The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

A girl realised that she had grown hair between her legs. 


She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. 


Her mom calmly said, 


"That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." 


The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, 


"My monkey has grown hair." 


Her sister smiled and said, 


"That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

[Chook]

One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly he was Santa Claus.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.  Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[paul]

One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.  One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly he was Santa Claus.  There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.  Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.  Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.  So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[Chook]

On my way to the supermarket, I passed by our local retirement village. 


There on the front lawn there were six old ladies laying naked on the grass. 


I thought this was a bit unusual but continued on my way. 


On my way back, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies still laying naked on the lawn. 


My curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” 


“Yes”, she said, "Aren't they darlings? They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.”

[Chook]

Old Motor !

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said , 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running .'

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery , she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

[paul]

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist

• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about antigravity. I just can't put it down.

• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro: what a rip off!

• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.

[paul]

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

And One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[BanditDave]

Not a Sick/Bad Joke, just a short poem.


WE pensioned off old Blue the dog
when old age got him down
We sent him for company
to old Grandma in the town

But while Granny was elated
Blue still craved the great out doors
and he would roam the town exploring
while old granny did the chores

So it was this Sunday morning
Blue was fossicking about
through the paddocks near the township
on his normal daily scout

When a canine gourmet odour
overpowered his sense of smell
though his eyesight had diminished
his old sniffer still worked well

and the sense of his excitement 
was reposed down by the creek
where a sheep had met his maker
for the best part of a week

For its woolly corpse was spreading
and the air was far from fresh
from this rancid flyblown carcass
with its seething greenish flesh

It was a dogs idea of heaven
and old Blue, he rubbed and rolled
till he ponged just like the sheep did
and with ecstasy extolled

Then an idea formed within him
as he gave a gentle tug
and he found the carcass followed
like a matted lumpy rug

He would take it home for later
it should last a week or two
if he stored it in his kennel
he could keep his prize from view

So he gripped the carcass firmly
proudly into town he went
but his load proved fairly heavy
and old Blues energy soon spent

And the only shade on offer
was the building with the bell
and he dragged his prize towards
with its flies and feral smell

Then the dog and sheep both rested
in the front porch of the church
old Blue looked up the gangway
at the parson on his perch

He was revving up the faithful 
to repent to save their worth
and said satan was the culprit
for all the rotten things on earth

And he roared of fire and brimstone
and redemption for the throng
up the aisle came satans presence
in this godforsaken pong

And they all cried "Hallelujah"
and they fell as one to pray
but by now old Blue was rested
and he hadn't time to stay

He proceeded up the roadway
with the woolly corpse in tow
with a shortcut through the nursing home 
the quickest way to go

Where the matron, in a panic
counted heads in mortal fright
with a smell like that they'd surely lost
a patient through the night

And the members at the bowls club
lowered all their flags half mast
doffed their hats in silence 
for the funeral going past

But old Blue lugged his prize on homewards
travelling past the bowling club
till he took a breather under
the verandah of the pub

There old boozing Bill was resting
sleeping off the night before
to wait the Sunday session
when they opened up the door

When the stench awoke his slumber
which was highly on the nose
and he thought his pickled body
had begun to decompose

And he missed the Sunday session
when he ran home to his wife
to proclaim the shock announcement
he was off the booze for life

Meanwhile Blue could see Gran's gateway
at the far end of the street
so he started up the pavement
with his ripe and tasty treat

But there was movement in the backstreets
as the town dogs sniffed in deep
they broke chains and climbed high fences
for a piece of Blue's dead sheep

And Blue felt the road vibrating
from the stamp of canine feet
as this pack of thirty mongrels 
came advancing up the street

But he wasn't into sharing
so he sought a quick escape
and he spied a nearby building
with a door that stood agape

Through this door he sought asylum
but his presence caused a shriek
for he'd chosen the local deli
that was run by Nick the Greek

