The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paraolympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel! 

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead .

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!’

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" 

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor. 

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[madmax]

Oh! boy are you going to get in trouble

[paul]

Oh! boy are you going to get in trouble

Shh ! ............don't tell Sue , she thinks I'm perfect , and there is no saying what it would do to her 

[paul]

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, ?You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, ?Thanks?, and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

[paul]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'


Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

[Chook]

A bloke moved to a small country town at the urging of his doctor. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man and asked ...
"My doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?"
The neighbour replied "It sure is! When I first arrived here, I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head and I didn't have the strength to walk across a room. I had to be lifted out of bed."
The new guy said "That's wonderful! How long have you been here?
The neighbour replied ..................... "I was born here."

[mstrrab1992]

Everyone wanna hear a joke about a young blondes pussy? 





Dont worry, none of youse will get it.  

[Chook]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, ‘Pierre, kiss me!’
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie’s lips.
‘What are you doing, Pierre ?’ says the startled Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!’
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, ‘Pierre, kiss me lower.’
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
‘Pierre! What are you doing now?’ asks the bewildered Marie.
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!’
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, ‘Pierre, kiss me much lower!’
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap.
He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.
Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, ‘PIERRE , WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?’
Our ‘hero’ stands and says defiantly,
‘I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!’

[paul]

A woman had been a prostitute for 4 years and was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night, So, she decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught it when climbing over a farmer's fence .

After 10 minutes in bed with her, he asked, just how far across the paddock were you,before you realised it was caught!.

[Bosco15]

A woman had been a prostitute for 4 years and was worried about the size of her vagina on her wedding night, So, she decided to tell her newly wed husband that she had caught it when climbing over a farmer's fence .

After 10 minutes in bed with her, he asked, just how far across the paddock were you,before you realised it was caught!.

Gold, Paul. Gold! 

[paul]

I'm fine! 



A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. 

He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. 


In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was 

questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 

'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. 



Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. 

I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 

'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene 

of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' 

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and 

I was drivin' down da road...'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 

'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the 

scene of the accident, this man told the police on the 

scene that he was fine. 

Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue 

my client. I believe he is a fraud. 

Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's 

answer and said to the solicitor: 

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, 

Bessie'. 


Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, 

into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge 

Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and 

hit me trailer right in da side. 

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. 

By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. 

However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. 

I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. 

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. 

He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over 

to her. 

After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun 

and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, 

looked at me, and said, 



'How are you feelin?' 





'Now wot da foock would you say? '
__________________

[Chook]

As USA gets closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time Hilary had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky.......................

And Monica blew it.

[Chook]

A Coast Guard patrol boat stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Sydney
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading Australia!"
The crew of the destroyer all start laughing.
When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts; "We're the last four. The rest are already there!

[madmax]

A Coast Guard patrol boat stops four Muslims in a row boat, rowing towards Sydney
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?"
One of the Muslims stands up and shouts, "We are invading Australia!"
The crew of the destroyer all start laughing.
When the captain finally stops laughing, he gets on the loud hailer and says, "Just the four of you?"
The Muslim stands up again and shouts; "We're the last four. The rest are already there!

That would be funny if it wasn't so true.

[Chook]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me. Do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and he asks "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and futhy bwack wabbit or, maybe, one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, and puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers....................
" I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a phuk!"

[paul]

[SVDon]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[paul]

 reasons a motorcycle is better than a woman .( present company exempted )


Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles.
Motorcycles' curves never sag.
Motorcycles last longer.
Motorcycles don't get pregnant.
You can ride a Motorcycle at any time of the month.
Motorcycles don't have parents.
Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up.
You can share your Motorcycle with your friends.
If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is really worn.
If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden.
When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time.
Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have.
Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines.
New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them.
If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it.
If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks.
If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it.
You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle.
You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle.
You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle.
You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals.
If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again.
You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.
Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it.
Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride.
Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider.
Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles.
Motorcycles don't care if you are late.
You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle.
It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle.
If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts.
You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well.

