The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor, "Can I start having sex?"*
The doctor replies, "Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!"*

[Chook]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 



Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.



 

'Where's my toast?'
















An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

[Chook]

A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'








Young Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. A man who was sitting opposite him watched him finish six of them off.
The man pointed out to Johnny, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you!"
Johnny then replied, "My Grandad lived to be one hundred and five."
"Did he eat lots of chocolate bars at once?" asked the man.
"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own damn business!"

[Chook]

Important facts to remember as we grow older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world

#8 Life is sexually transmitted

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die

#6 Men have only 2 motives:
   Hunger and Hanky Panky and they cannot tell them apart, if you see a gleam in his eyes then make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you fee them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, possibly even months or years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather -It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please enjoy this wisdom - I have to go to the bathroom in a hurry.

[Chook]

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

[truck]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth, the Doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms
or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he  can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where an RV runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."

[Bosco15]

Bahaha!!! Bloody cracker. 8-)

[Chook]

I was served by a gorgeous young lady at the supermarket checkout this afternoon.
As I was about to pay she gave me a sexy smile & said "Strip down, facing me." Excited, I did as she demanded.
As I removed my clothes the screaming & laughter got louder.
When I took my undies off security grabbed me, covered my privates & marched me off.
Apparently "Strip down, facing me" meant how I was supposed to swipe my Visa card

[madmax]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Welsh cakes wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite Welsh cakes.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.
"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


This is how bad immigration is getting.

I walked into my local corner shop wondering if I could pay by my card and all I said was "Visa?"

The fucking twat ran off!..

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a Bakery,
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them in his pocket & walks out the shop,
he then says to paddy, that took great skill to steal those buns the owner never even noticed.
Paddy looked at him in discust and said that is plain theft, if you want some buns there is a honest way of getting them for free.
Go on then said the Englishman, lets see how you do it.
So they go back in the shop, and paddy calls over the owner.
Sir, I want to show you a bit of magic.
The owner is intrigued and say go on then lets see your magic.
Right says paddy
Pass me two of those buns,
the owner does so and paddy eats them.
The owner says so where is the magic.
Paddy says I need another bun or I can't make it work.
The owner is now getting a bit pissed off but gives him another bun.
to which Paddy again eats and starts to walk out the shop.
The owner is fuming and says so where the hell is the magic.
Paddy turns round and says.
Look in the Englishman's pocket...

[truck]

Two guys are sitting at the bar.

One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike's dead."

"Whoa! What happened to him?"

"Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go! That's terrible."

"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!"

"No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off."

"What a horrible death!"

"No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it."

"What an ugly way to die!"

"No no, he even survives *that*, then he..."

"Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?"

"I shot him."

"You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[truck]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. 
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious," the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

[truck]

The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life

---

1.
2.
3.

[paul]

The Three Unwritten Rules Of Life

---

1.
2.
3.

[paul]

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery.
 
Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. 

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman." 

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners.  As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."

[Chook]

Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?

Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.

[truck]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident and invincible male he . . .

No wait  . . . hang on . . . Sorry. . . I'm thinking of whiskey. . . It's whiskey that does all that.

Never mind.

[madmax]

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident and invincible male he . . .

No wait  . . . hang on . . . Sorry. . . I'm thinking of whiskey. . . It's whiskey that does all that.

Never mind.

[Chook]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no
paper on this side either!"

[madmax]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[madmax]

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labour in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another one to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern... It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"..

[Chook]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene ?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer, who provided this description ?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers ?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'
Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'
The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[truck]

^^^ Good One!!

A guy goes to a proctologist ...

 and says "Doc, I'm feeling a bit uncomfortable down below. Would you take a look?"

He does. "Incredible!" He exclaims. "There's a $20 note lodged there." He eases it out with some forceps, and immediately a $10 note appears. "This is amazing", he says. "What do you want me to do?"

"Yeah, well take it out, please, doc, would you?"

He does, and notes continue to appear one after the other, all of which he removes. Finally there are no more.

"Ah, Thanks, doc, I'm feeling much more comfortable now. Out of interest, just how much was there all together?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "Exactly $1990."

"Ah," replies the guy. That explains it......

 "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

[madmax]

An Arizona Highw:)ay Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He starts the stop by asking the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer, in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[madmax]

Apparently they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a Man asking a Woman how her day was...

[Chalkie]

OMG you live dangerously. Do women you know read these? I'd dust off that cricket box again LOL 

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