And Blue shot beneath a table
where the sheep and he could hide
but the dog pack was relentless
and they followed him inside

Now the table Blue had chosen
was a double booked mistake
with the law enforcement sergeant
sipping coffee on his break

And the sergeant sat bolt upright
with a dog between his feet
and his eyes began to water
from the dead decaying meat

Then the sarge leapt up in horror
but in his haste he slipped and fell
falling down amongst Blue's mutton
with it's all embracing smell

And he lay somewhat bewildered
in the gore, flat on his back
when the mongrel pack descended
in a frenzied dog attack

With first thought self- preservation
from the rows of teeth he faced
the sarge fumbled for his pistol
in it's holster at his waist

There were muffled bangs and yelping
as random shots rang out
and the whine of bouncing bullets
off the brickwork all about

As he blasted in a panic
from beneath the blood and gore
a front window and the drink fridge
were both added to the score

And the cappuccino maker
copped a mortal wound and died
hissing steam, it levitated
falling frothing on it's side

And Nick the Greek, the owner
grabbed a shotgun in his fright
blasting into the confusion
of the frantic canine fight

At short range it wasn't pretty
dogs were plastered on the wall
there was laminex in splinters
clouds of dog hair covered all

Then the smoke detector whistled
with the gunsmoke in the air
which set off the sprinkler system
and a siren gave a blare

And the echoes still were ringing
when beneath the dying heap
there emerged old Blue, still dragging
at the remnants of his sheep

It's head was gone and several legs
but it hadn't lost it's smell
in the armistice that followed
Blue decided not to dwell

He leapt the fence at Grandma's
for his feet had sprouted wings
pure adrenalin propelled him
fleeing dogs and guns and things

Now old Gran had influenza
and had lost her sense of smell
with Blues sheep in the garden 
that was probably just as well

And she looked out from her front fence
at the town in disarray
at the ambulance, police cars
and the rspca as well

Then the fire brigade rushed past her
flashing lights of rosy hue
and she hugged the old dog tightly
he'd protect her would old Blue

You just stay here like a good dog
Grandma told him with a frown
" 'cause you've no idea the trouble
you can get into in town"

[truck]

Your own work BanditDave?

I'm no scholar but it reminds me of an older style of writing poetry - good one!

[paul]

Your own work BanditDave?

I'm no scholar but it reminds me of an older style of writing poetry - good one!

It reminds me of Bob Magor's writings

[BanditDave]

Your own work BanditDave?

I'm no scholar but it reminds me of an older style of writing poetry - good one!

I could probably manage one paragraph but that would be my cultural limit.

[BanditDave]

Your own work BanditDave?

I'm no scholar but it reminds me of an older style of writing poetry - good one!

It reminds me of Bob Magor's writings

Who's Bob Magor?

Probably before my time

[Chook]

Who's Bob Magor?

Probably before my time

x 2

[paul]

You lot need to get out more 

http://www.wolfweb.com.au/acd/blueandsheep.htm

http://www.bobmagor.com.au/

http://www.bobmagor.com.au/books---audio.html

[paul]

Your own work BanditDave?

I'm no scholar but it reminds me of an older style of writing poetry - good one!

It reminds me of Bob Magor's writings

Who's Bob Magor?

Probably before my time

You wish ................

[paul]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
 
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the
10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position,
at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
 
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I  used to be an Olympic diving champion.
You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
 
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath
He said, 'That was incredible!  Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the river!!

[Chook]

After Daylight Saving Time ended 
I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend. 
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. 
I said to him, 
“You idiot! 
You're supposed to turn your clock back!”.

[paul]

[Chook]

One for the wine lovers


Just reading  today that winemakers have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
The aim is to reduce the number of trips to the bathroom that older people have to make during the night.
They're going to call it, "Pinot More".


I heard it through the grapevine.

[Chook]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. 

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. 

Arlene : What in the hell is that? 

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. 

