The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[madmax]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started.

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that

long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started.

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

[Chook]

A young Sydney woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the harbour. 


Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.  
 
         
Hi "You have so much to live for," said the man. 


"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. 


I'll take care of you, bring you food every day and keep you happy."
   
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. 
  
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. 
  
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine and make love to her until dawn. 
  
Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
   
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain
   
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."
   
"I see," the captain said.
   
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
 
"He certainly is," replied the captain. 


 "This is the Manly Ferry."

[paul]

[Chook]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  


He had been checking her  out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. 


Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, 


grabbed it out  of the air, and handed it back.  


'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'  


They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... 


They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. 


After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. 


They had a wonderful, wonderful time.


The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!


'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect  woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 


'No,' she replies. 


'You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye.'

[paul]

[madmax]

Dad joke!

[paul]

Dad joke!

See ............dad jokes are good jokes .

[Chook]

Murphy says to Paddy,
"What ya talkin' into an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"

[paul]

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two

sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and

a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments

between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices

over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:



"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.



The wife replies,



"The asshole has a paper route"...

[Chook]

The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

[paul]

[Chook]

What do you call a Stupid Indian father?

Papa Dumb

[Re-Cycled]

Dad joke!

See ............dad jokes are good jokes .

Certainly are... I just had an idea instead of telling the Mrs I'm buying another bike I'll tell her I'm investing in wheel estate, if she's not listening properly it's not my fault!

[paul]

Dad joke!

See ............dad jokes are good jokes .

Certainly are... I just had an idea instead of telling the Mrs I'm buying another bike I'll tell her I'm investing in wheel estate, if she's not listening properly it's not my fault!

Be very careful Re-Cycled ............sometimes things wheely seem like a good idea , but  they also have a habit of turning around and just rolling right over you .

[madmax]

Dad joke!

See ............dad jokes are good jokes .

Certainly are... I just had an idea instead of telling the Mrs I'm buying another bike I'll tell her I'm investing in wheel estate, if she's not listening properly it's not my fault!

I like your thinking

[Chook]

Two Drug Addicts accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine when holidaying in India.


Both are in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!

[Chook]

A Sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar...


He came, he saw, he conquered!

[paul]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: 
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
 
AT AN OPTOMETRIST’S OFFICE: 
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've
Come to the right place." 
   
ON A PLUMBER’S TRUCK:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
 

On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."
 

On another Plumber's truck:  
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
 
 
At a Car Dealership: 
"The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
 
 
Outside a Muffler Shop: 
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
 
 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 
"Be back in 5 minutes.     Sit...   Stay.."
 
 
At the Electric Company: 
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
 
 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 
"Drive carefully.  We'll wait."
 
 
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
 
 
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: 
"Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises.

[wavemotto]

LOL 

[aussie]

A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: "What is your name?"

 

Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"

 

Businessman: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"

 

Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"

 

Businessman: "How close?"

 

Flight Attendant: "Same Price.

[truck]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.
"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"
A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.
"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"

[paul]

My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. “State of the Art,” he said, “It cost me a fortune.”
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?”

He said, “Two thirty.”

[Chook]

SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best men started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."

[Chook]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!



Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they are shellfish.



Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion in France? There was nothing left but de brie.



I went to buy camouflage pants, but I couldn't find any.



What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.



What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.



Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke? He won the no-bell prize.

[BanditDave]

BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of you men who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine!
Wayne was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne.
'What's in the bag?' asked the old man.
Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'
The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade...'

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