The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

The Boss was in a quandry. HE had to fire somebody. 

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decission they were both super workers. 

Rather than flip a coin , he deciced he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. 

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night.She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. 

The Boss approached her and said,"Debra I've never had to say this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." 

..."Could you jack off?"she says."I feel like shit today".

[madmax]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"

[madmax]

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing.

"How come you're not crying today," asks the boy.

"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want."

[Chook]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. 

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" 
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" 

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. 

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. 

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" 

Harry: "9". 

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" 

Harry: "36". 

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. 

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." 

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. 

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" 

Harry, after a moment: "Legs." 

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! 

Harry replied: "Pockets." 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" 
Harry: "Pants" 

Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? 

Harry: "Coconut." 

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. 

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. 

Harry: "Bubble gum" 

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" 

Harry: "Shake hands." 

The principal was trembling. 

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" 

Harry: "Firetruck" 

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

[paul]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven! 

They both die on the same day and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down,
then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'
Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. 
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'
'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair - No Matter How Big They Are.

[paul]

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
You can't beat Chinese Doctors

[paul]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. 

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'. 

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. 
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.' 

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. 
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.' 

She hears the little boy continue, 

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.' 

As the mother began to smile, the child added.......... 

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.' 

[paul]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. 

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher. 

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher. 

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'. 

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.” 

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. 

'Well okay,' said the teacher. 

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off” 

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat. 

'Okay,' said the teacher. 

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F#^*ing Asians!” 

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone. 

“Pauline Hanson!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday!!!!” 

[paul]

CARDIOLOGIST
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired
or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic,
“Try doing it with the engine running."

[Chook]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly wound in the middle. 

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her tom cat. 

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look."That sure is a nice fire truck,"the fire fighter says with admiration. 

"Thanks," the girl says. 
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the tom cat's testicles . 

"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." 

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "Your probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

[Chook]

After paul's little Lotto result mishap, I thought I'd share this one to make him feel better








A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. 

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." 

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. 

She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." 

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. 

Once again, she prays. "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car, children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... 

GOD says to her, "Sweetheart, work with ME on this one . Buy a ticket."

[paul]

[paul]

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Logic!!

_____________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
_____________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

_____________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O
______________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as 
your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, It's the same dog.

___________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when 
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

[paul]

A little Catholic sense of humour. 


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. 
I have been with a loose girl.' 

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.' 

'And who was the girl you were with?' 

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 
'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. 



Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.' 

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 

'I'll never tell.' 

'Was it Nina Capelli?' 

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 

'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 

'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?' 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' 

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, 
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to 
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now 
for 4 months. Now you go and 
behave yourself.' 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 



'What'd you get ?' 

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[truck]

A man is in hospital for stomach problems when he suddenly gets diarrhea and messes the bed.
Panicking, the man folds the sheet with the poo wrapped in it and throws it out the window.

The sheet lands on a man walking by beneath the window.

The man wrestles a little with the sheet and the poop comes flowing out.


Another man walks by and asks him what he's doing.

"Damn,you'll never believe me," he replies. "But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!


(certain words have been edited to align with my religious views   )

[paul]

(certain words have been edited to align with my religious views   )

Probably just as well , ..................I may not have understood it if it had swear words in it 

[truck]

(certain words have been edited to align with my religious views   )

Probably just as well , ..................I may not have understood it if it had swear words in it 

Thanks paul, I thought it was funny and thought it may have lost some of the impact.

[Chook]

A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
“If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs,
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did”.
"Well then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Qantas always pulls out on time, and ask her to explain that to you."

[Chook]

Sex in the Shower


In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut, as it happens), people from Liverpool in England have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!


In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

[paul]

I Nearly Became A Doctor
 
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
 
One of the questions asked was to rearrange the
letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part
which is most useful when erect.
 
Those who answered spine are doctors today.  The rest of us are sending

jokes via email.            

[paul]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger
than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother :

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Chook]

[Chook]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. 


Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. 


The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. 


Here are some extracts.............................. 




We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. 
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
She stood before me, trembling in my shed. 
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” 
So I took her to Bunnings. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot. 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. 
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. 
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.” 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“I'm a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” 
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?” 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat. 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 
“I think so,” I gulped. 
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 
“Very well,” I replied. “You've got a fat arse and no dress sense.” 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I'm done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. 
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” 
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.




______________
If we don't believe in tomorrow where do we go ....................................................

[paul]

You haven't been spying around my house have you ? 

[paul]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes and said "I'd like to buy some cyanide." 
The pharmacist asked "Why in the world would you need cyanide ?" 
The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband." 
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "Lord have mercy !
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law.
I'll lose my license ! They'll throw both of us in jail ! Absolutely not !
All kinds of bad things will happen. You CANNOT have any cyanide.
Just get a divorce !" 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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