The sick/bad joke thread

[paul]

First topic message reminder :

Another oldie but a goodie 


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of those."

[paul]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell YOU, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

[paul]

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.
 
Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"
 
"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."
 
Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."
 
"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

[Chook]

[paul]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'   The little boy nodded 'yes'.   'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . .. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

[paul]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. 

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ... 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[paul]

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a service station. She tells the mechanic it died. 
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. 
She says, 'What's the story?' 
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburettor' 
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her licence. 
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my licence and then today you expect me to show it to you!'



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' 
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.' 
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; 
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said.

'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! 
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'
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[paul]

Proof That The World Is Nuts!




In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.


(Like THAT makes sense.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


(Do they look different reversed?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.


(A brick?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Glad I don't live in Indonesia!)


(Much worse than 'going blind!')


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.


Reason: Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.


(Let's just think for a minute: Is there 
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.


(Ah! Justice!)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.


(But of course!)


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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.


(Makes one shudder at the thought.)


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.


(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)


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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'


(Is this a great country or what?)


Well,.... not as great as Guam!
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[BanditDave]

Most ridiculous British laws:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 per cent)
   
2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (7 per cent)
   
3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6 per cent)
   
4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5 per cent)
   
5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (4 per cent)
   
6. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4 per cent)
   
7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5 per cent)
   
8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3 per cent)
   
9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3 per cent)
   
10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2 per cent)
    

[paul]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the 
door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle 
chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most 
people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can 
you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put 
it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[paul]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression, “I presume.....”.

One  little girl held up her hand and said: “Yesterday, my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Another one said: “This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume that the BMW wouldn't start.”

“That’s excellent,” says the teacher.

Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says: “Yesterday, I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush. I presume that.......

The teacher interrupted him and said, “I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can’t presume anything.

Johnny says, “Please, Teacher, let me finish my sentence.”

The teacher says, “Very well. Continue.”

“As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.  I presume he was going for a shit because he can’t read.”

[Chook]

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and
trot across the road to a bus-stop.
The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell,
then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer.
So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window,
jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.
The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing?
This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my ass.........
It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

[Chook]

An Irish Mother’s Letter Dear Son, 


Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I am writing this slowly because I know that you can’t read very fast. You won’t know the house when you come home. We’ve moved. About your father, he has got a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He cuts grass at the cemetery. Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out yet if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if your an aunt or an uncle. I went to the doctors on Thursday and your father came with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for 10 minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him. Your uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of Irish whiskey at the Dublin brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took 3 days to put the fire out. It only rained twice this week, first for 3 days and then for 4 days. We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in 7 days, up she comes. 


Your loving Mother, 


P.S. I was going to send you 5 euros, but I have already sealed the envelope."

[paul]

 
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
 
The only question asked was:-
   
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
 
  The survey was a complete failure because:
  
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant
 
  In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 
  In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 
  In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

  In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 
  In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
  
  In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 
  And in Australia , New Zealand , Canada and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
 

[paul]

One night a woman with a newborn baby spotted her husband standing over their baby's cot.

She watched him silently and unobtrusively, with curiosity.

As he stood there, looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face
a mixture of emotions; disbelief, amazement, enchantment, scepticism, and intense study.

Touched by this display and the deep emotions he was showing, she moved
into the baby's room and slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts", she whispered.

"It's utterly amazing, and beyond all understanding", he said. 
"It's got me stuffed how anyone could build a cot like this for $49!!"

[paul]

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.



With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day,

that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne

and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.



Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. 



He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 

> 



The Englishman answers with a bit of humor,

"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car

and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

[Chook]

An old local fella is makin' his way down the jetty to catch a feed one day and soon realises its just him and some 7 year old kid with a 2kg Rex Hunt special fishing the jetty that arvo. 
After 5 mins the kid reefs up a Tommy Ruff and yells out to old mate "hey buddy wots this?" 
The old fella yells back "that's what us pros call a Tommy lad". 
5mins later the lad pulls up a Salmon "oi mate what's this" he yells. 
The ol fella yells back "that's what us pros call a Salmon lad". 
Every 5 or 10 mins or so this little prick keeps producing bigger n bigger fish 'till the old fella thinks "bugger this I'm off." 
In the evening the young anglers old man rocks up to take him home. He sees a filthy great line up of fish on the jetty in order of smallest to biggest and points at the small one n says "what ya got there son?" 
Kid replies proudly " that's what us pros call a Tommy dad!" 
Dad points at the Salmon n says "what's that one son?" Kid goes "what's what us pros call a Salmon dad!" 
Dad walks up to the trophy end of the jetty kill n spots a 20kg Kingfish. " and what the bloody hell do ya call that son?" lad turns and says nonchalantly "that dad is what us pros call a Fucking fluke".

[paul]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. 

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

""Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

""Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor.

I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................."

[Chook]

Whilst strolling round the River Torrens this morning about 8 am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help soon he would surely drown.
Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four postage stamps...!!

[madmax]

Whilst strolling round the River Torrens this morning about 8 am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help soon he would surely drown.
Being a responsible Aussie, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have yet to respond.
I'm starting to think I wasted four postage stamps...!!

Absolute gold that one!

[paul]

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," replied the old man.

"Poor old fool," thought the gentleman. So he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth."

[paul]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.   But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"   The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"   The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[Chook]

The biggest bike and now the biggest Jeep threads reminded me of a old joke I knew years ago, I hope I get it right.


An Australian station owner from Outback SA had a visit from a Texan Ranch owner.

The 1st day after the Texan's arrival and the 800km drive from Adelaide to get to the homestead the Aussie decided it was time to show the Yank around.

After about 1/2 an hour into the tour the Texan hollers "what the hell is that", 
The Aussie replies "that's one of my prized Marinos, one of the best sheep in Australia",
The Texan says, "god damn, we got bigger rabbits than that in the States"

After about anther 20 km of bone shaking dirt roads the Texan hollers "what the hell is that", 
The Aussie replies "that's one of my prized Hererfords, one of the best cows in Australia",
The Texan says, "god damn, we got bigger sheep than that in the States"

About another hour later and another 10km of bone shaking a kangaroo jumps over the bonnet of the old Landrover and the the Texan hollers "what the hell was that", 
The by then pissed off Aussie replies, "that was a grasshopper, beat that in the fucking States!!"

[paul]

A man went to the doctor 's office to ask for a triple dosage of Viagra.
Doctor: I can’t give you a triple dose.
Man: Why not?
Doctor: Because it's not safe.
Man: But I need it really bad.
Doctor: Well, why do you need it so badly?
Man: My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday.
an't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.
The doctor finally relented.
Doctor: All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.
On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor’s office...his right arm in a sling.
Doctor: Good God! What happened to you?

Man: No one showed up.

[paul]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[paul]

A married couple takes their son to the circus. After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs.

"Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?" he asks.

The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey," and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn.

Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father, "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?"

Dad answers, "That's the elephant's penis." 

The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?"

Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman..."
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