The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[madmax]

OMG you live dangerously. Do women you know read these? I'd dust off that cricket box again LOL 

Nah all safe mate

[Chook]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, 
then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth... 
in and out...in and out ... 
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed ... 
then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. 
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, 
"OK, OK! 
I CAN'T park the bloody car! 
You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[BanditDave]

An Irishman walks into a railway station and presents himself at the ticket counter.
“I’d like a return ticket,” he says.
“Where to?”
“To here!” says the Irishman.

[Chook]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, 
'What are you doing?" 
She answers."I'm moving to Sydney.I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for free." 
Later that night,on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, "I'm coming to , I want to see how you live on $800 a year"






---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. 

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue. 

"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes" 

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f*cking ar$ehole!!!!!!!!

[madmax]

[Chook]

A nun gets into a cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."

[truck]

I may not be the most talented, the most intelligent, most athletic body, best looking guy or the most humorous guy in the room but . . . . I forgot where I was going with this.

[madmax]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team recently fired their entire pit crew.

The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some idle youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team, as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the young pit crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 4 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for 8 slabs of beer, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's girlfriend in the shower!!...

[Chook]

[Chook]

Two Irishmen Paddy and Mick are having a drink and watching the football around Mick's house. At full time Paddy gets up to go home but notices it is pissing down with rain outside.

"Stay the night here Paddy," says Mick. "I'll go and make up a bed for you."

When Mick comes back down the stairs Paddy is drenched to the bone.

Mick says,"What the happened to you?"

Paddy replies, "I went home for my pyjamas."

[Chook]

4 pints of Foreign blood!!!!!

Fred has been in hospital for a major operation.

When he comes round three days later in hospital the surgeon says:
"I've got good news and bad news.....
.........the bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood".

Fred screams, "What the hell is the good news then?"
"Your penis is six inches longer and you are top of the housing list."

[madmax]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, "Connie....Connie. "
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex
twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."
"Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

[paul]

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe,  near  Transylvania .

They  drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.

It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail.

   The car swerves and smashes into a tree..

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.    Dazed, he looks
over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her
head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside,
Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her
up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while,
he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming
from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A small, hunched man opens the door..
Bob blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty.
We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been
Seriously hurt.   Can I please use your phone?"


"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.
My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in.




An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may
have misled you. I am not a medical doctor;   I am a scientist.  
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do.
Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs,
with Bob following closely.   Igor places Betty on a table in
the lab.  Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries,
so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.
Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

 

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly.
Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
which houses his grand piano. It is here that he
has always found solace and he begins to play.
A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.
His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers
on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting
piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins
to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as
Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs
to the conservatory.   He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master!
The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"


( feel free to groan if you feel you must )

[Chook]

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. 

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." 

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2014 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." 

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." 

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!" 
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[Chook]

Climbing into bed last night ........
 

 
 
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk". 
 
I said, "How do you know?"
 
She said, "You live next door.”

[madmax]

Climbing into bed last night ........
 

 
 
As I was getting in bed, she said, "You’re drunk". 
 
I said, "How do you know?"
 
She said, "You live next door.”

What your neighbour look like Chook???

[madmax]

Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)
1 cup sugar,
half pound butter,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1......bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit
4 cups self raising flour.
Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the
bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the Vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the fekin window. Finish of the Vodka and wipe the counter with the fekin cat.

[madmax]

[paul]

   Hopefully that's not Chook's neighbour   

[Chook]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new
arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolours."

"That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"






"Well, just one," said the golfer, "Every time I get an erection I also get a headache."

[Re-Cycled]

I'm sure some of you sickos will have missed these classics.

[paul]

Carol, a blonde Perth girl, marries a WA dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the cowshed.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the paddocks.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the shed. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[paul]

Bagpipes  

 
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service fora homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
 
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
 
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
 
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my
heart was full.
 
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[BanditDave]

[madmax]

I'm sure some of you sickos will have missed these classics.

This fool is actually one of the guys from work. Thankfully I don't work with him

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