100 years old, and on a Moped, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right.. But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 kph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer.He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?' the doctor asks himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 kph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 kph. He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 kph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers,

'Unhook my bloody braces from your side mirror'

[paul]

[Chook]

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

[Chook]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.


Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

[madmax]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.


Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

I take it Johnny was a foreigner

[Chook]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.


Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

 I take it Johnny was a foreigner

Or just the stereo typical Johnny, a smart arse

[Chook]

Three footy fans were walking back from the MCG when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of Jolimont Road .
They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.
Out of respect and propriety, the Hawthorn fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts.
The Kangaroos fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast.
Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Collingwood fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation.
First he lifted up the Hawks cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook.
Next, he lifted the Kangaroos cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book.
Then the officer lifted the Collingwood cap, replaced it, lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time -shaking his head in disbelief.
The Collingwood fan was extremely annoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
"Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused.
"Normally, when you look under a Collingwood cap...you'll find an arsehole."

[Chook]

Know when to shoot and when to make a new friend.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It's after midnight. While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head
The wife shouts, “Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.”
• HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
• HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
• HE paid for your Football season tickets.
• HE paid for our house at the lake.
• HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
• HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
• And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a cold."

[Chalkie]

Chook, being a Collingwood supporter I'd be offended if was also an arsehole! LOL 

[Chook]

[madmax]

Scary part is I know him, very well............

[madmax]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...

[paul]

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number after a number of rings he was answered by child's whisper
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' '
Small voice whispered, 'Yes, he's out in the garden ,'
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered,' No.'
So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'
'Yes she's out in the garden too'
The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'
Again, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes, whispered the child,' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
'No, He's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. '
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
It's a helicopter 'answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
'The search team just landed a helicopter
' A search team?' said the boss.
'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME '...

[Chook]

[madmax]

I went for a testicle check up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure." I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have."

[Chook]

Just deleted all the German names off my mobile phone. 


Now I'm Hans free.

[madmax]

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Nick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Nick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Nick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Nick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.. They couldn't believe it.. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Nick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Nick sat up and watched me all night."



Names have been changed to protect the innocent

[barry_mcki]

↑↑↑ What happens in Cowra, stays in Cowra 

[Re-Cycled]

↑↑↑ What happens in Cowra, stays in Cowra 

[Chalkie]

So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL :oops:

[madmax]

So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL :oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore

[Chook]

So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL :oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore

I've now stayed in the Cowra venue, the walls wouldn't talk, I have NFI either .................

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