The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL :oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore

Wasn't there a video kicking around somewhere  ? 

[madmax]

So what went on in Corowa? Remember what happens on the Forum stays on the Forum. LOL :oops:

Cowra

First national meet was held in Cowra, November 2013.
I not saying anymore

Wasn't there a video kicking around somewhere  ? 

Hammy might know

[Chalkie]

So who still has a video player? 

[paul]

THE TOILET SEAT
 
My wife, Diana, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the  wooden seat on our  toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out socialising at the local ladies luncheon in town.
 
After finishing,  I left & went to visit a mate on anotherr matter before she  returned.
              
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the  shower, she sat on the  toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy  paint had glued her to the toilet  seat.
              
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both  pushed  and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid  the toilet seat  bolts.
              
Diana wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital  emergency  room.
              
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free  her (Try to get a mental picture of  this.) Diana tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well,  Doctor, I'll  bet you've never seen anything like this  before."
           

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and  framed.

[madmax]

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that...So what's the other possible good news?'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again..

[Bosco15]

ROFL. A right ol' knee slapper, that one. 
Well done, Brian. 8-)

[Chook]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross eyed is there anything you can do for him?"

So the vet picks up the dog and says "Lets have a look at him." He examines the dog and says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why because he's cross eyed?"


No says the vet "Because he's really heavy."

[paul]

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross eyed is there anything you can do for him?"

So the vet picks up the dog and says "Lets have a look at him." He examines the dog and says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why because he's cross eyed?"


No says the vet "Because he's really heavy."

I thought he was headed for a " Ruff " ending for a minute 

[paul]

[size=32]        Senior Males - Sexual Activity[/size]

 
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from The National Statistics Office and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealed that:
 
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
 
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
 

[Chook]

A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I'm blind and I Can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there." 

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes." 

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Joan, who's the cook. 

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." 

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Joan, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy. 

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Are you kidding me? I didn't know Joan worked here."

[paul]

I went to a dance party where they played all the old music . They played the twist ........I danced the twist .They played Nutbush City Limits .......I did the nutbush . They played the Locomotion ..........and I danced the locomotion . They then played Come on Eileen..........which is when I was told to get out and never come back .

[Chook]

LOL

My mate's wife is Eileen, must have worked for him

[paul]

LOL

My mate's wife is Eileen, must have worked for him

Maybe it brings you luck like when a bird poops on you   ....................Lucky Eileen 

[Chalkie]

I think it depends on the size of the bird - I don't fancy droppings from a pelican would be too lucky! 

[Chook]

She pushes her BMW into a gas station and tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[madmax]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?" Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fuckin number!"
And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the "wrong" number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" I said, but I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don, and you'd better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick you," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
Anger management really works.

[F]

Old bush lady finds her old husband standing naked in the bed room staring down.Just what are you doing she asked,
/. Just admiring my new RM Williams stock boots,well why are you naked? So my old fellow can admire them as well.
She replied " shoulda bought a hat"!

[Chook]

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead 
of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what 
hole I'm on." 
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He 
thanked her and continued playing golf. 
On the back nine he got lost again. 
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm 
sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what 
hole 
I'm on." 
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." 
Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. 
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and 
asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As 
they 
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in 
sales." 
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" 
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know 
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He 
promised. She said, "I sell tampons". 
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. 
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". 
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I'm 
still one hole behind you. I sell toilet paper."

[Chook]

A pregnant Jamaican Woman comes out of a coma and looks down and sees her bump has gone.
"HELP HELP" she cries.
A Nurse enters and reassures her all is ok,
"You've had twins" said the Nurse, "A boy and a girl."
"I must name them" exclaims the Mother.
"It's ok" said the Nurse, "Your brother has named them."
"OMG" shrieks the Mother,  "My brother is an idiot-what has he called them?
"Well" said the Nurse, "He's named the girl 'Denise'.
"I'm surprised" said the Mother, "Thats a lovely name, whats he called the boy?"
"De-nephew." replies the Nurse.

[Chook]

A few Irish jokes supplied by a (Northern) Irishman

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him,
"Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"



A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.....
The driver won £52!



Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, OI tink it's beef"




Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."




Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.
Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."



The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...




Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"



Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."



Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[Chook]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the
expression, 'I presumed'
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday, my mother hand washed
the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good", said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the
garage. I presumed that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.

Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says: "Yesterday, I
saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for
the bush. I presumed that"
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no
idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

"Johnny says, please teacher let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying................... I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper
under his arm, I presumed he was going for a shit because he can't read."

[madmax]

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...
They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.
When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' at their new possessions, the old man asked Peter how much all of this was going to cost. "It's all free," Peter replied. "We are in heaven, after all."
Next they surveyed the lush championship golf course behind their home, where they were entitled to play everyday.
Of course, all the old man wanted to know, was: "How much are the green fees?"
"It's free!" came the reply.
Next, they went to the club house, and saw the lavish buffet on offer, with all of the world's different cuisines on offer, every meal cooked to perfection.
"How much do we have to pay for two?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand, yet?!" Peter replied, exasperated. "It's all free, you're in heaven!"
"Well, where are the low fat and cholesterol tables then? The food won't have too many calories, will it?" the old man asked, looking quite worried.
"That's the best part of heaven," Saint Peter said, excitedly. "You can eat as much of whatever you want, and you won't gain a single gram!"
With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it wildly. His wife and Peter tried to calm him down, asking what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife. "This is all your fault!" he screamed! "If it weren't for you and your fuckin bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[paul]

A plane is making its final approach to St. John's Airport.
 
 
The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St John's Newfoundland . I want to thank you for flying with us today and  hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".
 
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
 
The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?'
 
'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner... I'm gonna wine and  dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'
 
Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
 
Meanwhile,the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.
 
  She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
 
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
 

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need  to hurry,dear...He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

[madmax]

[madmax]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” "Very good, Mary" said the teacher
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"
Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the Turnbull approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth"

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