The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

One for every day 

MONDAY 

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' 
 
TUESDAY 

A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. 

He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a 

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The Vicar said, 

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The Vicar said, 'No shit?' 
 
WEDNESDAY 

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.' 
 
THURSDAY 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. 

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence. 

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' 
 
FRIDAY 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane . 

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germ s in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 

'Wedding Cake.' 
 
SATURDAY 

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every w ord. His mates at the club are all aghast. 

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' 

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' 

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' 

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.' 
 
SUNDAY 

A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland . 

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through 

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. 

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' 

She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?' 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[Re-Cycled]

Saturday is clever!

[paul]

Romance isn't dead................


A bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was

beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?"

He says, "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee

table later when I'm drunk."

[Chook]

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. 

"Would you like male or female?" 

"Female,please." 

"Would you like black,or white?" 

"White please." 

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?" 

This question confused the man so he asked, "What has religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" 

"Well," explained the assistant , " the Muslim one blows itself up.'

[Chook]

Q:What do you call a woman on the arm of a Collingwood supporter? 










A: TATTOO

[Chook]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. 


They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. 

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is 
galvanised when she hears one of them say the following: 


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come 

togetta. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come togetta again. 

I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." 



"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," 

retorted the lady indignantly. 

"In this country.......we don't speak aloud in 

public places about our sex lives........" 



"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. 

"Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 


'Mississippi'."

[paul]

Kiddie humour



NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new pupil handed his teacher a note from his mother.
It read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .....'



the Sauce
A woman was trying hard to get the HP sauce out of the bottle.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone..
'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you at the moment, she's hitting the bottle.


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the woman's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with sheilas grabbing towels and running for cover. 
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked,
'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the police station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got in the back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?



ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers Meals on Wheels, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, simmers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
She merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his dinner jacket, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'



DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wool , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
(I want this line used at my funeral!)

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'



BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!’

[paul]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

 

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing.

 

Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

 

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

 

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"

 

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

 

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

[Chook]

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.” 

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”. Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark. 

“Noah”, He roared, “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” 

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “But things have changed. I needed a 
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. 
My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to VCAT for a decision. 
Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. 
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go! When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. 
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. 
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. 
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience. 
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. 
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish 
this Ark.” 

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. 

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?”. 

“No," said the Lord, “The government beat me to it.”

[Chook]

A lady goes into a Centrelink to fill out her forms.. 
How many children asks?"the Centrelink worker 
"10" replies Shazza. 
"10"!?"says the Centrelink worker..."What are their names?" 
"Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne,Wayne and Wayne" 
"Doesn't that get confusing?" 
"Nah..." says Shazza"it's great because if they are out playing in the street Ijust have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNER'S READY or WAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." 
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed Centrelink worker. 
"That's easy ," says Shazza................ 
"I just use their surnames.

[Chook]

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl. 
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. 
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek. 
No one speaks. 
The old lady thinks: That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek. 
The blonde thinks: That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek. 
The Kiwi thinks: That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead. 
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that Kiwi again.

[Chook]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood,
a new BMW, diamonds and US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds and money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street ..."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins"

[Chook]

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, 
his elbow goes into her breast. 
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, 
I know you'll forgive me.' 
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'

[paul]

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner 
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.



The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.



They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.



They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.



The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.



The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.



Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.



They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.


And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --



Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[Chook]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. 
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. 
"Well," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when on a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. While we were looking for our balls, I noticed one of the cows had something in its rear end. I walked over and lifted the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake." 

"What did you do?" Asks the doctor. 
"Well, I was lifting the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!" 
"I don't remember much after that"!

[paul]

[Chook]

Little Johnny returns from school, and is confused. He has a question for homework, and doesn't know how to answer it. So he goes into the living room to find his dad. 

"Dad, I need some help with my homework." 
"Sure son, what is it?" 
Well, dad, I have to find out the difference between "potential" and "reality"." 
"Ok", says the father, "here's what you do. Ask you mother if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars." 
So little Johnny goes off to find his mum, and he asks her that very question. 
He returns to his dad, who asks, "what did she say?" 
"She said yes, she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars". 

"Righto", says the father,"now ask your sister if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." 
Little Johnny goes off to his sister's bedroom, and asks her the same question again. He returns to the living room, and his dad asks, "well, son,what did your sister say?" 
"She said yes, too, dad." 

"OK", the dad replies, and then says,"now ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." 
Little Johnny is taken aback by this request, but his dad assures him to ask his brother. He does, and returns to the living room with his answer. 
The father confidently askes,"so, son, what did your brother say?" 
"Yeah, dad, he said he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars". 

"Right, son, there's your answer", states the dad. 
Lilttle Johnny is more confused than when he started. "I don't get it, dad." 

The dad then explains:"Son, potentially, this house could have three million dollars. But in reality, we live with two sluts and a poofter."

[Chook]

A woman goes to the Doctor worried about her husband's temper.
 
The Doctor asks, "What's the  problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do.
Every day my husband seems to lose his                      
temper for no reason. It scares me."
 
The Doctor says, "I have a cure for that.
When it seems that your husband is getting angry,
just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but
 don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or calms down."
 
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor,
looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says, "Doctor that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"
 
The Doctor says, "The water itself does nothing. It's
keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."

[Bosco15]

Nice one. 
I laughed aloud at the glass of water joke. 
Told it to the wife, when she asked what I was laughing at, and got a punch in the arm for it. 

[paul]

Nice one. 
I laughed aloud at the glass of water joke. 
Told it to the wife, when she asked what I was laughing at, and got a punch in the arm for it. 

You're a brave man Bosco...............or a masochist 

[gazzar]

[Chook]

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small, twin-engine aircraft. A moment later, the tower land-line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot, who had lost communications, was on a cellular phone and yelling "Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! The pilot just had an instant and fatal heart attack. 
I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket, because he told me, before we took off, that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. 
I’m flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph...Mayday! Mayday!" The tower had put him on speaker phone immediately.



"Calm down. We acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic—remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet?

Aircraft: I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me.

Tower: Okay, that’s good. Remain calm. How do you know you’re travelling at 180 mph?

Aircraft: I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me.

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?

Aircraft: The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!

[paul]

[Chook]

Life's Demerit System
All married men will attest to some real wisdom in this email... In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a non-exhaustive guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillows. (-10)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-3)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8 )
But return with Jack Daniels. (-5)

PROTECTIVE DUTIES
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet Schnauzer. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side for the entire party. (+1)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend. (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-40)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+5)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans. (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-80)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You give any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (+2)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

[madmax]

Shit! no wonder I ended up with a score of -20,000

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