The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[Chook]

Difficult things to say when you're drunk 



Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk... 

a) Innovative 

b) Preliminary 

c) Proliferation 

d) Cinnamon 


Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk... 

a) Specificity 

b) British Constitution 

c) Passive-aggressive disorder 

d) Transubstantiate 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk... 

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you. 

b) Nope, no more booze for me. 

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type. 

d) No kebab for me, thank you. 

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? 

f) I'm not interested in fighting you. 

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing. 

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool. 

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street. 

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[Chook]

2 Victorians and 1 South Aussie were walking down the beach when they found a magic bottle, they picked it up and there was a genie in it. 

The genie said to them you can have 1 wish each. 

the first Victorian said I want all the Victorians home in Victoria and everyone else to leave. 

The 2nd Victorian thought for a while then said I want a huge wall built right around victoria so no one can get in and no one can get out. 

The South Aussie thought for a while and said fill it up with water genie, fill it up.

[madmax]

2 Victorians and 1 South Aussie were walking down the beach when they found a magic bottle, they picked it up and there was a genie in it. 

The genie said to them you can have 1 wish each. 

the first Victorian said I want all the Victorians home in Victoria and everyone else to leave. 

The 2nd Victorian thought for a while then said I want a huge wall built right around victoria so no one can get in and no one can get out. 

The South Aussie thought for a while and said fill it up with water genie, fill it up.

Hello MODS, Hello Mods, This post is offensive please delete

Thank fuck I can call myself a West Australian when the need arises

[Bosco15]

A bloke walks into a bar. His head is the size of an orange.  
After pouring his beer, the barman can't contain his curiosity.  
"What's with your head, mate, it's the size of an orange? "

" Well. I was walking along the beach,  when I found a bottle with a Genie in it. She was smoking hot. She said that I could have one wish and only one wish." Said the bloke.  

"I thought long and hard about my one wish, bearing in mind that this was one sexy Genie."

" Finally I said 'I wouldn't mind a little head.' "

Boom. Tish.

[Chook]

2 Victorians and 1 South Aussie were walking down the beach when they found a magic bottle, they picked it up and there was a genie in it. 

The genie said to them you can have 1 wish each. 

the first Victorian said I want all the Victorians home in Victoria and everyone else to leave. 

The 2nd Victorian thought for a while then said I want a huge wall built right around victoria so no one can get in and no one can get out. 

The South Aussie thought for a while and said fill it up with water genie, fill it up.

Hello MODS, Hello Mods, This post is offensive please delete

Thank fuck I can call myself a West Australian when the need arises

My now 21yo son came home with that when he was still in primary school 

[2wheelsagain]

Stolen from Facebook

Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." 
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" 
Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."

[truck]

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On the way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.  

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Dida anyone elsa seea my face?" calls the robber.
Then follows a tense minute of silence.
An elderly Italian gentleman, tentatively raises his hand and says, …….."I thinka my wife caught a glimpse."

[Chook]

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: 

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." 

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: 

"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." 

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." 

[madmax]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital..

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction,
breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten and
whiten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well
make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded:

What happened? "I thought you said I had another 43 years to live? Why
didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied: "I didn't bloody well recognize you."

[Chook]

Finally someone has cleared this mystery up............................


For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide. 
B - Convenience store in Melbourne.
C - Service station in Perth. 
D - Kebab shop in Brisbane. 
E - Take away café in Sydney.

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra customers in Australia.

[paul]

Now this just looks like I am laughing at my own joke above ...............it was for Chooks joke on the previous page 

[Chook]

An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.

Irish woman: ''It's my poor husband! I've accidentally shot him, I think I've killed him!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''
*click* .... *BANG*

Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done that.................... What's next?''

[Chook]

I woke up this morning to hear a guy making engine noises with his mouth next door. 


I peaked over the fence and there's this guy sitting in an imaginary seat trying to start an imaginary car. I shook my head and before I could disappear he spotted me. 
"ANY CHANCE OF A PUSH START BUDDY"? he asked. 


I felt sorry for him so I walked to the front of his imaginary car and proceeded to push it backwards out the driveway. As I did this he started running backwards in a seated position, dropped his imaginary clutch and then in reverse he rolled his imaginary car out the driveway. He then chucked it in imaginary first gear and proceeded to run down the road making oral revving noises. 


As I scratched my head in disbelief the guy across the road yelled out GOOD ONYA MATE. GOOD TO SEE YA HELPING A NEIGHBOUR. DID YA NOTICE SOMETHING A BIT ODD? 


I yelled back YEAH THERE WASN'T ACTUALLY A CAR. 


Nonplused he responded WELL FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T TELL HIM. HE CHUCKS ME $10 A WEEK TO CLEAN IT.

[Chook]

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. 


When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. 


So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. 


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your 
note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. 


Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 


The blonde said, 
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." 


The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" 


The blonde said, 
"No, just up to my tits ... 
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

[madmax]

[paul]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

[Chook]

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son."

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"

[Chook]

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

[Chook]

PEACHES!

 A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery   store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process. 

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store. 

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches." 

The judge then asked why she had done it. 

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." 

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.  

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" 

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach". 

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.   

The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"   

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[madmax]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[Chook]

The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because, ya damn fool, he lives in a clock!"

[paul]

As I am lying around, pondering the problems of the world,    I realise that at my   age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.    If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.     A whale swims all   day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.    A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years, while       A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for   150 years.     And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.   Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:        1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.  2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.  3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.     4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. If God wanted me to touch   my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.    6. If all is not lost,   then where the heck is it?  7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.    8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp   post.    9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.       12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been   anywhere.  13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.    14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.   15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants  to   play chess.    16. It ’ s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.    18. These days,   I  spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .          I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".  19.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.    20.. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE?

 

[madmax]

[size=52]As I am lying around, pondering the problems of the world,   [/size] [size=52]I realise that at my  [size=52] age I don't really give a rat's arse anymore.    If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.     A whale swims all [/size] [size=52] day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.    A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years, while       A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for [/size] [size=52] 150 years.     And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.[/size][/size]   [size=52]Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:   [size=52]     1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.  2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.  3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.    [/size][/size] [size=52]4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. If God wanted me to touch  [size=52] my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.   [/size][/size] [size=52]6. If all is not lost,  [size=52] then where the heck is it?  7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.    8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp [/size] [size=52] post.    9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.    10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.    11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.       12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been [/size] [size=52] anywhere.  13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.    14. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.   15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants  to [/size] [size=52] play chess.    16. It [/size][size=52]’[/size][size=52] s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.    17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.    18. These days, [/size] [size=52] I  spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter [/size][size=52]. [/size][/size]        [size=52] I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".  19.. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.    20.. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE?[/size]

 

Ha ha, so true

[paul]

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. 
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' 

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. 
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. 

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.. 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. 
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another 
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. 

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. 
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. 
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.' 

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. 
My wife won twice last week.'

[paul]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

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