When you're done riding your motorcycle you can just get off it.
You don't have to take your motorcycle to dinner to get a ride on it.
You can leave your motorcycle out in the garage and it won't complain about the cold.
You can ignore your motorcycle and it won't ask why.
Your motorcycle won't ask where you've been in your car.
Your motorcycle won't look at the grease on your collar and ask where you got it from.
Your motorcycle won't sniff suspiciously at the petrol fumes when you've been riding another motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't complain if they're insufficiently lubricated, they just don't go quite as fast.
When you finish riding your motorcycle you feel like getting on again straight afterwards.
You can drop your motorcycle and pick it right up again
If the seat doesn't match your preferences you can get a custom one reasonable cheaply
Having a really loud motorcycle can be good.
Having an oversized motorcycle can be good.
You can ride your motorcycle in public.
You can flirt with girls when you're with your motorcycle.

Motorcycles don't mind you wearing your boots while riding.
Motorcycles don't mind you leaving them with other strange motorcycles.
Motorcycles like riding in groups.
Motorcycles like racing. The one who gets there first IS the winner.
It is always good when you’re with your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't need commitment, they just need petrol.
If your motorcycle dies, you can just get a new one.
If your motorcycle isn't working, you can always borrow your mate's.
If you see a girl riding a motorcycle you don't have to worry

You only need to ride your motorcycle in one position
Your motorcycle doesn't complain when riding in the back of the truck.
Motorcycles are recyclable
Your motorcycle still looks the same after two beers.
Riding strange motorcycles without coverage is perfectly safe.

When you fart on your Motorcycle, it doesn't care.
The darkies a Motorcycle leaves behind always smell great.
A Motorcycle never leaves a wet spot you have to sleep on.
A Motorcycle always wants to go faster.
Motorcycles never have headaches.
Motorcycles are never too tired to ride 
Motorcycles don't kick you outta bed when it's time to wake up.
When your Motorcycle hiccups, you REALLY ARE concerned.
When you goose your Motorcycle, it wheelies.
When you get sick of your Motorcycle, you can sell it.
Motorcycles are cheap to keep (unless you have a Ducati).
Motorcyles always pump that adrenaline, even on a bad day.
Motorcyles don't ask you to cook dinner.
Two can ride a motorcycle in public and people don't stare.
You don't have to prove to your motorcycle that you like your motorcycle.
Motorcycles always trust you - no matter what.
You don't mind if others love your motorcycle, too.
You don't mind if others want to ride your motorcycle.
Motorcycles don't smell bad when they get dirty.
You don't have to pay alimony/child support to your ex-motorcycle.
Motorcycles improve when you bore 'em and stroke'em.!
When you spend money on your motorcycle to improve its looks, it works.
Motorcycles only try to kill you while you're awake.
__________________

[paul]

A road crew supervisor in southern Ontario hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of highway 10 heading up toward Wasaga Beach. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background; however, he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie-Jane, told him so.
 
He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.
 
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.
 
On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.
 
On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem.
 
"On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Herb?"
 

"Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can."

[paul]

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, 
drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.


The woman said she would try her best.


God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking 
but then I bent over the lounge suite 
and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, 
he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side 
and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven", said God.

The woman replied: 
"They're not too happy about it in Harvey Norman either!"

[2wheelsagain]

[paul]

This morning I went to Centrelink to sign my dogs up for welfare benefits.
The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible for benefits."

So, I explained to her that my dogs are coloured, unemployed,
bone lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their fathers are.
They expect me to feed them, and provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first cheques next Friday. 
Bugger me, this Australia is a great country!

[paul]

Imagine if you were an agnostic dyslexic insomniac.

You'd be laying awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

[Chook]

A man walks into a Zoo, 

The only animal in the entire  Zoo is a Dog, it's a Shitzu.

[paul]

A man walks into a Zoo, 

The only animal in the entire  Zoo is a Dog, it's a Shitzu.

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