Arlene : Where did you get it? 

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore. 

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. 

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. 


'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' 


The pharmacist fainted

[truck]

This may not be the right thread to post this but I am deleting the following people in this group as they do not contribute information or have not posted in more than 3 months.
Kendra Pertilla
Reida Nichols
Irene Dennen
Rachel Brantley
Jivenia Porter
Renee Simpkins
Andrea Bogle
Danni Smith
Vicky Cumming
Marica Dickert
Elmira Chouinard
Danielle Grimes
Deonna Foerster
Lorean Rothschild
Lucille Delariva
Nora Wohlers
Shoshana Kozak
Bari Strous
Douglass Houser
Leonarda Otero
Jamie Jenkins
Kaleigh Didonna
Lyndon Lanclos
Renata Schillaci
Lisa Arrigo
Willie Makeit
Yelena Dunnam
Rena Lawhead
Quinn Sines
Jeanmarie Cabaniss
Keena Prado
Hannah Hoover
Noemi Repp
Eliz Timbers
Melina Avallone
Virginia Mccomb
Kory Demery
Amberly Toole
Lanell Slaton
Murray Casperson
Luna Barrio
Vashti Magnes
James Matthenson
Kathryne Philips
Emma nomore
Eileen Machin
Lillie Mull
Tanika Morris
Seema Keough
Reatha Poche
Gwenn Seip
Ricardo Ferriera
Liana Dunston
Nelly Niemann
Jessie Lininger
Annis Nevers
Brittany Blatter
Justin Time
Reida Nichols
Irene Dennen
Rachel Brantley
Russel Paypa
Renee Simpkins
Andrea Bogle
Marica Dickert
Elmira Chouinard
Danielle Grimes
Deonna Foerster
Lorean Rothschild
Nola Dick
Lucille Delariva
Nolan Wohlers
Shoshana Kozak
Bari Strous
Donna Houser
Leonarda Otero
Kaleigh Didonna
Lyndon Lanclos
Renata Schillaci
Lisa Arrigo
Charlotte Calvin
Yelena Dunnam
Ronna Lawhead
Quinn Sines
Jeanmarie Cabaniss
Keena Prado
Hanhah Hoover
Noemi Repp
Eliz Timbers
Melina Avallone
Virginia Mccomb
Kory Demery
Amberly Toole
Lanell Slaton
Murray Casperson
Leonardo Barrio
Vashti Magnes
Kathryne Philips
Mahalia Smallwood
Eileen Machin
Lillie Mull
Tanika Morris
Seema Keough
Reatha Poche
Gwenn Seip
Kendra Pertilla
Reida Nichols
Irene Dennen
Rachel Brantley
Jivenia Porter
Renee Simpkins
Andrea Bogle
Vicky Cumming
Marica Dickert
I am not an admin and have no authority to remove anyone. 
I have no clue who these people are. 
I stole this from another page and thought it was funny.

[Chook]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" 

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" 

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. 

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. 

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" 

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. 
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[Chook]

A farmer drove to a neighbour’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. 


"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. 


"No, they went to town." 


"How about your brother Howard, is he here?" 


"No, he went with mum and dad." 


The farmer stood there for a couple of minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow any, or I can send dad a message." 


"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad,about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant." 


The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the boar, 

but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

[madmax]

A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-piolet that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beatiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."

[Chook]

A young waitress a few days into a job at a truckers stop serves a truckie. He says, "I want three flat tyres, two headlights and two running boards" 
She goes into the kitchen with the order and asks the cook if the trucker thinks the place is an auto-parts shop. The cook replies, 
"No. He wants three pancakes, two eggs sunny side up and two pieces of bacon." 
The young waitress leaves the order with the cook and then prepares a plate of baked beans and delivers it to the truckie. 
He says "This is not what I ordered?" 
She replies, "I know. But I thought while you are waiting for your order, you may as well gas up."

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