The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[madmax]

OMG you live dangerously - hope your missus doesn't have access to the forum! If she does, let me know which hospital to visit you.  

Missus! what missus? I'm a free man

[Chalkie]

So that's the noise - all those young women banging on the front door wanting your heart and half your assets.

[madmax]

So that's the noise - all those young women banging on the front door wanting your heart and half your assets.

More like they want to eat my heart and take all my assets, so they can just keep knocking, I'm not answering

[paul]

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.

The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gone down there!
You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!

"Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to find yourself a lawyer?"

[Chook]

[Chook]

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me." In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?”
"You're the eighth" says the old man

[Chook]

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front.

He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[paul]

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and lay down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady.  I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride? 

[Chook]

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
“Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late..........

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
“I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

[Chook]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuck-all.
Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless..."

Makes me feel bloody proud to be Australian!

[Chook]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same..'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man. The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[madmax]

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it
Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the
drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man
and says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you
running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these
Australian customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the Aussie.
“Those aren't Australian customs.”
"Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true blue Australian, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL SHIT."....

[madmax]

Magic Sandals
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
Look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'..

[Chook]

[paul]

Wife's  Diary:   


 


Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.


 


I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.


 


Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.


 


I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."


 


I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.


 


He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.


 


On the way home, I told him that I loved him.


 


He smiled slightly, and kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior.


 


I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'


 


When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.


 


Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex , he fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


 


Husband's  Diary:


 



A two-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

[Chook]

The following is offered to clear up any misunderstanding. What could be more clear? Cheers


There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion. However, medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[madmax]

There is a factory in Essex which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Shelley is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
…
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Shelley surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Shelley.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[madmax]

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 5 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[BanditDave]

Off and Running at Tesco

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in their Home -brand burgers.

Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.

Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK
Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
30% horse meat, these quips hit the internet …



“I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse..... I guess Tesco just listened!

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had £5 each way!

Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF"

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers,

Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....

"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....


A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....
Talk about flogging a dead horse!

[Chalkie]

Stop horsing around BD

[Chook]

The owner of a golf course on the Australia’s Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the University of Queensland and I need some help.

If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[madmax]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”

[paul]

Golf Handicap.... 

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods. 
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear. 
One of the golfers grabs the old man and asks, "What's going on?"
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and we  attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer asks, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old man says, "That's his handicap.  He caught her last time!"

[madmax]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked, but managed to compose himself and walk into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told his friends they were drinking to his impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered, "Dad, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them fuckers, sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

[paul]

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