The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[madmax]

The Nun's Kiss


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -
1) you have to be single and
2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"

[paul]

[Chook]

Did you like that one Kevin 

[paul]

Did you like that one Kevin 

Some people are just sooo gullible 

[Chook]

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:


The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.


Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."


The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”


Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”


The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”


Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.


Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”


The teacher sat down and cried.

[paul]

85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. 

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' 

Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[paul]

TWOPRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

[madmax]

Just as well this is the bad joke thread

[paul]

Just as well this is the bad joke thread

It's enough to make you " sick " isn't it 

[2wheelsagain]

TWOPRAWNS

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

Fark me............. Banned!

[paul]

TWOPRAWNS

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

Fark me............. Banned!

Is that long enough yet ?...............

[madmax]

TWOPRAWNS

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

Fark me............. Banned!

Is that long enough yet ?...............

Got to be the worst joke on here

[paul]

[Chook]

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

[paul]

'I've found Cod. 
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
.

Too sophisticated or you as well eh ?.................................

[Hammy]

If Paul doesn't get 7 days in the cooler for that one.....

[Ewok1958]

[paul]

Well ........what a sad reflection on today's society , it appears some of our members grew up without knowing the joy and subtlety of " Dad jokes " humour ..............."is it too late for us to learn " I hear you ask . Fear not my two wheeled  friends , for I shall search the four corners of the internet in search of more " Dad jokes " humour for you all ,so that you may learn its subtlety and fill that void in your life left over from your childhood , and learn how to groan out loud properly when you know another joke is about to begin . 

[Chook]

Well ........what a sad reflection on today's society , it appears some of our members grew up without knowing the joy and subtlety of " Dad jokes " humour ...........

 Both my kids hate my "Dad Jokes", both reckon nothing I've come up with nothing that "SAD" yet


You're a legend paul, took Dad Jokes to a whole new level!! 

[madmax]

I always thought of Dad Jokes as an impromptu joke that come up in the moment.

[Chook]

That was my understanding as well, they are the one's that make my kids cringe

[paul]

16 posts over the one joke LOL it is becoming its own thread . Whether it be a short one liner or a long build up to an eye rolling ,  corny ,groan worthy ending has always been my impression of a dad joke . Maybe I'm just more creative with mine , or maybe some of us are just being a little precious    .

[Chook]

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said.  'But I don't want the eggs..'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress..
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!

[madmax]

Dad Jokes.........apparently

Why is milk the fastest liquid know to man?
.Because it's pasteurised before you see it! grin emoticon

Police were called to a day care centre today were there was a 3 year old resisting a rest

My job as a concreter is getting harder and harder

I went to look at a Light House yesterday with the intention of buying it.
But I found it too flashy.

I played poker with an origami expert last night that was a waste of time he kept folding!

My dad told me to stop using such high calibre rounds when we were out hunting.
As usual, it went in one deer and out the other!!..

Austerity is really biting.. just heard my local Origami business has folded

bought a phone from Germany on Ebay. When I got it I had to delete all the names.... Its now Hans free

Paddy says to Mick "Mick I'm thinking of getting a Labrador puppy "
Don't do it Mick says have you seen how many Labrador owners go blind!!

Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy..?,
cos he was so far out man!

Knock knock
Who's there?
Broken Pencil.
Broken Pencil who?
Never mind it's pointless.

Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.

Apparently someone's been stealing patrol dogs. Police say they have several leads.

I was standing on the beach watching the waves with some Babaghanoush and this random stranger yelled at me what do you think your doing mate ? Mate I'm taking a dip in the ocean!

[Chook]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. 


One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" 


The woman shakes her head no. 


Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" 


The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her knickers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.


The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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