The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

The Aussie Wedding Night.
You can't get more romantic than this!
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

[Chook]

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list Of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realised Grandma had a prescription for birth control Pills...........

"Mrs. Smith, do you realise these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks .......

And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

You gotta Love Grandmas.

[paul]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some advice to his granddaughter.He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of Gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. 

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
__________________

[paul]

Daddy long legs


A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. 

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden' she said.

[paul]

BEING ASSERTIVE
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled "You Can Be THE Man of Your House".
He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced "From now on I’m running this show, and my word’ll be law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating it, you’ll serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner you’re going upstairs with me, and we’ll have any kind of sex that I choose ! Afterwards, you’re going to run me a relaxing bath. You’ll wash my back, towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ?".
The wife replied "The f...ing undertaker would be my first guess !".

[paul]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio: 1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator -  'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' 2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.' 3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!' 4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.' 5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold   Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??' 6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.' 7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard! 8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.' 9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. ' 10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.' 11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'   12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

[Chook]

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' 
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[Chook]

What deep thinkers men are ... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing’.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what’.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. 
Time for another beer.

[paul]

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?' The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?' One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A talking pig!'

[Chook]

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He was afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the car park, I realized he was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:…………."I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?” he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent………. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, …. "I will, as soon as I convince this police officer that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the silver years...

[Chook]

[madmax]

Since when???

[paul]

Since when???

 Maybe ............"live performance " may have been the correct answer 

[Chook]

[paul]

Lucky it wasn't the " aerosol " type then    ( very old Hale & Pace sketch done in a Swedish accent LOL )

[Chook]

My wife and I went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior 
citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. 
So Elaine (my wife) called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket 
and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Tony Abbott stickers.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
Its so important at our age!!

[paul]

[gazzar]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

[gazzar]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[aussie]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. 

The curator of the gallery realised that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. 

He went on for over half-an-hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'. 

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. 

'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied. 

'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. 

The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'

[paul]

I seem to be getting sent a lot of stuff about " Arseholes " sent to me lately .............not sure if someone is trying to tell me something , or I'm being propositioned     .
Anyhow here is another oldie , but a goodie 

 
Subject: FW: Rectum Stretcher
 






>
>
>
>
> While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman
>
> passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun
>
> on the other side lying in wait.
>
> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with
>
> that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s 
> your hurry?”
>
> To which she replied, “I'm late for work.”
>
> “Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
>
> “I'm a rectum stretcher” she responded.
>
> The cop stammered, “A what”????
>
> “A rectum stretcher!”
>
> “And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
>
> “Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, 
> then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my 
> whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and 
> then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet”
>
> “And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked
>
> “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge”
>
>
>
> Traffic Ticket $398.00
>
> Court Costs $45.00
>
> Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
>
> For everything else, there’s MasterCard
>

[paul]

Not so politically correct ....................


My new afro neighbor popped his head over the fence today and said,
“Hey bro, what’s going down?” I said, “The value of my fucking house !”

__________________________________________________

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for
poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”
__________________________________________________

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learnt English, didn’t claim benefits,
had his own fucking bike and wanted to go home!
__________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked
my wife after only five cans!”
__________________________________________________


I was shagging this sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” . . .thinking back,
I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
__________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for
punching the fuck out of this bloke at a party. In my defence... when you hear
an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
__________________________________________________

What’s the difference between a black fella and a park bench?
A park bench can support a family.

Why are aspirins white? Because they work.

How does every ethnic joke start? With a look over your shoulder.
__________________________________________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I rooted a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
__________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think
about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
__________________________________________________

[Chook]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
 
"Hello Sarge."
 
"Yes."
 
"It looks like we have a homicide here. "
 
"What happened?"
                                                 
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
 
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
 
"No sir. The floor is still wet. "

[gazzar]

So, there I was, walking through the mall, when I saw that there was a “Muslim Book Store.” I was wondering what exactly was in a “Muslim book store” so I went on in.
I was wandering around taking a look and the clerk stopped me asked if he could help me - I imagine I didn’t look like his normal clientele.
So I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.
The Clerk said, “Fuck off, get out, and stay out !”
I said, “Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?”

[paul]

Do you ever wonder who loves you? Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure? There is a way to find out and have peace of mind and it only takes one hour.

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a couple of beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

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