The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbours`s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked on me," he replied.

[paul]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.  We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.  Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[paul]

What a mistake....

 
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
 

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
 
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."



He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.


 
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
 
"We missed the R! We missed the R!

We missed the bloody R!"
 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
 
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was .... 
 



 
 
[size=48]CELEBRATE!"[/size]

 

[paul]

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

[paul]

Getting Married Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:


"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and walking sticks?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."

[Chook]

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

[Chook]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man....The medicine man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, 'This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '1 2 3,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!' The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine man replies, 'When your partner can take no more sex all she has to say is '1 2 3 4', and it will then go down. But be warned, the 'pork sword' will not rise again for another year.' The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says '123' and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised. His wife turns over and asks, 'What did you say '1 2 3... for?"..


..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................



As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail. "Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled. "No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just you're eating off his plate."

[Chook]

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box... gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!


..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


Mary texts husband on a cold winter morning:
"Windows frozen."
Paddy texts back:
"Pour some luke-warm water over and wipe it dry."
Mary texts back:
"Computer totally fucked now."



.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................


I'm selling my pet python on ebay.
Some bloke just rang up and asked, "is it big?"
I said, "Massive."
He said, "How many feet?"
I said, "None, it's a fucking snake you idiot".

[BanditDave]

Today I went to Coles to buy cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.


Apparently it's Coles Law.

[madmax]

Today I went to Coles to buy cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.


Apparently it's Coles Law.

Grandpa joke Dave?

[paul]

Today I went to Coles to buy cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.


Apparently it's Coles Law.

Grandpa joke Dave?

Well there's a Turnip for the books ................ thought you'd like that one MM ................he may not Lettuce hear any more in that case . I suppose some of us see the joke , and others Caesar salad .

[madmax]

Today I went to Coles to buy cabbage - I was told there is a new law that if you buy cabbage from Coles, you're legally required to purchase carrots and mayonnaise as well.


Apparently it's Coles Law.

Grandpa joke Dave?

Well there's a Turnip for the books ................ thought you'd like that one MM ................he may not Lettuce hear any more in that case . I suppose some of us see the joke , and others Caesar salad .

Yeah I did like it, but it's a classic Dad/grandpa joke

[BanditDave]

I'm hard to surprise with jokes and funnies these days but at 66 years of age I had not heard that one previously.

I've probably heard most of them but forgot

I must have lead a very sheltered life unlike MM

I cannot accept credit for any joke that I have heard/told. A but disappointing ay!

However, when I was a teenager someone was describing second hand goods to me. I made the comment that they were "pre-loved"
What's the chances that I was the originator of that term?

[Chook]

Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here!

The cashier at the grocery store asked my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replied, ‘No, just leave it in the carton thanks!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

How do you make a Tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off!

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it!!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na!

[2wheelsagain]

Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here!

The cashier at the grocery store asked my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replied, ‘No, just leave it in the carton thanks!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

How do you make a Tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off!

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it!!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na!

[paul]

It's becoming increasingly obvious , that like a good wine , " dad jokes " can only be appreciated by the mature ( no ..........not old & senile ! ) and well developed sense of humour .................I suppose some of us will just have to wait for the others to catch up .

[Chook]

Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y!

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food here!

The cashier at the grocery store asked my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replied, ‘No, just leave it in the carton thanks!

Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!

How do you make a Tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off!

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it!!

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na!

You'll have to change the thread title before you do that, I stuck to the theme (sick/bad jokes)perfectly I thought

[BanditDave]

[madmax]

[paul]

I don't know,you post one small advert in the local paper, & next thing you know  it shows up everywhere 

[paul]

FACTS
These facts are irrefutable.
A  wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize
that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice,  but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks -
PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing   between
Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.  Men may state their
preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but  it
sounds legit.  A recent study found that women who carry a little
extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

[paul]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

[madmax]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

[Chalkie]

OMG you live dangerously - hope your missus doesn't have access to the forum! If she does, let me know which hospital to visit you.  

[paul]

OMG you live dangerously - hope your missus doesn't have access to the forum! If she does, let me know which hospital to visit you.  

It's all fun and games until Santa reads his naughty list ..................

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