The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

[spanna]

I was in Tooradin today & noticed these seagulls sitting onto of a cafe waiting for a feed ..... I thought, silly buggers you'll never get fed there ... it's a Pelican Cafe!
" />

[paul]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the Feed Store and picked up a couple
of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a
problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603
Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that
house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll
be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, rip my
panties off and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Chook]

A country dad and son visiting the city for the first time were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother.'

[Chook]

I recently picked a new GP.After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing'fairly well’ for my age (I've just reached 60).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?’
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing,surfing, hiking, or bicycling?’
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, ride fast motorbikes, or have a lots of sex?’
'No,' I said…
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F--- do you want to live to 85?

[paul]

[paul]

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,
 
"I won't be in here long."
 
He replied,
 
"Well the judge did give you 6 years."
 
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before. "

[Chook]

 
"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a sentence before. "

I know exactly how he feels 

[Chook]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a
job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He
answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says,
'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks,
'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an bomb
exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the
guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are
from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on
starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the
hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10
AM?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first
two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our
balls.
No point in you coming in for that.'

[gus]

LOL
That was the " good old days ".  Mr Newman sacked 3\4 of them ,including the hard workers . Then put trackers in the utes and made moral so low
with petty rules, paperwork an a "ticket ' needed to zip up your own fly .
I walked through a large depot the other day ,it was a ghost  town . All it needed was tumble weeds blowing through .

[Chook]

LOL
That was the " good old days ".  Mr Newman sacked 3\4 of them ,including the hard workers . Then put trackers in the utes and made moral so low
with petty rules, paperwork an a "ticket ' needed to zip up your own fly .
I walked through a large depot the other day ,it was a ghost  town . All it needed was tumble weeds blowing through .

That is what is happening in most SA govt dept depots, others have been sold for a song to private enterprise, as has the money making part of a lot of the states assets

What took the state well over 100 years to build was destroyed in about a decade, now we all have to pay more for the services and somehow fund the part of govt that costs money to run without the income. Labour, Liberal, it didn't matter, they were both as guilty as each other of selling the state

[paul]

LOL
That was the " good old days ".  Mr Newman sacked 3\4 of them ,including the hard workers . Then put trackers in the utes and made moral so low
with petty rules, paperwork an a "ticket ' needed to zip up your own fly .
I walked through a large depot the other day ,it was a ghost  town . All it needed was tumble weeds blowing through .

That is what is happening in most SA govt dept depots, others have been sold for a song to private enterprise, as has the money making part of a lot of the states assets

What took the state well over 100 years to build was destroyed in about a decade, now we all have to pay more for the services and somehow fund the part of govt that costs money to run without the income. Labour, Liberal, it didn't matter, they were both as guilty as each other of selling the state

This would be the sickest bad joke of all ..............if it wasn't true 

[paul]

A muslim man was shot with a starting pistol yesterday, police are convinced it was race related

[Chook]

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

 The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

  Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

  The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."
 

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."                 

[paul]

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women – and baffled blokes. 

Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. 

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. 
Here are some extracts...


We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. 
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” 
So I took her to Bunning’s.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 
Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. 
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred. 
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.” 
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!” 
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos. 
“I think so,” I gulped. 
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. 
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded. 
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!” 
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

[paul]

A male and female whale were out for a romantic swim one sunny day when they saw a whaling ship. The male whale said to the female "Lets go and blow out our air holes at the same time so the ship will sink." So they went over and did it. Sure enough the ship capsized and sank. But the sailors found their way out and were swimming to shore.
Furious, the male whale said to the female, "Lets chase them and eat them before they get to shore. But this time his companion was not so keen.
"Look," she said. "I went along with the blow job, but I refuse to swallow the seamen."

[Chook]

2 married ladies were on holiday in the Caribbean and met a muscular black guy.
After a week of fantastic 3 some sex,they asked his name, he replies, "my name's Snow".
The ladies start laughing, Snow asks, what's so funny?
Their reply..................."Our husbands will never believe when we tell them we had 10 inches of bloody snow in the Caribbean"

[Chook]

SMART ARSE STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM
I would have given him 100%, the answers are technically correct but not what was required.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
TALK ABOUT THINKING OUTSIDE THE BOX.

[Chook]

Safe At Last



Email note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighborhood.
So, I tore out my alarm system and de-registered from our local Neighborhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large black flag of ISIS in its center.
Now, the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping.
I'm followed to and from work every day.  So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.
All thanks to Islam. 

[paul]

[paul]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' 
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' 
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' 
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. 
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' 
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!' 

Lemon Squeeze


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 


Catholic Dog


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' 
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' 
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? 

** Donation


Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 
'It is!' 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 
'I can!' 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!' 
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!' 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 
'He will.' 

Confession


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 
Man: 'What sins?' 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!' 

Brothel Trip


An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 

Senility


An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' 

Pest Control


A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '



Husbands are husbands 

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[paul]

Husband Down 
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Coles. 
The husband picks up a case of Tooheys New and puts it in their trolley. 
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 
'They're on sale, only $40 for 24 cans' he replies. 
'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.


A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $80 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 
˜ What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. 
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tooheys, and it's half the price.' 

HUSBAND DOWN!, HUSBAND DOWN!, AISLE 7

[Chook]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

[Chook]

[SVDon]

Driving all day, half-way across the state, Evelyn checked into a motel for the night.  And it just so happened to be her 55th birthday.  Feeling a bit lonely, she thought, "What-the-heck, I’ve never done anything like this before in my life, so I’m going to call one of those ads in phone books for male escorts and sensual massages.”   
 
She found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tom – a very handsome man, reportedly with amazing skills, flexing in the color photo.   She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  I’ll give him a call.           
   
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?"  Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!   
  
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.   “Hi, I hear you give a great massage.   I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you.  I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go hot and heavy all night -- tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything.  I'm ready!  Now how does that sound to you?"
 

There was a brief pause, then he said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you probably should know … you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

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